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May. 15th, 2007 12:37 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
dianneordi.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
multiplicity_archivesJust wanted to let y'all know that I finished a rewrite of my screenplay. It's available for download at http://www.fileden.com/files/2006/11/5/350846/PlurallyInclined.pdf or e-mail me at dianneordi at excite dot com and I'll be glad to e-mail you a copy.
I know that I won't have made everyone happy, but I did try to address a lot of concerns --
The name was changed to "Plurally Inclined" and most use of the word "alters" was removed from the script.
The abuse scene at the beginning was removed and replaced by a scene showing Heather and her headmates functioning as a household.
I've made it clear that Heather's headmates are alive and well at the end of the script, and that Tyler loves Heather as a system of headmates, not just as an individual.
Thanks again to everyone who offered their criticism and their insights!
Hwyl!
Dianne.
I know that I won't have made everyone happy, but I did try to address a lot of concerns --
The name was changed to "Plurally Inclined" and most use of the word "alters" was removed from the script.
The abuse scene at the beginning was removed and replaced by a scene showing Heather and her headmates functioning as a household.
I've made it clear that Heather's headmates are alive and well at the end of the script, and that Tyler loves Heather as a system of headmates, not just as an individual.
Thanks again to everyone who offered their criticism and their insights!
Hwyl!
Dianne.
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Date: 2007-05-15 12:31 pm (UTC)- Malak
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Date: 2007-05-15 12:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-15 12:59 pm (UTC)- Mal
yikes -- sorry about that
Date: 2007-05-15 02:34 pm (UTC)Malak -- e-mailed you a pdf.
Thanks!
Dianne.
Re: yikes -- sorry about that
Date: 2007-05-15 09:35 pm (UTC)- changing the intro and putting in the conversation between Heather, her brother and her sil, and through that showing that no, you don't always have to be severely traumatized to end up being plural. We know that this is a kind of controversial subject, but we do believe that there are people who are just naturally inclined to be plural. Mostly because we're one of them... there never was any major trauma here, we just ended up as a "we".
- the scene near the end, where the others come back to comfort and support Heather. That's a big part of healthy multiplicity, ioho. Acting together on a common goal, and supporting each other through a crisis. There's been numerouos times in here when one of us had a crisis (both major and minor ones), and the otheres helped them through it by providing support, encouragement and alternative viewpoints.
:)
- the Choir Invisible system
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Date: 2007-05-15 09:55 pm (UTC)Hwyl!
Dianne.
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Date: 2007-05-15 02:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-15 02:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-15 03:34 pm (UTC)plurally inclined text version
Date: 2007-05-15 05:02 pm (UTC)Re: plurally inclined text version
Date: 2007-05-15 06:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-15 06:37 pm (UTC)Rayvin
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Date: 2007-05-15 04:53 pm (UTC)Rick
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Date: 2007-05-15 05:03 pm (UTC)Thanks!
Dianne.
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Date: 2007-05-15 08:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-15 09:55 pm (UTC)Dianne.
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Date: 2007-05-16 12:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-16 01:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-16 03:05 am (UTC)as of page 10
- It's confusing me.
- I didn't understand at first why a little girl was sharing a dorm room.
- How would someone act all this out without confusing people that they are supposed to be within a single body?
- I thought these were all actual girls living together and one them was a group themselves. I thought they were actual separate physical bodies.
- It talks about everyone as being outside of the body and moving around that way. I don't know if all groups have people that can leave their bodies this way.
- Most people I've seen say that their members are 'inside'.
- Maybe I'm not the best one of the group to be reading this. It's confusing me.
- Is one of the guys being mentioned in their group too?
- I thought maybe Tyler was in the group too.
- They sound like spirits who are around one of the girls, instead of part of the group. The way it's written. The little girl was running around the room.
As of page 20
- Tyler mentions that they are a group. It'd be nice if I knew someone as understanding as Tyler seems to be.
- Confused about Matt.
- This is hard to follow.
- There is no mention that these girls are in the same body.
As of page 30
- They are talking with each other outside of the body again. I am still thinking of spirits talking to one person.
- First mention from someone outside of the group that it is a single body 'talking to herself'.
