a question...

[myorp.livejournal.com]

<img src=" i know that there are a number of opinions about being/having a sytem host but i have a little problem with it and i was hoping someone here might have some kind of idea. for some unknown reason i'm the host for us. i'm not sure why because i never asked for it but malmenel who was the original host has secluded himself in his library and doesn't come out much at all anymore and rarely even talks to the rest of us. somehow, with him steping back i wound up out front. the problem is this though: i am tired of being host and i want a break. i'm a girl and the body is a boy, i'm 14 and the body is 21, i am very confused about my sexuality and the body is not(as much as i wish it were). i'm sorta tired of having to deal with that constantly. i'm tired of having to pretend to be someone i'm not. but i can't seem to step back and let someone else take over... and no one really wants to. the twice that i did i was under extreme emotional stress and i just sorta went and curled up in a corner so everyone else had to figure out what to do. but even then i was still aware of everything that was going on and it was only because i was so frustrated with life and upset that i didn't just pop back into the front half of the time. that doesn't mean that i'm always out front. a few of the others regularly are. its just that that isn't the normal state of affairs. and as soon as they are done doing whatever it is they came out for i come back out. so anyway, if anyone has a suggestion as to how to step back and how to take a break please let me know? i know it might not work because some systems work differently than others but anything is worth a shot if i can take a break for a while. i really need it. thanks for anything you have to say. i'm open to just about anything. ~my