New and unsure.

[ascian.livejournal.com]

I guess this is both an introductory post and a request for insight.

I don't know if I have DID or MPD or BPD or anything like that. Right now I'm just a guy who's having a hard time dealing with... well, himself, I guess.

Let me break it down, and maybe some of you could tell me if it makes any sense.

I'm a nice guy. I have self esteem issues, but I'm usually really positive. Outgoing. Friendly. Very optimistic. I think I can make my life better by making others' lives better, and that I have a lot of value even if I don't always feel that way. By my own reckoning, I'm a good, worthwhile person.

And all of that pretty much changes if I become sexually excited.

I turn into the most wanton individual I can personally conceive of. I engage in self-injurious behaviour, both physically and emotionally. Promiscuity with strangers and unprotected sex come into play far too frequently. I absolutely loathe myself, think myself utterly worthless, and seek to hurt myself by doing these things. Oftentimes, in the heat of the moment, I'll positively delight at how much this is going to upset me when I become my usual self again. I don't just hate myself at the time, I hate the self that isn't who I am at the time. I want to hurt him, and make him suffer, and afflict him with the ramifications of my actions.

I say 'him', but they're both me. Just... I don't know. I never lose time, for one thing. I never feel like I'm acting against my own will (though I do often feel both the cruel elation and despair of my 'two selves' at the same time). It just feels like I become... a different me. Like it's the same mind, only a different shape.

I admit, I'm... well, it's too strong to say 'skeptical' about DID/etc. I'm deeply undecided, not having been convinced either way. These experiences, which I've been having with increasing regularity since I was a teenager, make me wonder.

I'd appreciate any advice you can give. Slowly but surely, I'm (he's) getting worse all the time. So far I've been lucky enough that I only suffer socially, not medically, but it really is only a matter of luck. I'm going to have to find a therapist, no matter what's said here, but I'd like your insights before I start down that road.

Thank you very much, in advance.

-Adam

Comments

[squnq.livejournal.com]

You sound more like someone who is experiencing bipolar disorder, or who may have perhaps been injured in some sexual manner in the past which is affecting your emotions. While being multiple is somewhat subjective and can encompass having "different selves" which one presents to deal with the world, their thoughts or different situations, the specific trigger for this destructive behaviour being sexual in nature hints at the behaviour having roots in trauma, repressed memories, bipolarism or similar.

I tend to adopt a philosophy of "if you're not sure you're multiple, you're probably not" myself, though others here will probably have vastly differing thoughts on the matter.

[ex-suhina987.livejournal.com]

"...the specific trigger for this destructive behaviour being sexual in nature hints at the behaviour having roots in trauma, repressed memories, bipolarism or similar."

Sorry, but you lost me on the bipolar disorder. Can you explain?

[squnq.livejournal.com]

The highs and lows described are similar to manic episodes which people with various bipolar disorders experience.

[ex-suhina987.livejournal.com]

I agree, to some degree at least, but I think I would argue that things such as arousal, promiscuity, and risky behavior are manifestations of mania rather than the triggers of it.

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

Sounds more like a singular personality disorder to me, rather than multiplicity. Multiplicity tends to entail a feeling of seperate individuals, rather than a 'two-face' single personality who displays two wildly different ways of interacting with the world. Disassociation can happen independantly of multiple personalities, so if you aren't getting a sense of another 'person' and more of just a 'face' or 'persona', then you probably aren't looking at MPD. I would defer to people more knowledgable in this area from here.

[rabbitsystem.livejournal.com]

Hmm. We have emotional bleed-across to a certain extent, but it's still seperate persons.

[melange-fiesta.livejournal.com]

I would have to agree that this is more of a bipolar or borderline mood situation than anything to do with multiplicity. It sounds like the sexual promiscuity is a way to harm yourself, and while you're doing it you're not fully connected to your real self. That's not multiplicty, but it can be a vague form of dissociation. Not all dissociation involves multiple personalities or people.

