question

[coconutchica.livejournal.com]

hi, I've always considered myself a singlet, but something strange happened to me and i just wanted some feedback.

i realized that i have been sort of repressing emotions/memories since i was 3, when my brother was born (i wanted a sister and thought if i was good i'd get what i wanted. i didnt get what i wanted, so i figured i must have been bad, so i became Perfect Girl to my parents).

now i never even realized that i was being Perfect Girl to my parents until my friend Hillary (who is also in this comm) told me and then i finally realized that, yeah, i talk differently and have a totally different facade with my family - i'd never swear, admit to anything bad, i lie to my parents but very carefully, only got caught a very few times doing anything bad growing up, honor roll, etc.

so i was working all of this stuff out and also thinking about how i can't do trust falls (i think i would fall forever) and i really felt like i was in a trance. i could barely form the words "what would happen to me?" regarding the trust fall. i had never even gotten that far in the thinking process before. i just assumed i'd be obliterated completely the second i gave up control. i felt like a really little kid again.

so i've felt that my mind and body have been at odds for a long time but now i think it's more like i need to get rid of the Perfect Girl facade. it's been 24 years of practice though, so it will be hard. i apologize if anyone here feels this is inappropriate, but to be it seems like an integration issue and i could use advice there.

also, any ideas on that trance thing? i've never been hypnotized but i've also never before felt like i was SOMEONE ELSE and it was scary. like it didnt feel like my brain or anything. i was trying to ask a question sooooo hard but i didn't feel like myself, and my mouth was resisting, and the room looked weird and hazy, and i felt inside my head, not inside my body. it was freaky. it went away after i asked like 2 questions.

Comments

[refined-mirages.livejournal.com]

Your feelings relate heavily to Borderline Personality Disorder...

Remember how we mentioned that BPD is often a pre-cursor to MPD/DID?

You are certainly heading towards DID/MPD territory but I don't think you're quite there yet. Dissociation is very common with BPD and it often gets worse with time/situation/etc.

Those with BPD are very good at putting up a facade. It's actually one of the keys to diagnosis. BPDers try very hard to make sure people like them even if they don't like the people they're trying to impress. They do everything in their power to be something they're not even if it hurts them.

~Midnight

[coconutchica.livejournal.com]

oh i have borderline. and the medicine they put me on helps my emotions but makes me have a really bad memory :-(

[refined-mirages.livejournal.com]

I know you have BPD...I remember. :)

BPD and meds don't mix very well hence the bad memory. If it gets really bad, I'd suggest seeing your doctor for a different medication option.

[coconutchica.livejournal.com]

the way you defined borderline was beautiful. i'm a horrible summarizer bc i never know what parts are important.

(and ok i'll just be honest .... smoking weed may hurt my memory more than my real meds. lol. but i would never give it up. it lets me feel my body all the way. i never did that before)

[refined-mirages.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

Ah...but I doubt weed is going to help with the dissociation, it could make it worse.

[coconutchica.livejournal.com]

damn i thought it might just overwhelm Perfect Girl with all of the amazing revelations about the real world's 3 dimensionalness.

ive been "puking up ectoplasm" for days as all the weird stuff i mistakenly believed keeps coming out from deep inside me so that reality can finally settle in where it belongs.

i have "amazing" realizations all day long like "air is not nothing, it's a real thing" and "poems have meanings beyond the words. i did not know that. that's why all of my poems, while technically correct, just plain sucked, and no one knew why". or like, what a medium situation feels like. but you may do these things too. i dont have any borderline friends and i naturally assume i'm a freak....and repeat crazy cycle right after i thought i was better, round 756645353575960.

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

BPD is often a pre-cursor to MPD/DID. it is?

it is? Kes

[refined-mirages.livejournal.com]

According to my past psychiatrists, it is because the most common symptom of BPD is dissociation and because BPDers often split their own aspects of their personality to impress others. The forced splitting of personality with the dissocation that already occurs leads to MPD/DID over time...unless the person with BPD learns to cope with their mental state in other ways.

Although, there are exceptions to the theory. I have DID/MPD and BPD together and I had the DID/MPD first which confuses the heck out of my therapists & psychiatrists.

