Singlet SO of a multiple

[cat-in-a-tree.livejournal.com]

Hi all. I'm a singlet but my SO is a multiple. I've read in the journals here and have some of the jargon and a tiny bit of understanding of what this is all about. I'd like to chat with someone in the same boat as me, a singlet SO of a multiple. Anyone?

Comments

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

I poked the fiance. I think his contact details are on his LJ userinfo: el_dirty_one

(If they're not, let me know)

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

(note: MSN and email he's good with, but AIM I'd need to poke him, since he forgets to bother with it, doesn't have many friends that use it. Just let me know.)

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

(.... *not* that he has his email listed. el.dirty.one @ gmail.com)

[makhsihed.livejournal.com]

*waves* I'm in that boat. Or... sort-of am. Or was. Or something - aaanyway, yeah, I can relate. Do you just want to chat through LJ, or do you want AIM/MSN/Y!M?

AIM: MeiryaBurd
MSN: snowspine@redwall.net
Y!M: snowyspine

[cat-in-a-tree.livejournal.com]

Hi. I really looking for other peoples views on living with and relating to multiples. A bit of helpful suggestions would be nice and a bit of "what is going on with this multiple stuff" would be good too. From what I've seen and read the professionals are tied up in preconceptions. On the other hand I have a hard time accepting some of the multiples self-descriptions at face value.

Fortunately for me, my spouse has only one other person in her head and he is OK as far as I can tell. Still it just feels weird. What is my relationship to this other? On the one hand I understand their point of view that they are both real, but on the other hand there is only one body and that counts for a lot.

Oh, and "sort-of am. Or was. Or something" is a bit vague. Is the relationship over? If I'm being too noisy just say so.

[makhsihed.livejournal.com]

No, relationship is still going on (we're actually engaged now), but I'm not entirely sure if I still qualify as a "singlet". Not comfortable talking about it just yet. Suffice to say that I at least was a singlet for quite some time, and still sort of am in some ways, so I can still discuss it in a singlet-y manner.

I'm a psychology major; I'll be done with my bachelor's in August. So I had some preconceptions when I first found out about my SO's multiplicity. I treated his headmates like they were just pieces of him for a while, until one of them (Gaarik) told me in no uncertain terms that such behavior was insulting, demeaning, and hurtful. It was sort of a wake-up call; I started researching a bit more and found out about nondisordered multiplicity, and things work a lot better now.

Helpful suggestions... Just treat each one as a separate, individual person in his/her own right. Don't treat your SO's headmate as less than a person, or just "a piece of your spouse", or any such thing; that'll likely just alienate both of them. Treat him as a real person, even if you don't think he actually is "real" (though you don't seem to have this problem?).

"What is my relationship to this other?"

He's a separate person from your spouse. On the other hand, he does share her body, and that affects the relationship. He has access to parts of her that you don't, simply because he shares her headspace and thus is likely privy to a lot of her thoughts, and he's probably almost always with her - so it's likely that he at least "overhears" some of the stuff that goes on between you and your spouse.

In a lot of ways, it's like having a roommate - except that the walls are very, very thin, and your spouse tells your roommate almost everything. (I don't know precisely how their system works; this is just going off of what I know of the too-many multiples in my life.)

The main problem for me comes in figuring out who's out - and making sure we've got some guidelines/rules for people fronting. (Mostly stuff like "Kerran, PLEASE don't front if Eduard and I are being intimate!" because I really, really, REALLY don't want to suddenly be in an intimate situation with someone I relate to as a sibling.) But if your spouse only has one headmate, and he's a different gender than her, it shouldn't be too hard to differentiate; voice, speech patterns, and mannerisms will probably (though not necessarily - but it's usually the case, in my experience) differ.

If you have a hard time telling them apart, work with your spouse and her headmate on some sort of cue or cues that can be used to let you know who it is. If you're unsure who's out, ask; it'll save you some potential embarassment and awkwardness.

As for "what is going on with this multiple stuff" ... from what I've seen (both online and in person), it differs from person to person. Some people are dissociative; their headmates are pieces of them, or aspects, or fractured parts of their self. Some people have simply had someone(s) else in their heads all their lives; the explanations range from being born with two spirits to a mental aberration. There's a number of other explanations, but I'm sure someone else will comment with those at some point. So your best bet would be to find out what your spouse thinks is going on - what's her explanation for it? What's her headmate's explanation (because his might differ)? What's it mean for her/them, what's their specific situation?

Does that help at all?

