sex and switching

[identitysuicide.livejournal.com]

I've had a boyfriend for about two and a half months now. He's been the first serious boy I've felt close to in years. He's good to me.

We were having sex the other night and I decided to try something new. I became more aggressive. My disposition changed.

He sat up in bed afterwards, gripping his pillow, looking like a virgin all over again. He looked scared and confused. I asked him if everything was okay and he seemed fine. He described his feelings like this:

'You scared me. I couldn't tell if you were the same person. You changed into someone I've never seen before. Even your voice changed. It made me nervous. I don't know what to expect with you.'

I tried to warn him that it happens. Then, last night, we were having sex and he encouraged me to be more aggressive. I tried. And I tried. It didn't quite feel right. Something was off. I almost started crying during sex. I had to try really hard to hold it back. I was on top and I was in control, but I didn't feel in control.

Afterwards, I realized I was in a severe dissociative trance. I got up and went to the bathroom to try to gather myself and clean up. I kept shaking and jumping- scared of nothing. I couldn't stop shaking. He held me and I cried in his arms. I haven't cried in anyone's arms in years. Many years. The worst part is that I didn't know what I was crying about. I couldn't figure it out. I'm lost.

The first time, I was proud to give him such pleasure. I was glad that he could see another side of me. The second time, I felt frustrated with myself and towards the end, I felt I had regressed to something I hadn't been in touch with in a long time. I felt guilty for crying on him. And I still held back. I only let out a little of what crying I needed to. I didn't want to scare him with the pain I hold inside. He wouldn't recognize me again if I did.


ps. Sorry, inner_ensemble, I stole your icon. :/ It's too perfect.

Comments

[cheshire-house.livejournal.com]

I guess the first question that comes to mind is: Have you considered dropping any hint at all that there's more to you than in the singular case? I'm assuming from his reactions that he's ignorant of that detail.

[identitysuicide.livejournal.com]

I've hinted at it, but I don't insist he takes it as seriously as I do. I don't necessarily believe I have DID, but I still function better on a regular basis by looking at that way. What would I say to him?

[saturniakitty.livejournal.com]

Idunno if this will help but... A couple years ago I had a tendancy to switch with Kitty (she's integrated since then) while having sex with my then-boyfriend. He was aware of me being multiple, and it majorly freaked him out. He was never really able to come to terms with it... So, I guess just be careful when explaining things to him, whether or not you are DID not everyone will understand.

[moonfroggy.livejournal.com]

i think explaining things to him about being dissociative is a good idea
it can have some risks i suppose, i know what i told my SO about it he felt sorta confused and scared at first, but as he read some web pages and some books and as he got to meet some of the other ones he got used to it

i almost never have sex at all because of dissociative stuff, the wrong ones come out, and it is a big mess, i think talking to the other parts or ones can be helpfull, sex can be very triggering and can trigger other ones to come out, i think communication inside is very good

interesting thread

[sexylittleone.livejournal.com]

were I in your shoes, I'd take things carefully & slowly.

see a post I made a little ways down or the page before this about partners of MPD's.

El

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

We have found that explanations along the lines of this are the least likely to make people go into a stereotype-induced panic:

"You may have noticed that during different times, I may seem to act in very different ways, as if I were another person entirely. That's because I have more than one person living in my body." (wait a minute for this to sink in if you need to) "It's called multiple personality, which you've probably heard a lot of bad things about on TV and such, but all it really means is that there's more than one person in my body. You've seen some of the other people in here, usually during sex. It doesn't mean I'm going to be dangerous to you and this doesn't change the way I feel about you." You might want to then go on to describe some of the other people in your system, if you communicate often with them, or you might want to let them introduce themselves, and explain that some of the others have some issues and hangups surrounding sex and that was what he saw.


Shiu, for amorpha

[inner-ensemble.livejournal.com]

Hi, this is Lil, and I don't mind that you took the icon. Please be sure and credit licencetokill in your keywords, though.

As far as your concerns with him, it seems like he wants to be supportive, though obviously I can't tell a whole lot from what you've said. Just be aware of him, because you have to tailor your explanation to him. If you feel it's too early, you don't have to feel obligated to explain. If you feel comfortable going to him and explaining what's been going on, then you should do that.

If you are not sure what's going on within you, you may want to explore it further before bringing him into it. Often, the beginning stages can be very fragile, because it is very disconcerting to realize that you might not be just yourself.

I suppose my best advice would be to simply be aware. Be aware of him, and be aware of yourself, and what you need.

Best wishes,
Lil