- Suzanne and the others seem to be very talented. Does anyone wonder why the same 'girl/body' is doing so many seemingly contrasting things all over the place and in public? Friends, maybe?
- The Punk Dude's mention of a 'supersoul' I think is a misconception.
- Confused about the use of the word 'dissociated' on page 29.
- Are they talking about trying to merge together, and that Suzanne would keep everyone's memories? How does Heather know that for certain?
- Oh, I understand. Heather is saying that Suzanne has all of the body's memories.
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Date: 2007-05-16 03:06 am (UTC)- Do each of these 'boyfriends' know about each other and that they each have a potential relationship with someone within the same body?
- Okay, Tyler has a girlfriend already. Got it.
- Pool table scene is cute.
- Page 37! Now this is getting interesting! Finally!
- I LOVE the scene with the little girl talking and the boyfriend thinking it's Heather!
- Oh! Talking out loud to each other! That's a no-no in public!
- Matt's reaction is sad, but very realistic.
as of page 50
- I like Zoe. :)
- I wish people in our group were able to talk with someone on the outside the way Zoe can with Tyler. I'd think it would take a long time to be that comfortable with someone to be yourself.
- What does 'plurally inclined' mean? Being Plural? Or that they are inclined to be Plural and aren't actually Plural?
- Wouldn't some of this conversation be easier done 'internally'? Our group can communicate a lot more and quicker with our thoughts back and forth to each other than done out loud using the body's voice.
- I thought that Tyler really cared about them/Heather! I knew it! I saw that one coming! :)
- Tyler doesn't handle that well with Julie. "I just hoping you'd figure it out." "Don't you think it's strange Heather's around so much?" What does that mean? Tyler's kind of a jerk now.
- Page 49. Oh, goodness! Julie is in the same group as Heather? (As LeAnne would say, "what the crap?")
- I feel strangely weird now. Though if this was done on the television, maybe I'd understand because I'd see the same body, but this feels odd to me for some reason.
- So, Julie doesn't know she's part of a group? Yet everyone else is so communicative with each other? Tyler never told her? This is weird.
- Or wait, is Tyler part of the group too? I still think he is. :) I suspected him the whole time. Some in our group have 'inner relationships' too.
- What? Julie's response is to try and kill herself? I'm so confused. I blame Tyler.
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Date: 2007-05-16 03:06 am (UTC)- This all makes it seem like discovering you're Plural is a bad thing, and that trying to kill yourself is the answer to it. Sure it might be difficult to understand because it's confusing, but that reaction isn't typical. :(
- I don't understand the "what's the what?" line. The first time I saw it I thought it was a typo. Looks like it isn't.
- Oh, it's just cutting on the skin and she didn't try to kill herself. But not all Plural Groups have cutters in their group.
- I enjoyed Heather's comment to the teacher, though DID is different than being just Plural, I think. One uses the medical 'symptoms' and the other doesn't.
- Matt's reaction is realistic, can't blame him if he doesn't understand.
- I feel bad for Heather.
- Is Heather deliberately trying to do bad in everything now?
- Oh, okay it's summer vacation time and she's just closing up to go home.
- When did she start seeing a therapist? Is that new?
- I don't like this therapist at all. First impression. He doesn't want to talk about the other members of the group?
- Heather was at one time just her without any of the others? She says she wants her life 'back'.
- Zoe says that they've been there longer. Who's to say that one of the others want their own life too. Why does Heather get to be the one that the body belongs to? How did they make that decision?
- The fighting with the steering wheel is starting to turn it into a 'my evil hand' or like an evil possession or something. Making it seem like Zoe is evil, when she has a right to live just like Heather does.
as of page 70
- Zoe's a 'bitch', so she's drugging her? :( Poor Zoe.
- 'Littles' as in more than just BJ? How many people are in the whole group? Of course the children are scared. Heather's talking about 'getting rid' of everyone because she wants her own life back. :(
- Poor poor Heather. ("NOT!")
- At first when it said Britt and Matt were in uniform, I thought it meant a police uniform because of the police officer in the previous scene.
- Looks like Heather's life is back in order again, at school, working, skating again.
- What is Heather trying to 'get through'?
- Zoe is sitting on the bed. Heather is ignoring her. :(
- Orange traffic cones? Confused.
