(no subject)

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

As I was waking this morning, I could hear a conversation going on, at least three people talking together, all female from what I can remember. One assertive voice talking about a word, the others arguing it wasn't a word, and she stating she thought it was a perfectly good one, but stating it in such a way that implied it was a word she'd created to describe something. She repeated the word, rolling it on her tongue. They were all speaking jovially, a friendly argument, with lots of giggling and teasing. The one who was speaking was my age, the others younger, one being about young teens.

I knew the word was made up, and I thought so to myself. But I couldn't converse with these others, and once I woke up more, the voices faded. And I forgot the word they were discussing, and most of the conversation, and even what the voices sounded like.

It's so fucking frustrating, that it's the only time I can hear the others speak, and once I'm awake, I can't hear them. I can only hear it if they speak to or through me when I'm awake. And that's rare, and mostly all I get is an impression that someone else is near, or that I'm acting as a vessel. I can't bring it on, and they won't be coerced to speak. So most of the time, it's like sitting in a chair in a room, where everyone else is sitting behind you, and no one speaks above a whisper in each others ears. It's enough to make me scream.

Ruth, pissed off with the silence.

Comments

i'm sorry you're frustrated

[hurricanrana.livejournal.com]

....i can understand how that would be frustrating. i guess that's why the Dr.'s call it 'co-conscious'. when you're coming through the different states of consciousness from sleep to awake...you must be getting a direct line on one of those state of consciousness to some others in your system. i can see how it would be frustrating however, maybe you can see it as a good thing (although frustrating) since you CAN get bits and pieces sometimes? just a thought. good luck. take care. Sadina

[cheshire-house.livejournal.com]

you never know: maybe they're just as frustrated when they're awake. Have any of them tried to force you to the front when you were asleep?

~Chesh

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

Not that I know of. But then again, I might not remember if they did. I lose most of what I 'heard' when I wake. This time I didn't actually remember it happening until about an hour after I woke. And what I do remember is all fragmented and makes no sense.

The only thing I have to grasp is I now know that there is another one my age, quite competent to front, from what I sensed. But I've never sensed her before, and I can't now. Are they all hiding from me?

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're having that. If we've had that happen once we've had it 100x and it is very frustrating! We're able to retain more of these sort of conversations when we are living alone and there are no interruptions (other than normal ones like the phone). Living with another person -- at least one who doesn't respect boundaries or privacy -- doesn't help.

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

How do you get in touch with each other? I just feel so isolated - knowing they're there and having to front alone, without proper communication, I might as well be a singlet. That's one of the reasons it took me so long to realise I was median, because none of them had ever been fully at the front with me before, driving the body, doing things their way. All I ever get is the sense that someone's peeping over my shoulder, or adding a word here and there when I type.

I'd just like some time for a break, to step back, for someone else to do the driving for a while, without all the responsibility on me all the time. And I want to communicate with them. There's nothing more frustrating than hearing a whisper or the murmur of a conversation, but not being able to see or take part in it, or even retreat when I want. If I experiment and try to step back, the body just day dreams or stares into space, and no one else does anything.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh god, dont I wish I knew how you could get in touch with eachother, to hear all the scintillating conversations, and how you can step back and let some of the others do the front man act for a while.
Are those who have control over this the ones called medians? This median thing still needs some clarification in my mind, although I've heard some decent definitions on the subject.
It makes me angry sometimes..I am one of the weakest ones, with the least capacity to enjoy life, and also the most autistic-ish. And yet they let me stay out almost all the time. WHY? Is it because I am the most recognisable as the person I'm supposed to be for my friends, coworkers and family, with the proper personality and the voice and gestures that are familiar? Or is it that the others are stronger BECAUSE of the very fact that they spend a tremendous ammount of time lolling around in the inner world of my mind?
Sorry to go on a tangent. In any case, hang in there, we sympathize. One thing about people like us, we tend to shift a lot, so perhaps you will have more access to your people, and more chances to rest, when you least expect it.

take care,
Blue morpho (with Laura Roman)