Tired and heading into sickness it seems
Oct. 12th, 2003 01:22 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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multiplicity_archivesFrozenness continues--took meds at noon most important thing. Hearing voices muttering right now. Shaking.
My dilemma is I'm very intelligent and creative so people think 'you're all right, you can do a job' but they don't see me like this. Only the people who've known me for years see the full picture. I do my computer work duuring the well parts, the 'normal' but then no employer is going to put up with my being sick like this I can't keep to any deadlines. Even my intermittent attempts at selling things have had to be shut down as I can't keep to my own deadlines. I am frightened of triggers. I have to have something to do during the well parts and esp. the Jim(17) parts so I work on that webpage but I can't do it consistently. i feel very sick now.
We are experiencing a frozen state, heading, I'm afraid into another downward spiral. I wonder if there's anything we can do to stop it. Our case manager is avoiding us and he has 'disappeared' our artwork that he took from us as a gift (quite against the rules).. Our artwork was created during well times, relatively speaking, and we are afraid it will be used against us, especially since it is flippant about things like work and illness in an effort to make light of those serious issues and not take them so seriously. Jim(17)'s influence to put those on there at all he wants to move forward. But he doesn't understand that we are very tired physically. But it is Sunday, we are usually exhausted on Sunday.
We are probably reading too much into this. Everyone inside has differing opinions on the matter. Jim(17) says 'Good! Let the truth out, we are tired of hiding!' Jimmy who is sick and scared is of course frightened of discovery. James(38) is tired of steering the boat but is worried about the stability of the collective. Phinny wants to hide in sickness in order to be well and have a sense of identity. JimB doesn't know what the truth is.
'Dad' is sad. 'Dad' is sad.
We have become rather preoccupied with diagnoses over the years, extremely obsessed with them. As soon as one is settled on, another alter comes in and says 'no we are something else'. It is very tiring. It has to do with identity. We are looking, particularly 'Phinny' is looking for identity toward or should I say through diagnosis.
He seems to be running the boat now.
My dilemma is I'm very intelligent and creative so people think 'you're all right, you can do a job' but they don't see me like this. Only the people who've known me for years see the full picture. I do my computer work duuring the well parts, the 'normal' but then no employer is going to put up with my being sick like this I can't keep to any deadlines. Even my intermittent attempts at selling things have had to be shut down as I can't keep to my own deadlines. I am frightened of triggers. I have to have something to do during the well parts and esp. the Jim(17) parts so I work on that webpage but I can't do it consistently. i feel very sick now.
We are experiencing a frozen state, heading, I'm afraid into another downward spiral. I wonder if there's anything we can do to stop it. Our case manager is avoiding us and he has 'disappeared' our artwork that he took from us as a gift (quite against the rules).. Our artwork was created during well times, relatively speaking, and we are afraid it will be used against us, especially since it is flippant about things like work and illness in an effort to make light of those serious issues and not take them so seriously. Jim(17)'s influence to put those on there at all he wants to move forward. But he doesn't understand that we are very tired physically. But it is Sunday, we are usually exhausted on Sunday.
We are probably reading too much into this. Everyone inside has differing opinions on the matter. Jim(17) says 'Good! Let the truth out, we are tired of hiding!' Jimmy who is sick and scared is of course frightened of discovery. James(38) is tired of steering the boat but is worried about the stability of the collective. Phinny wants to hide in sickness in order to be well and have a sense of identity. JimB doesn't know what the truth is.
'Dad' is sad. 'Dad' is sad.
We have become rather preoccupied with diagnoses over the years, extremely obsessed with them. As soon as one is settled on, another alter comes in and says 'no we are something else'. It is very tiring. It has to do with identity. We are looking, particularly 'Phinny' is looking for identity toward or should I say through diagnosis.
He seems to be running the boat now.
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-14 01:17 pm (UTC)"We have become rather preoccupied with diagnoses over the years, extremely obsessed with them. As soon as one is settled on, another alter comes in and says 'no we are something else'. It is very tiring. It has to do with identity. We are looking, particularly 'Phinny' is looking for identity toward or should I say through diagnosis."
... but... what a diagnosis IS, is a name for an illness, and one cannot be both the illness and the person who has the illness: it is a contradiction in terms.
If you base your identity on being sick, how can you ever get well?
Anyway, no matter what label these caregivers and caseworkers and such stick on you, it is still only a label, only a word... useful in the context of filling out insurance forms; NOT useful in the context of helping you understand yourself.
I think you may be hoping for more "help" than you're realistically going to get from those people. When you come right down to it, all they have to offer you is drugs and talk - and no guarantees that either the drugs or the talk are going to help you at all.
The drugs don't fix anything, y'know. All any of them do is mask symptoms - which (when it works) can make life more comfortable, but doesn't resolve any underlying problem, and may decrease one's ability to even address the underlying problem. The talk doesn't fix anything either - at best, one gets friendly sympathy, useful advice, and support for sorting out one's own thoughts and feelings. At worst, one gets reinforced for staying "sick" and pushed to become even sicker.
You've got a big reinforcement for staying sick, in that if you get well, you'll lose your income. They've got you over a barrel, because if you get too sick, you'll be locked up. No wonder you are so sad and scared; yours is an untenable position.
There's got to be some way you can get free of those people - some way you can support yourself financially, so you aren't dependent on them; some way you can get off the drugs without becoming incapacitated (don't just stop taking them; sudden withdrawal can be lethal); some way you can get the emotional support and help you need without having to be such a wreck in order to "deserve" it.
I hope you make it through this. Keep us posted, eh? Best of luck, hon; hang in there.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-14 03:06 pm (UTC)Well I have set up a big support system for emotional support--those people don't give me any and I've gotten used to that--I am over a barrell I want to be free of the system but I am also dependent on it. I need to make a move. Maybe tomorrow will provide the answer.
One thing I have going for me is my section 8 so that even if I don't have ANY income I sitll have a place to stay.
And medi-cal apparently will pay for the drugs even if I work and am low income, I think that's the case. They can't just cut off the drugs if they cut off the ssi, that would be lethal as you say.
I'll figure out something from this. I'm intelligent and creative. I can figure this out.