- Why are Tyler and Heather huddling together? I thought he liked Julie? I'm confused.
- Okay, was that Julie that kissed Tyler? (How are you going to do this on screen?)
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Date: 2007-05-16 03:07 am (UTC)- Okay. Tyler likes Heather. Tyler and Julie kiss. Heather like Matt.
- Heather lost time? That was never mentioned before. She loses time?
- Page 74. Great slip about the kids by Heather! That's the kind of slip one in the group I'm with would make. :)
- I like when Heather's sister in law says she remembers BJ.
- I'm curious. Are you saying Heather's group came into being because of abuse or not? I'm not sure from this conversation.
- Matt is following Heather's skating career on the television? Interesting.
- Again, I do NOT like this therapist. Insisting that Heather 'created' everyone in the group. He's pretty much telling her that he doesn't believe they are real, in a sense, calling her a liar.
- Heather's comment to the therapist saying that 'we created Heather' needs to be explained more. What do they mean by that?
- Alter egos are standing around the room? Now it makes it seem like what the therapist said was true.
- Are they all talking out loud or by thoughts to each other in the hospital?
as of page 90
- They are all agreeing to leave and let Heather stay in the body by herself? Where are they going to? Somewhere else?
- That scene with BJ is horrible. "I don't wanna die." I really don't like Heather at all right now. What gives Heather the right to keep the body and force everyone else to leave?
- Now Heather is telling BJ that she's going to stay "right here"? She's lying to her, unless she really means that BJ can stay.
- I honestly don't care much for Matt and Britt's scenes.
- 'Jules' is Julie, right? Heather is asking Tyler if he's heard from someone in her own group? I thought they all left. I'm confused right here.
- Another story about a Multiple who 'dissociated' (seen negatively here) and the girl had died. It makes it seem like being Plural is some sort of weakness. (Poor girl).
- Heather is going after Matt again? I thought she was with Tyler. What about Tyler? He was with Julie who was in the group, now Julie's gone, and Heather is just going out with Matt again? Why does she get to 'start over' if she 'killed' everyone else?
- 'Alter free for 17 days?' Sounds like she quit smoking or something.
as of page 98
- Where did Heather get the term 'headmates'? They were referred to as 'alters' previously. 'Headmates' sounds more like she would see them as being real people, instead of how she really thought of them.
- It's nice hearing that Heather misses them. At least she's not completely uncaring.
- Alright, now everyone is back again. What if it really had been permanent?
- Heather can hear Julie now? I thought she didn't know about Julie? Or was it Julie who didn't know about all the others?
- That word 'fracking' is annoying. :)
- Now at the wedding, the term 'alter egos' is used again.
- So Heather and Tyler are getting married now? I thought Heather and Matt were trying to patch things up?
- The 'we do' at the wedding was a nice touch.
overall
I feel mixed over it. I enjoyed some parts, and didn't like others. Some of the intial confusion may have been due to not reading a screenplay before. The main confusion is in relation to the fact that all the group members are external to the body, like spirits would be. Not all groups relate to their members outside of the body. Usually it all takes place within a 'headspace' or another 'inner world' or just with thoughts. I'm not sure I really liked Heather for most parts of it, the relationships were a bit complicated. This is a difficult lifestyle to express in a visual media. It isn't too bad, and is better than some other examples we've read.
-Butterfly, LeAnne, Kasia, and others
Kasiyan Epitome
Thank you!
Date: 2007-05-16 04:00 am (UTC)I appreciate your taking the time to read the script and for your in-depth assessment. I'll definitely go back through and see what I can make clearer and more consistent.
Thanks again!
Dianne.
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Date: 2007-05-16 03:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-16 04:01 am (UTC)thanks!
Dianne.
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Date: 2007-05-17 11:17 am (UTC)Have you ever seen Herman's Head? Except in one special episode, the group were never seen outside of the "head" area (a small set dressed as an attic), and action cut back and forth between that and the outside world where friends and co-workers saw Herman's body, not realizing that four people were running it.
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Date: 2007-05-18 04:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-16 05:57 am (UTC)The therapist scene on page 77 doesn't finish - Heather delivers a dramatic line and then we cut without resolution.