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

if your plural state came first maybe one of the people in your group has bpd and that is why it came afterward. of course I don't know how mind science works here. Kes

[refined-mirages.livejournal.com]

You would be correct there, only 2 of us have BPD but we have a nasty habit of not liking to discuss 'ourselves' with therapists and psychiatrists...we find great humor in their confusion. ;)

~Midnight

[hold-me-coldly.livejournal.com]

My DID/MPD came before my BPD first as well.

[ex-pinkmonk.livejournal.com]

Wai-wait...where can I read more of this? I'm interested, because a nurse once put the idea in my head (during an ER visit, THX LADY) that I was borderline, leading to years of "Am I, Am I not, Maybe I am and don't know...AAAAH!?" and other general mind-wreck. I don't have that anxiety any longer, especially since everyone started showing up in the system. I didn't know the two could be connected in any way...but I find that very interesting.

[refined-mirages.livejournal.com]

The information I was given was through a doctor. Where he read it, I don't know but...

For more information on BPD, here's a pretty good & informative book, Lost in the Mirror:
http://www.amazon.com/Lost-Mirror-2nd-Borderline-Personality/dp/0878332669/sr=8-8/qid=1165503305/ref=pd_bbs_8/105-8575206-1562801?ie=UTF8&s=books

[idianshire.livejournal.com]

From what I know, if you buy into the medical model, bpd is a personality disorder, MPD/DID is a dissociative disorder, they arent' related, of course they also aren't mutually exclusive. Although BPD is often the trash can of diagnosis where people who con't quite fit or aren't "responding" to treatment can be thrown, it is still far more acceptable to many professionals than MPD/DID is. Therefore BPD's sympton of a lack of identity stablity can often catch a lot of multiples, therefore a lot will have the BPD diagnosis before realising, accepting or discoverign they are multiple

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

if I went to a mind therapist and was diagnosed with bpd I should be worried that my therapist might not know what they're doing? Kes

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

it isn't a definite science isn't that right? Kes

[vinik.livejournal.com]

I've heard a lot of non-multiples with emotional/trauma issues talk about how they adapt to their families this way, and sometimes particular groups of friends they feel a lot of pressure around. It's a form of dissocation, and doesn't necessarily mean you're multiple or even close to it.

So chances are you may be a singlet that is used to a coping mechanism that you felt helped in the past, but doesn't necessarily help you now. Don't jump to any conclusions just yet.

Good luck,

Kennedy

[coconutchica.livejournal.com]

wow, i just re-read what i wrote, and i realized how poorly i tend to present my true thoughts.

that is my BPD folks. that was my starting argument, i guess, where i give very vague info and "take the temperature." i didnt really feel that i was multiple.....just dissociated....like i hardly ever really "feel" my body....

i was mostly looking for ways or suggestions of how to like, get rid of this facade. my body, like, can't think verbally, and my mind is the facade bc the facade has my verbal skills....i dont know how to ask for what i want. dammit.
i just dont want to be disassociated.

[refined-mirages.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately until you learn to cope with BPD without the aid of medications, etc., you're kind of stuck with the facade and the dissociation. Some BPDers find behavioral therapy useful in getting rid of the facade and such...perhaps you should speak with your therapist/psychiatrist about joining a DBT program.

~Aminta

[shalanar.livejournal.com]

It's not much to offer, but in terms of my BPD, the biggest thing that helped me drop the facade was talking about it with someone who could relate (and not in a doctor way). Me and my hubs (who is a multiple) have had long conversations about it, and when I start putting up a mask (for lack of a better term) he notices now and mentions it. I haven't been on meds in quite a while, and I think that's partially because I learned to drop the facade (partially also because I'm so damned stubborn I just refuse to take meds unless things get really bad).

Of course, its taken some adjusting for my family and friends, most of whom thought I was a much nicer person than I really am. But they've stuck by me. It helps that I did things gradually. I can't say I'm particularly thrilled by my own true nature, but things are a lot easier now that I don't have to pretend as much (though I still keep a facade up at work...most of the time).

Anyways, not much help, and I'm not sure it even makes sense, but there it is.

