(no subject)

[jerseytwo.livejournal.com]

This is our first real post here, other than comments, and we never really introduced ourselves, so probably there's some basic background stuff that would help with answering my question.



So we're a little new at this, but not really. See, I've been around for a really long time, but we have always spent most of our time blending and we've always shared memories with each other. My first memory that I know was my own, not hers, is from when we were four. There are some memories I have that I know were just her, not me, and I think it goes vice versa as well. But we never really figured out what was going on. In early teen years, we talked to each other, sort of, but she just kind of thought she was crazy. She went through a period where instead of talking to me, she wrote me letters every night. Late teens were a fiasco of blending and confusion and not knowing who was who and not being able to work it out. We've always been friends, even before we knew what was really going on, and for that I'm really glad. It would totally suck to not be friends with each other (I know a couple of people who've had big problems with bitterness and hatred within their system, etc, and it's bad). Anyway, not to say it's all whatever rainbows and crap, but it's normally pretty good. We've helped each other through some bad stuff, and have a pretty tight relationship.

I guess my question is two questions. First, how have any of you dealt with sexuality issues? She's the birth-whatever, and is a lesbian (finally, she figured it out. That's one of those things I had to hold her hand through, and got a little frustrated about). I'm neither a girl or attracted to them. I finally got her to accept that she didn't want the typical marriage (we grew up in a really conservative Christian environment that's anti-gay and also anti-psychology. aka, god should be able to fix anything and there are no real mental problems except what prayer can make better). And maybe it's just that I'm really new at fronting by myself, and really just being myself apart from her and taking some time to myself where I'm not even thinking about her or talking to her, but I'm having a really freaking hard time accepting that I'll never have my own sexual/romantic life. No guys that I'm attracted to would look twice at us, because this is a girl's body. Are there coping mechanisms, exercises, anything that anyone has done to get over this crap? Cuase I hate that it's coming between us, but I get really frustrated a lot now and I hate feeling like I'm mad at her, cause I'm not. I'm just mad at the circumstance. My frustration about this was part of what opened us up to the ability to be separate, act separate, front individually instead of just blending all the time. No one officially knows about me, though her parents have read some of the letters she wrote me. They just thought she was...I don't know what they thought. But anyway.

The second question is a little more complicated. For a lot of growing up, we thought it was just us two. No one else really showed up, or anything, so we didn't suspect. We also had no idea what multiple systems were or what we were so there was no reason for us to wonder. But I've known for a while now that it wasn't just us. Isabel was pretty easy to find, cause she's open. Our mindspace-thing has a lot of places for people to be where we wouldn't see them, but Isabel doen't go there without one of us. She's little, I don't really know how young, but probably between 4 and 7. I'm not good with little girl ages. She doesn't know about "outside," and I don't plan to tell her anytime soon. If she asks, I will, but she hasn't really expressed any interest in being anywhere else. She likes it inside, and for now it's probably safer for everyone if she stays there. It kind of freaked out Jessica when she found out about Isabel, but after spending some time with her, she got over it. She likes kids.

I've known there were others, too, but no one was making any move to front or even introduce themselves to Jes, so I was going to let it slide. But then, just a while ago, Jenny came back out. We went through a really rough semester a while back, one that really confused us, and Jes spent most of it running away. I ran things for a good while, and Jenny was there, cofronting, taking the place I'd pretty much eptied when I took over where Jes left. It was not a good time, with some depression and self-mutilation and anger. I could feel Jenny's anger and hurt about the things that were happening. As most of those things were my fault, I took a big part of the blame for what went on, esp to Jes when she came back. Jenny's probably about 14 or 16 or so. She's been gone since then, and I don't think Jes even suspected she had ever been around. The events were scaring her, and on some level I think she recognized it, but it was easier to just think it was me going nutso on her.

But now Jenny's back. She only came to me, still hasn't spoken to Jes, since I asked her not to. I talked to Jes about it, and she started hyperventilating and really freaking out and ran away for a day or so. If it was up to Jes, Jenny would stay out of the way forever, but she knows it's not fair. I'm not that great at the interpersonal thing, and am certainly not the right guy to mediate any sort of delicate negotiation. Jenny's been great so far, staying put while I try to get things sorted through with Jes. I don't want anyone running away or hating each other or freaking out more htan necessary, but I'm a complete loss as to what to do. I don't think we (any of us) could handle a repeat of what happened last time, but I don't really know that it would happen again. I'm still frustrated, like I was then, but I have a better handle on my life now, as does Jes. I just don't want to screw things up by doing this wrong. So. Any thoughts, suggestions, stories, whatever you've got, would be really, really helpful. I'm trying to make everyone in here slow down, but if we try to wait until I konw what to do, we'll be waiting a hell of a long time.

So that's my crap, in a nutshell. It's ridiculously long, I know. Thanks to anyone who got through the whole thing, or even just part of it. I've been lurking around for a while, since before I started blogging about all this, and it's been cool to read everything.

Thanks,
Jeremy

Comments

[our-menagerie.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to say hi. We did read it all, just not sure what to say. I am a gay boy and live in this female, lesbian body and most of the girls in here are lesbian. I just deal with it as best I can. Since we are involved with another multiple system that makes it a bit easier for me because at least I can have partners from their system. We only see them once or twice a year in real life though, and this year not at all, so it can be hard but *shrugs*. Just wanted you to know somebody was reading. :)

TJ (aka: fish)

[jerseytwo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It's nice to just have people know, you know? We can't really tell anyone irl, and we only know one other multiple, who's a couple of states away now. Also it's really really good to know someone else gets the whole sexuality thing.