And the scene on pages 81 and 82, where Heather says goodbye to Zoe and BJ, the emphasis is wrong. This is subtle, but it reads like Heather's doing the right thing. I think it's that Zoe and BJ are relatively okay with it. Your overall theme is fine, now, but this scene is off. Actually, I wonder if this might be the right place for the reconciliation, though that would mean serious changes to the rest of the script. But this is where the negative consequences of trying to be one person have come to a climax...
I was just skimming, though, looking for key/new scenes. There may be other stuff I didn't spot.
Rob
Inside voices / outside voices
Date: 2007-05-16 04:34 pm (UTC)We argree this is the Most confusing. Their is a disorder where people hear and see others outside the body. it is called schizophrenia . which DID and MPD people use to get diagnosed with very often before someone was smart enough to figure out when the dr was asking do you hear voices to ask if they hear them inside or outside.
We appreciate how hard you are working on this. We think maybe with your friends with MPD or DID when they talked about their insiders doing A,B,C or saying A,b C they did not explain to you it was from inside. As we suggested in another post maybe have Lots of this going on Inside the inside house of Heather. and make outside sceans black and white and the inside world in color. this also could make your movie longer because inside most of us have a whole place, house, kingdom some even whole worlds.
Just our thoughts
Reberto's Community
Re: Inside voices / outside voices
Date: 2007-05-16 08:32 pm (UTC)My friend, who is a multiple, at one time was unable to tell the difference between flesh and blood people and certain headmates (whom she thought were flesh and blood friends). If they existed only within a "headspace," seems like it would've been pretty obvious. She also described her headmates doing things in "realspace" -- for example, two of her headmates working on homework on the bed while she worked at the computer.
I can only assume that different systems percieve their members in different ways.
=o I likes this more.
Date: 2007-05-16 09:01 pm (UTC)"""The main confusion is in relation to the fact that all the group members are external to the body, like spirits would be. Not all groups relate to their members outside of the body. Usually it all takes place within a 'headspace' or another 'inner world' or just with thoughts."""
This looks to us like the biggest piece of confusion, as a lot of people probably will think them hallucinations of Heather's.
I think something that would be cool, a little along the computer graphicy side (as well as very demanding on the actress)would be sequences where everyone is out of body when no one else (singletons) are around, and when they around they can kinda 'zip' back into Heather's body. And scenes where there is switching around other people, like when Heather is talking to Tyler at the beginning and then B.J. pops out, that exchange you (this is your call though) might want to have done by Heather (the actor) acting Heather, and have the things B.J. says that only Heather hears, would play in B.J.'s voice off stage as 'thoughts' are often done in movies, and when there's the switch over to B.J. from Heather, that would all be the actress's doing.
It just seems like it might be confusing if you have the actor of B.J. actually give Tyler the drawing, it wont be consistent. Oh! You could have B.J. and Heather say those lines of B.J in sync, and then B.J pushes Heather's arms and through them the picture to Tyler, or something like that. :D
By the way, this is better than before in my opinion, there is a reference to Alter when Heather speaks with Professor Marx on page 3.
I can't finish reading through this newer draft, apartments to see (yay...).
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Date: 2007-05-17 04:07 am (UTC)As for how the scenes are shot, I understand what you're saying, but that's more of the director's call than the screenwriter's.
Thanks again for the input -- good luck with the apartments!
Dianne.
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Date: 2007-06-01 11:59 am (UTC)I like the beginning as it stands. I like being confused. Ditto with the plot twists - they're good stuff. The first two thirdsish read very well.
The ending, though, feels rushed. Heather's angry with Tyler, whom she's seen all the way through as a friend, and all of a sudden she's in love with him? That threw me. She adjusted too quickly.
And then the wedding scene... comes completely out of left field. Does it have to end with a wedding at all? There could be a scene with them sitting somewhere together and kissing, while still keeping the cute touches with B.J. and the others gathering round them.
Apart from the clips from Buffy, Lion King etc arousing my general media industry "eep, copyright fees!" anxiety, no other crits. I enjoyed it. I thought the characters were well-sketched, especially the headmates (they sometimes felt 'realer' than the non-headmate characters - I guess not deliberately, but it's another layer of irony!).