[coconutchica.livejournal.com]

i love help. i never know how to ask! i just thought that everyone had a facade. my brother always mocked my "phone voice" but i assumed i needed to sound extra sweet on the phone. no idea why.

i like the meds i take bc they let me calm down and actually observe my life instead of being so caught up in every little everything! i could barely keep it together before, i was so anxious and depressed and then 100% of every other emotion that cropped up.

i dont know how to do things gradually. i'm so black and white it's ridiculous. yeah i'm worried i'm a huge horrible bitch!!! bc the only thing that surprises people is when i get angry. i'm soooo scared to seem different bc in the past i've always left ppl as soon as they've changed bc why would i bother learning MORE information? i'd already like memorized everything about them so i'd never bother or hurt them, they couldn't be different unless it was to fit my preconceived notions of ideal!

so it really was a lot of help bc i thought that pretending was easier, even though i obviously kept seeing it be harder. but no, the facts weren't enough, i had to keep getting hurt.....

i just have to have faith that my parents will still love me if i'm not perfect.

[shalanar.livejournal.com]

i love help. i never know how to ask! i just thought that everyone had a facade. my brother always mocked my "phone voice" but i assumed i needed to sound extra sweet on the phone. no idea why.

I think to some degree everyone does have a facade. But it's like "grandma manners" (a concept I grew up with). I had to behave around my grandma when she was sick, not because I was a bad child, but out of consideration for her, and her moods/energy/etc. And I think in those terms, everyone puts up a facade at some point, if only because of other people.

As to to the whole phone voice thing, I totally understand that. I have a work voice that actually is more my facade voice than anything else. I work with people who when I meet them in a public place outside of work, don't recognize me on voice alone, even though we've worked together for years. That said, they often don't recognize my mannerisms or anything else as well, since I knowingly put up my old facade when I am at work.

Pretending can be easier, but...it was the most liberating thing for me when I finally told my husband that I was not who he thought I was. It was extremely liberating to talk about faking emotions, and how I had almost lost sight of my true self because of all the years of wearing a mask. Pretending is easier, in a sense, but it's not authentic. I prefer being authentic to myself, even if some people get hurt in the process.

But to each their own, that's a decision you'll have to make. Particularly if you can't do things gradually. As a suggestion though you might try letting down your facade only around one person at first, if possible. Then more and more people over time. That's essentially how I did it (though slightly more abruptly with some people then with others).

[coconutchica.livejournal.com]

i am trying to stop the pretending......i dont think i do much pretending with hillary. and i'm doing less with my boyfriend (so i guess i can do things gradually....it's kinda like, i do whatever i remember, i think).

i decided that with my parents i'll go a little more gradual: if they ask me a question i'll answer honestly. however i'm not going to just start volunteering info bc then i'll never stop. i used to do that with people, like 3 seconds after i met them.

i hate pretending! i just dont know who i am really.......i'm sure i'm fascinating though.

[shalanar.livejournal.com]

i just dont know who i am really

And that's the fun/painful part. Discovering your true self.

[coconutchica.livejournal.com]

that's comforting to hear.....i get scared that i'm a dragon or something. like today i tried to picture what was behind me and all i could come up with was like a 6 headed evil snake.

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

I thought you did very well expressing yourself. Kes

[coconutchica.livejournal.com]

thanks! i just have no objective reality so i get very nervous sometimes. everything is equal to me. thank god i dont have to do probability for a job!

[coconutchica.livejournal.com]

i want a kitten soooo bad. i cant help it. it's so hard for me to know what i want.

sometimes i feel like you'll think i'm a total freak when i do stuff like that. i feel like i'm in the Exorcist or something. but i know that you are genuinely accepting. it just takes a long ass time for things to sink in for me.

i always forget that things dont happen instantly. i know i've been pushing myself too hard but i forget that like, i have tomorrow, and lots more tomorrows. i always think that today is it!

i get so scared of losing things, but i have to purge physical things out of my life like all these magazines in my apt. but for someone who can barely put away laundry.......that might take awhile!

[ex-pinkmonk.livejournal.com]

We all need a kitten.

[coconutchica.livejournal.com]

i got a kitten today. he's so cute!

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with what you experienced. I mean, you're the only one who can figure out what it really means, but you sound like you have plenty of insight into what's going on with you-- how you had to be perfect for your parents, etc. But, it's possible for a singlet to have a deliberately created facade and still be a singlet.

[coconutchica.livejournal.com]

ok, i was just freaked out and not sure what i was going through. the facade is exhausting!