[cat-in-a-tree.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on your upcoming graduation and I wish you good luck in finding a good job afterward. :)

I've been doing my best to treat her head-mate as a separate person but that is not easy. My personal opinion is that the reality is somewhere between the psychologist's "It ain't real at all" and the multiple's "We are completely separate people in here". But I'm practical minded and willing to take my wife's and other's word that there are separate people. Doing otherwise only creates conflict which does no one any good.

He has been with her since early childhood and she would be practically unable to think, literally, without dialog between the two of them. He is permanent and stable. No childhood trauma, unless you count moving every year traumatic. Her dad is military. Both of them know everything about each other. No secrets. Ever.

We've had some good conversations the three of us. He does not front much, but it is hard to tell even when he is fronting. My wife is 5'2" so this does not exactly conjure up images of a man. He's friendly but a bit reserved. Kind of like a protective older brother who wants her to be happy.

Ok, here is a question. If a gay man has a woman's body doesn't that make "him" a straight woman? I just know I going to get jumped on for that question but I had to ask.

Someone else posted a suggestion of separate lovers. That works for some here on this board but it absolutely does not work for me. Fortunately that is not a problem for my wife or him. And no, I have not, knowingly at least, had sex with "him". It would be rather hard for us to think of him as male while having sex.

Thanks for great responses everyone.

[makhsihed.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you've got a good grasp of things and are handling it pretty well.

"If a gay man has a woman's body doesn't that make "him" a straight woman?"

A pre-op FtM transsexual has a woman's body, but is still male-identified. I know a gay FtM; he is still very much male. Just because a man is gay (whether he's in a male body or a female body) doesn't mean he's female, feminine, or effiminate; I've known some very masculine gay men.

"My wife is 5'2" so this does not exactly conjure up images of a man."

I've found that one of the biggest aids in a relationship with a multiple is being able to look past the physical. It helps that I'm friends with homosexuals and transgendered people; I'm used to paying more attention to spirit/mind/identity than to the physical body. I'm also good at picking up on subtle mannerisms and vocal inflection; it helps in differentiating between different people in a body.

[mirrorbrothers.livejournal.com]

What is my relationship to this other?

It could be almost anything. Why don't you ask him? Or your SO, if he's not available. He could consider himself to be, or want to be, in a relationship with you; he could consider you a close friend but nothing romantic; he could think of you as the guy dating his sister, or his best friend, or his girlfriend, or his roommate; he might have no interest in you at all.

I can tell you that chances are good you've met him without realizing it. Odds are very good that he knows you, whether directly, from looking over your SO's shoulder, or from what she's told him about you. But as to exactly what the relationship is, no one out here can tell you.

Johnny

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

I know you said you were looking to talk to SO's of households, but we're also available to talk whenever..
aol:Phyresong
yahoo:Gryphonsinger

[rainbowthespian.livejournal.com]

I am the partner of a system that's just coming out to meet me.

There are kids of all ages as well as adults that cope with the world in creative and sometimes difficult ways.

I'm not online a lot but you can IM me (astoriaunt) and good luck!

[vox-vocis-vita.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm not a multiple, but I'm not really a singlet either, what with being a soulbonder and all, but I'd say I'm more singlet than multiple. And my husband is a multiple. If you wanna chat, I'm free almost all the time.

AIM: makokittie666
Yahoo: evil_chibi_mage
MSN: serenity_star@msn.com

I'm always set to invisible on yahoo, so if you try that, just send an offline message and I'll more than likely be here to get it.

[tana-seonaid.livejournal.com]

I am in the same position as you. I have two lovers who share one body -- and there is also a Bear spirit who resides there. I am romantically and sexually involved with the men, and very fond of the Bear.

There used to be four others in the system, but Leon and Lugh absorbed them (with their consent) several months ago.

Because of the stigmas around being multiple, their condition is not something I can talk about with most people in my life (although a couple of my closest friends, my sister, and my child all know), so this journal is where I share about what it's like. You're welcome to friend me -- although you should be warned that I also tend to be explicit about our sexual life.

I'd be happy to get to know you better and talk about this.

[ricktboy.livejournal.com]

I spoke to my husband, and he's consented to me giving you his email address and AIM info...

polymorphdreamer@gmail.com(best way to reach him)

biomorphdreamer is is AIM name.

his name is Jaysun, btw.

our contact info is packcollective@gmail.com and collective10in1 on AIM.

Rick
Pack Collective

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

multiplesos Multiple Significant Others
might also be helpful

[lgrau.livejournal.com]

I'll also suggest multiconnected.