Lots Of Writing

[susanacts.livejournal.com]

Today I had trouble concentrating, and a rush of fear (looking over my shoulder, jumping as if startled), and other things. I journaled elsewhere, and amazingly, everyone came out. Sometimes, they came out in groups *guys* *girls* *little girls*, but they all felt tense due to lack of privacy. This isn't just something we suffered from as a teenager. Privacy is still significant. It's not because we are doing what external people call "bad things" and fear we will "get caught", but rather, it's a time to just let things out, and unwind. When things pile up, chaos erupts.

Anyway, I think this will blow over in time. We have now decided that if we end up losing external people to this world we live in, that's okay, because we are never alone. Family and friends have talked to us as if nothing in our lives has been bad, that we made up our world, and the people who hurt us all didn't do anything wrong...we are the guilty ones.

I'd rather let the external friends and family go. The truth will never be enough. There's a song we love by Tori Amos called Crucify. Why do we crucify ourselves, every day? Nothing I do is good enough for you...we add that nothing we say is good enough either. Therapists even think we lie. We aren't just human, with multiples. We lied about them, and nothing happened to us.

Then, the biggest let down in 2006, prior to leaving in January, a therapist called us psychotic. We were experiencing psychoses, and these "people" inside are not our friends. It's been a year since I saw the therapist. Her words still haunt us. Will we hear this again from someone else?

It's scary to think about. We'll ask the MD in July what she thinks, and cross check her referral for therapy. I don't want to walk into another office only to be beaten down with words. Time and such matter too. If there is no compatibility, I'll leave.

Impressions are everywhere...and the ones we make are important, as are those made by others. But, we are only able to control us. This mantra is what I use all the time. I trust my MD. She did her dissertation on this, and has asked multiple therapists to treat me, but they refused. This will be the next chance to ask. And I hope it works.

The MD says there is no fear in her colleague. I hope she is right. The Posse needs to be heard, believed, and supported. Even if we end up doing cooperative state, we still need this. It's not as if I plan to sue the other therapist or do anything else that would jeopardize the posse. I just have to get her words out of our home. They are toxic.

We even told the MD we plan to live through everything that happens in life. She was pleased.

Comments

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

Are you searching for therapy because you're all Multiple? Or for some other personal reason? You don't have to say what the reason is, I was curious if it's being Plural that you're wanting the therapy. Because if the therapist thinks that's the reason you're in therapy, they'll probably automatically start with the "it's an illness and you need to be cured" thing. Is there any way you can have therapy without mentioning you're Multiple?

Kasia

[susanacts.livejournal.com]

I'm actually going to therapy for a reason other than being multiple. Should being multiple come up in conversation, I'll deal with it then. The Posse knows we can't take risks in revealing ourselves.

[susanacts.livejournal.com]

Tell me about it. I'm a CP patient with multiplicity...being different is my whole life. Thanks for the cool comment.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Until very recently, we had that conditioned reflex... about being walked in on when we're doing Unauthorized Things, which in our case means any creative act. It took living with someone who was neither going to punish us for it, or make us feel guilty about all the 'real work' that wasn't getting done.

"I don't want to walk into another office only to be beaten down with words. Time and such matter too. If there is no compatibility, I'll leave."

Strength and honor to you! When you see this new doctor, you could post about it here and update us? A lot of people would probably be interested and I know we would.

[susanacts.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad someone knows about the "startling reflex!" It's not bad all the time, but boy do we get a rise out of it. The Posse goes nuts. I'll definitely post about meeting the new therapist...add me to your friends list too, and that way, you can also keep up with daily life here. I'm getting the strength to actually write about us in my personal journal too.

[soulspiritdebv.livejournal.com]

How could she even tell whether your multiples weren't "friends" without knowing them or their effect on you? Talk about prejudice and making up your mind before getting all the facts.

[susanacts.livejournal.com]

Exactly. She even tried to tell me stay on my meds...that alone was creepy, but when she threw in the psychosis stuff, I was out of there, hands down. Her secretary said I had control over when I left anyway. Thank God someone heard me, you know?

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

"I want to spit in their faces but I wonder what that could bring...." Yep. We know the song and we to some extent know the feelings. ::Offers hugs if wanted:: We understand that...Just want you to know you guys aren't alone in the understanding.
Gisha^Kenzi of Rhymershouse

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

And may we please add you. We do understand the startle reflex...We weren't punished by any one for it but still talking to each other allowed when you're trying to hide.....Mmhmm. I am sure you get our meaning there. BTW, we were born three months premature ourselves and are blind.