there's someone in my head, but it's not me...(x-posted to my lj, fragmentedminds and here)

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

Doctor, my eyes have seen the years
And the slow parade of fears
Without crying;
Now I want to understand.
I have done all that I could
To see the evil and the good
Without hiding;
You must help me if you can . . .

doctor, eyes by jackson browne

i was afraid this might happen...i had an appointment to see my therapist this morning, and something kept insisting that it was tomorrow morning...i had even gotten up early and was getting my stuff together - print outs of poems, and emails i had done about all of this going on in my head to give some type of explanation of the crap in my head...
so i've rescheduled for april 18th at 4:30pm...
i have that written down...
but i had the other written down, too...i guess that was for naught...

things have happened as of late both here at work and else where and i honestly do not remember what happened...some things were great fun and i would honestly like them repeated as i have a vague recollection of it being a grand time - i just wish i had been there to experience it completely...i was even asked if i was there and i heard my voice say something, but i don't remember what it was, i only know it sounded convincing...
my friend asked me where something was in his house - and off the top of my head - i told him the exact location...i don't remember "seeing" it there...and yet i knew...
most like his cooking, the food at my house is usually starchy so this is a nice change of pace, i think...in fact the eating is better at his place then my own...go figure...

a couple are DYING to learn more about the computer, while the rest get bored easily and i hate that cuz then i forget...and it's fucked...
sometimes i feel like the only safe place i have is my car, but even then i'm not so sure...

when people come and go, it gives me headaches and makes me sleepy and i've been told time and again that this will happen but i still don't like it...it's of no comfort at all to know it's to be expected...

i was also told that the forgetting of the appointment might also happen...
a defence mechanism, if you will, of everything being hidden and nothing being said...

great...

more fucking secrets...

the whole thing w/the glasses and that post had me somewhat mortified and appalled, and yet, thank god, no one noticed...that's not me...i was actually kind of excited about the glasses to begin with...

something/someone wants to start a dialogue w/another person IRL, but is unsure of how to approach him...he's working on the driving thing...even tho' it's ok - in a way, it's not...and yeah, something WAS written in the form of communication and i don't know why...

i'm going on a road trip w/phil to 'vegas on thursday and that should be a joy and a half...wish i could bring the laptop and write all this shit down...email a written journal to myself and post it here...it's been a thought for awhile now...
wish i could hide that thought...

some days i feel really great and can get thru the day alright, and sometimes i cannot...
nina asked once if i was british, and i said no...of course, after she said that, this name "douglas" popped into my head...
great...
another guy...

easter was next to impossible to get thru w/all the fuck ups my brother brought about...i did go to my mom's for a short about of time, ate, napped and came home and crawled into bed...

nine times out of ten, i just want to disappear off the face of the planet never to be heard from again...i want to move out and into a motel room and tell no one - just be gone, then all this shit can come out and no one is the wiser...

Comments

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

:( It sounds like you're going through a confusing time. I want to say more, but I'm not sure I understand all that is happening with you. :(

-Butterfly

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

"confusing" isn't the word for it...and yeah, please say more because i don't know what to think or feel anymore...
not at all...
"people" come and go and i feel like i don't know where "i" end and "they" begin...
lapses in time, i'm there but i'm not...a vague notion of something happening and yet i'm not sure...

[seven-and-rain.livejournal.com]

when people come and go, it gives me headaches and makes me sleepy and i've been told time and again that this will happen but i still don't like it...it's of no comfort at all to know it's to be expected...

This happens to us when someone who isn't used to controlling the body has a go at it. Maybe it'll go away in time, as you& adjust?

Best of luck,
- Es

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

Maybe it'll go away in time, as you& adjust?

as i "adjust"...
god, i can only hope...

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

well, i've heard that this is to be expected, and like you said - really, it's not that much of a comfort...i get a little scared and yes - it is MOST disorienting...when it happens at work, i just keep incredibly busy and try and get as much done as possible and just not think about it...
someone else is typing, and filing and answering the phone and someone else is being a smart-ass w/co-workers and someone else is eating lunch because the first 2 don't feel like eating...
and sometimes i wind up crying because i don't know what else to do...
and you can't believe how much i appreciate all that you've said...really...i know i'm not alone in this, but it helps to have my feelings/emotions validated in this manner...

[dizzylove.livejournal.com]

When our body was adolescent, we would very often switch up whoever was doing our socializing depending on how well any one of us got along with a person. Like it was a different personality that talked to my parents, a different personality that talked to my extended family, a different one for "cool" adults, a different one for other kids that were generally more privileged than we are (we are bisexual, transgender, for all practical purposes agnostic, and came from a poor family living in West Tennessee), and a different personality for our circle of closer acquaintances. We also had a generally responsible personality that simply got things done. Most of the rest of us just shut down because of our own inner turmoil about possibly being gay or some other sort of misfit.

In those years though (about 5 years ago), we didn't know we were multiple and were only able to realize it after we started working on our feelings about ourself. Some of our personalities have disappeared since then (I'm the generally responsible personality. I'm still around) and new ones have arisen, which just adds to the confusion. I think the best thing you can do is just go with it. It's been harder for us to fight it than to accept it. Take that for what it's worth to you, of course.

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

i have this insane thought that perhaps this only happens in certain places where i live and this WON'T happen when i'm traveling...
heh...i thought wrong...
my b/f and i are in nevada (i live in the san francisco bay area) visiting my sister and we're goingto see cirque de soleil BEATLES LOVE show at the mirage...i want to say that it took about 2 or 3 people to drive here, i know that one driver is a sullen 16 yr. old boy named "julian" who doesn't have a license and is only "allowed" to drive because he lets the others listen to music they like...
i can't even wrap my head around that...
there is one that talks to my family, but it feels weird and yet polite and nothing at all how "I" would talk...
the first week of march a co-worker looked at me one day and said after i had been efficiently office like on the phone dealing w/clients and providers, "who are you, and what have you done with janina?"
i didn't know what to say to that...
last week the same gal came to me and said, "i see you are yourself this week and it's nice to have you back"
still didn't know what to say, so i nodded and smiled and went back to work not having a fucking clue as to what she meant...
my b/f hasn't a clue, but only 2 other people have an idea - one is my oldest daughter and the other is my "friend"...he knows a lot more than i ever thought possible...he kind of "talks" to them and i have no idea how that works, either...
i like what you are saying and it's actually kind of helping me to "see" what's going on...
can i add/friend you? i mean, if not, that's cool...i understand...

[dizzylove.livejournal.com]

I would really love that! I think you are someone we would like to talk to also. :3

the friending thing

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

thanks, did the friending thing a minute ago...