.too much time on the bathroom floor.

[identitysuicide.livejournal.com]

Too much bullshit to be worth reading.


There’s some kind of innocence I had. Killing myself was a way of preserving it. I was good then. I had something pure that was disappearing. I knew it would be gone and I didn’t want to live like that. I think I believed in something. So much that I was willing to die for it. I had virtue.



"Irrational or not, this delusional fantasy signifies a desire to control not just the future, death and life, but also to preserve a reputation that was chaste. The illogicality of this may be the very key we need to understand her motive."



I know now that my beliefs were not really true in other people’s eyes. But, they could not deny my devotion to my delusions. I tried to preserve my innocence. I tried. I really tried.



And I failed. I woke up in this new face. A new life… not one I really wanted, but I tried to earn… to deserve half of it. Brainwashing myself with new dreams. More compatible with my parent’s expectations… less raw passion and more practicality. I come back and I look my friends in the eyes… only to cower in shame… of what I’ve left behind.



Parts of myself I can never share again. New rules to live by. Simple is better. Must remember to eat protein. Healthy is earned… like money. Learning to glorify monetary possessions that give me motivation to live.. to work day after day. To be more than my father… or my father’s father. Appreciation of evolution. Understanding my role. My natural destiny… to leave other’s behind.



Including my love. Relationships don’t last off of love alone. Love is just not enough. Taking virtues I died for and throwing them away. Betraying myself on an unforgivable level. Like becoming a high-functioning zombie who is programmed to giggle when I get uncomfortable.



Happiness is only allowed to be sought after if it applies to my life between the ages of three and twelve. A structured regression for the purpose of healthy growth. Start from where I really left off. I never realized how much I would throw away as a child… even of myself. Disregarding what used to make me cry. Standing in the bathroom, watching myself flush my face, my heart, my left leg, my right ovary, my hair, my fingernails and my right lung down the toilet.



Tasting a new sense of power I rarely experienced before… and choking on it. The power, the control, and the influence I have upon those around me… without trying. I hold this responsibility over my head as I did as an older sister. Must be the role model. Must not do for others as much as I show them through my own actions now.



I would never ever want anyone I loved to go through the things that I have. I never want to see their eyes dull with accepted self-destruction… not like I did. Not like this. I have a sense of protection that hasn’t died.



And a new found appreciation of things that feed me. Like intuition. Interaction with animals. Respect. The patience that comes with earning something I don’t feel I deserve. I can appreciate temporary intimacy. I can preserve it in my mind enough to not expect to repeat it. Consistent indulgence leads to deterioration. I prefer to dream than to see what really happens. It’s prettier this way… the fantasies in my head. Reality cannot touch them.



I lost my curiosity of others. My constant questioning. My mission to discover truth. Philosophy is mental masturbation and it too can lose it’s sensation after time. There’s really not much people can tell me that I haven’t already heard or thought of before. Once you lose interest in companionship, people don’t have very much use for one another. Just passing time with distractions and old jokes… self-induced flashbacks of moments when we felt alive.



I used to end my thoughts by giving advice. Lessons learned. But, I really don’t have any that I could generalize… Quit looking for simple answers. Verbal communication is overrated.. try talking to yourself instead. I haven’t lived the kind of life that gives me the kind of status that comes with giving advice to others about how to live. I’m much better at dying.



My virtue is tainted
Damaged goods cannot be salvaged
I once believed
That I could preserve the innocence
I now believe
That the only way to preserve it
Is to kill it
Either way
It’s lost.

Comments

[tir-nan-og.livejournal.com]

Innocence and virtue are not so easily destroyed. If you are posting on Multiplicity I am assuming you are most likely multiple. If you are, the qualities you feel have been destroyed may live on as another self, a self you may not have access to. Even among non multiples, our hidden strengths can completely appear to be abandoning us in a ghastly way in bad times, but reappear like a phoenix years later.
I dont know anything about the situation that prompted you to write, so forgive me if i said anything to offend. I wanted to say something because you are suffering.