a question...

[myorp.livejournal.com]

<img src=" i know that there are a number of opinions about being/having a sytem host but i have a little problem with it and i was hoping someone here might have some kind of idea. for some unknown reason i'm the host for us. i'm not sure why because i never asked for it but malmenel who was the original host has secluded himself in his library and doesn't come out much at all anymore and rarely even talks to the rest of us. somehow, with him steping back i wound up out front. the problem is this though: i am tired of being host and i want a break. i'm a girl and the body is a boy, i'm 14 and the body is 21, i am very confused about my sexuality and the body is not(as much as i wish it were). i'm sorta tired of having to deal with that constantly. i'm tired of having to pretend to be someone i'm not. but i can't seem to step back and let someone else take over... and no one really wants to. the twice that i did i was under extreme emotional stress and i just sorta went and curled up in a corner so everyone else had to figure out what to do. but even then i was still aware of everything that was going on and it was only because i was so frustrated with life and upset that i didn't just pop back into the front half of the time. that doesn't mean that i'm always out front. a few of the others regularly are. its just that that isn't the normal state of affairs. and as soon as they are done doing whatever it is they came out for i come back out. so anyway, if anyone has a suggestion as to how to step back and how to take a break please let me know? i know it might not work because some systems work differently than others but anything is worth a shot if i can take a break for a while. i really need it. thanks for anything you have to say. i'm open to just about anything. ~my

Comments

[qilora.livejournal.com]

i'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling so tired and frustrated.....

the problem is this though: i am tired of being host and i want a break. i'm a girl and the body is a boy, i'm 14 and the body is 21, i am very confused about my sexuality and the body is not(as much as i wish it were). i'm sorta tired of having to deal with that constantly. i'm tired of having to pretend to be someone i'm not.

in regards to this, you might not like i what i am going to say ;-) and it is basically that at 14 years old, i really do not think that you should be having sexual intercourse, because i think that you should wait a few years on that... and if you are the "host" (not that i really understand what that means), then the body will just need to take your feelings into consideration, and be celibate for a few years....

as for suggestions about having others come out front and let you take a break... something i would suggest is that you talk with other members of your household, and ask if anyone would consider doing it... and that all of you learn all that you can about that other person't interests and needs, and get the body and your environments in a state that would be most attractive for them... for instance, when Eve wanted to come up front and spend a few months in the 3D (to get ready for the birth of her baby), the rest of us made a point to buy *lots* of fruit and rice (2 must haves for her) and to buy a few books "just for her" and also contacted an old friend of hers that she could talk with on a regular basis...

all of it was *very* helpful for her to come up front again... it made our physical home seem less foreign and unsettling to her, to have all these things that comforted her....

that sort of thing might help you folks out...

Julie & Co.

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

all of you learn all that you can about that other person't interests and needs, and get the body and your environments in a state that would be most attractive for them

Very important. I know after five evidenced, and she was out more, I bought crayons, and a stuffed giraffe with a rattle inside. After that, a two year old, who never really talked, started coming out for a little while every now and then just to feel the texture of the cloth and press it against her cheek, and to smell the crayons. Before then, she hadn't been close enough for me to tell she was there at all, but those two items were enough to bring her quite near to the front a number of times in a short while.

[qilora.livejournal.com]

hahah, just reading this, Jules was suddenly struck with the urge to run and find our crayons so that he could smell them! ;-) what *is* it about crayons that smell so addictive????

one of the things that we are striving for, in our quest for financial freedom, is to have a place that is entirely our own and has a little "play area", where we can put our toys and dolls.... none of us are lils in the actual fluffy-bunny sense, but we do have several folks in-house who would really just *love* to drop the grown-up-singlet act and play with all their toys in peace, from time to time....

Juju & Co.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

"what *is* it about crayons that smell so addictive????"

It's the petroleum. Soy crayons have a slightly different odor.

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

*giggles*

So we're not caught in the throes of fond remembrance, we're just petrol sniffers of the lowest degree, getting high on the scent of our multicoloured crayolas. *g*

Maybe that's why little kids have such poor fine motor skills - they scribble not because they're undeveloped, they're just trippin' out.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

I read somewhere it's actually the high stearic acid content. A Yale University study ranked the smell of Crayolas among the 20 most recognizable scents in America.