[mirrorbrothers.livejournal.com]

Well, what about a bisexual guy? He could be attracted to your female body and your male mind.

The real problem is when your headmate is always conscious, attracted to the other gender, and can usurp your control. *wry glance at Rob* If I tried to kiss a girl, he'd just freak out, no matter how good his intentions were. Finding a guy who wants to date a guy who shares a girl's body with a lesbian doesn't sound all that hard, in comparison. But then, I'm not as sexual as a lot of people, so... *shrugs*

Rob, Johnny

[rabbitsystem.livejournal.com]

Too right, I have the same problem. Ellen isn't interested in girls, no girl's going to look at a guy in a girl's body, and I wouldn't really want to try anything with the wrong body. But it would have been nice to have a choice in the matter.
Seb.

[jerseytwo.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's the thing. I'm not sure how I'd feel about a physical relationship in the wrong body. I guess as long as my partner was completely on board, and knew what was going on and all, it might work out. I'd at least give it a try. I have before, at least, but that was before she got her own sexuality worked out, so she was perfectly happy to go along with it (even though she kind of got disgusted later on and ruined the experience). She has a habit of taking over without thinking about it (and without realizing she does it; she's not at all malicious or anything), but she also kind of runs away when things get crazy. I don't konw if/which one would happen if I tried to do anything.

[ricktboy.livejournal.com]

it's only about finding people who are understanding and sympathetic...and it's not as hard as it seems. there are 10 of us, 10 different lives, living seperately....and some of us are with people, some of us aren't atm...but the one thing all of our SO's have had in common, was they could look past the body, to the person behind it...

it's not as hard as it seems...

not sure who this is.
Pack Collective

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

TBH, I think you'd have a bigger problem finding people who are ok with polyamorous relationships than finding someone who'd be ok with a guy in a girl's body.

I'm not a good example because 'technically' I am pansexual, but I don't usually have a problem with somebody's body. I generally meet people over the internet, their gender is what their gender is, how their body is IRL doesn't bother me. If you're cruising around bars, yeah expect people to take you at face value. But especially with the internet and these communities, you never really know. There's also the option of going for a more masculine or androgynous look, in terms of hair style and clothing when it's you that's out. Might help you.

(I coped with it all by refusing to accept having to cope with it, personally, lol. My gender is the same as the body, but I refused to just 'get over' the idea I was never going to be allowed a relationship. Best thing I ever did maybe :P)


It sounds like a lot of what happened with Jenny was just some misunderstanding and the body having a rough time? I'm not sure what you're worried about. Talk it through with them. Lay down some ground rules, give her some freedom, and talk over whatever problems crop up. If Jes has issues with it, talk to her too. Locking someone away is only going to cause problems. You'll give them a *reason* to be angry and sabotage stuff.

[jerseytwo.livejournal.com]

There's also the option of going for a more masculine or androgynous look, in terms of hair style and clothing when it's you that's out. Might help you.

That's been a point of contention with us for a while. Our body is pretty overweight, which emphasizes the femaleness of it. Jes is pretty damn happy the way it is, which I guess is good that she's never had self-esteem issues like a lot of girls. I don't know how to deal with that stuff. But I wish we'd lose weight. I love running, and the weight plus the asthma makes that really hard. I'm a lot more interested in sports than she is, and just generally being in shape, and a big part of that is I know it would be easier on me if the body had, say, smaller boobs, and was less obviously girly. If I could buy clothes I liked and wear them when I'm out. We're still working on it, but it's hard to get her to agree to any sort of diet or exercise program, and she tends to take over when she gets frustrated. Hopefully soon that will be a real option.

With Jenny, I guess she scares me a little too. I'm scared for the body, cause there was some bad shit that went down. And I'm scared that Jes will try to run away again. But I don't want to keep Jenny grounded any longer, either. I guess I need to find some time when we can all get together and talk stuff out.

[mysticeden.livejournal.com]

people over here have had good relationships with other alters in other bodies. or online relationships. maybe you can do that?

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

The memories archive has a lot of past discussions on gender/sexuality (http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=multiplicity&keyword=gender+/+sexuality&filter=all) that you might see if anyone has said anything helpful in there.

We have a relatively small amount of experience when it comes to relationships but we've concluded that an ideal situation is one where you can be be open, honest, and out multiple to your partner, whether that person is multiple themselves or not. Also a lot of multiples we have heard from say their best relationships were with another multiple, and that has turned out to be true for us as well.

I (and the rest of the frontrunners) hear you on the body thing. It's one reason like ricktboy said, the ability to look past the body and see you is important.

Re: wow

[jerseytwo.livejournal.com]

Thanks. That helps. You're right, I never thought that Jes might be upset with me for not telling her. I just thought she didn't want to know, but I guess it makes sense. She's finally acknowledged Jenny's existence, and asked me to ask Jenny (she still won't talk to her directly, but I guess, like you said, large life changes and springing and whatnot) if we could all take a day in the next couple of weeks and talk things out. I'll try to be more a part of it than I originally planned. I thought I was the mediator, but I guess I'm not exactly completely removed from their relationship. Anyway, thanks.