I tried to keep this short...

[forever-alone.livejournal.com]

I get this feeling all. the. time. "Oftentimes, in the heat of the moment, I'll positively delight at how much this is going to upset me when I become my usual self again. I don't just hate myself at the time, I hate the self that isn't who I am at the time." Yes, yes, yes, that is exactly what I do. I don't think it has anything to do with being multiple and everything to do with self-loathing. There is a certain dissociative way of thinking required to look at yourself this way, but not severe enough to be connected to, say, DID/MPD. At least not most of the time. I've known many people with various mood disorders who think and behave in the same way.

These experiences have been getting worse for you because you're not dealing with it in a healthy way. I know it can be almost impossible at times to even think of stopping yourself from doing these things, because that is the nature of self-harm. I'm currently in the same situation, trying to make all of myself understand that I don't deserve to be treated this way, but even when I'm in the best mood that feels like a lie. It's a very long, frustrating task to begin changing that. Therapy, as you've seemed to realize, can help if you let it. Having someone there to give you positive affirmations will help enormously, as does having someone there to listen to why you feel the need to do this to yourself in the first place.

If these feelings/actions are coming about for sexual reasons, perhaps you should reduce or cease your sexual activities until you begin to get these problems under control. Easier said than done I know, but until you understand why you're using sex as a means of self-sabotage, it's probably not a good idea to engage in it.

[linnai.livejournal.com]

Regardless of whether you are multiple or even have Dissociative Identity Disorder, I understand your confusion and possible fear in regards to the situations you're describing. It sounds like a helluva lot of trouble to me. If you want to vent, get any of it off your chest in some way, look me up. Can be found at this system journal or my own revalescence.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

We know three people like this. They are described by their families as "two people". They are all singlets -- they have dual natures (in two cases, due to chronic illness, in the third, I think it was caused by extreme childhood poverty leading to feeling 'driven' to succeed, which she has). You are more psychologically-minded than they are -- you have more self-awareness, that is. And you're aware when you are "the other", and you tend to personify, which they don't. In the end, you are the only one(s) who can decide. I hope you find the answers you're looking for and a way to stop the irresponsible behavior.

[shade-durza.livejournal.com]

I think you've already been given some good info here so I will not repeat it. I just want to wish you all the best and want you to know you are not alone in this. I have a friend with almost the same issues so I know how hard it can be on someone. If you ever feel the need to vent you can add me. Sometimes it helps just to talk about it without getting negative comments.

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

Since you're discussing going to therapy, perhaps you might want to bring up the topic of sex and sexuality as a whole with said therapist.

I'm no expert, but it does sound like there's some hangups about sex that you might have.

Promiscuity isn't, in my opinion, necessarilly a bad thing, if it's dealt with in an honest, safe(r), and forthright manner.

--Me

[mylittlebox.livejournal.com]

Sounds like sexual addiction. You should look it up. It has to do with the behaviours you described, including feeling depressed and self-injurous afterward.

[paladin1701.livejournal.com]

What you describe certainly could be DID (just making sure you know that DID and MPD are the same thing--the name change comes from a different edition of the psychologist's main manual, the DSM; it was changed in terms and description mainly so that people living plural could get insurance coverage for therapy if they needed it), but I have to be honest, doesn't really sound like it. If I had to guess, I would say there is likely some severe sexual trauma somewhere back in your past, and you yourself may have created a fragmentation (sort of like people can partition a hard drive manually) on a conscious level in order to deal with the extreme change in your sexual appetite, which can be seriously effected by early sexual trauma. DID doesn't function on conscious splits as far as we know, but is more a passive process on the conscious level for the most part. Just some thoughts--the bottom line? Getting a therapist is never easy, and making sure you find one you're comfortable with can sometimes mean going to several new therapists. So start now--make an appointment with someone in your area for early next week: you'll thank yourself.