[myorp.livejournal.com]

going back and reviewing old threads? it was nice to see this turn up in my inbox. i rarely go back and read what i've written in the past and it was nice to go back and remember a problem i managed to overcome.

it also makes me glad that we have such a dedicated(or perhaps bored ^_~) moderator for our community who goes back and reads two year old threads.

[drucat.livejournal.com]

there's only one of me... (i hope no one minds my posting a reply here? just let me know if it's not kosher) but just reading all this is making m want to run and grab some crayons and have a nice cozy play area somewhere for my toys...

[qilora.livejournal.com]

oh, don't sweat it, i *doubt* you'd be asked to leave just because you were a singlet...

i actually like the fact that you can relate to the lot of us... it just goes to show that we really aren't too different, in many ways :-)

Juju & Jules

[drucat.livejournal.com]

That's exactly what I was thinking when I was reading through some of the posts last night... I can identify with a lot of things being said, despite my singleness... which makes sense, really, since we're all people. Thanks for not minding :) I promise not to ask anyone if they have multiple orgasms or if you can "make them go away" ...
~Stepha

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

Ah, poor girl, it sounds really difficult for you. *hugs* I must agree with Julia & Co. that 14 is too young for sexual relationships - a few years of celibacy might give you time to sort out your feelings about your sexuality. Anyway, it couldn't hurt.

Is there anyone in your system who's older, someone fairly stable and responsible, who could share the task with you? or is it possible to politely knock on the door of Malmenel's library and ask him to take up some of the slack? He might not realize what effect his withdrawing and leaving you "in charge" has had.

*wry grin* I have somewhat the opposite problem: one who wants to be out a lot - really needs to have at least an hour or two of physical activity every day, else he gets frustrated and miserable - but isn't capable of dealing with people or mundane responsibilities.

[aynetal3.livejournal.com]

As you mentioned systems work differently. In ours the host is the one who was born with our physical body. She doesn't have options to switch, though she does have many options to retreat. As far as switching who's out front amongst "the parts" ... this might take more communication in your system.

You might want to create a meeting place where everyone can vent and suggest ideas. Maybe have a log where people can submit questions ahead of time. The system should want to work toward supporting others within by trying to accomodate.

For example, we have one male amongst 19 females. He became tired of "always being given typical male burdens" So to be fair, we set things up so he could be teaching some of the females of his knowledge. AND, he took up an area that was more interesting to him. He now helps with coming up with new ideas!

Flexible roles or "flex time" is important to each of us. This is helped again by "peer tutoring." It's not fair in our system to just quit a responsibility; you have to train someone else to be taking it over! This is another way for us, as teachers and students, to be continuously growing!

We hope you well on your journey!

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

Well, I'll tell you what I think would work, because we had to do something similar at one point. Change your entire operating system. Make it so that there is no host, but a flexible core group of people who are equally strong sharing time managing the body's life. Sure, it may be difficult in the short term for someone to step back and trust others to manage things, but it sounds like the stress is enough for you at this point that it would be in your best long-term interest to change the way the whole system works.

It also made the others in our system feel more strong, real and honored to be accepted as capable persons in their own right not dependent on the central leadership of a single person.


Luck to you,
hostsareforwebsitesandweneedanewone!shiu

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

Oh, and BTW, as far as letting go when someone has a deathgrip on the front goes: Is there anyone in your system who associates strongly with anything, a book, a story, a TV show or anything else? Inundate yourselves with it to call them out. That works for us when someone is having trouble loosening their grip on the front position.


shiu again

[(Anonymous)]

I guess this is where negotiating skills come in. My feeling is if you need a break you should be able to get one. When I need one I demand it, and they follow thru.

I'm not going to agree with the rest of the responders in regards to sex. I think that since the body is of age that you have the opportunity to choose. Plurals are different from sinlgetons in that often there is a shared knowledge bank, and they may have more experience to have make that sort of decision. And again, you're 14, its way normal to be confused about your sexuality.

Anise of jenscovia

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

I second the suggestion to negotiate. We tend to hold "system meetings" by sitting down at the computer and typing out a dialogue, and before we make a decision, checking with each individual (whether or not they've said something in the discussion up till then) to check that they're happy with it. Otherwise some of us are too quiet to speak up at all, and they get accidentally passed over.