first post to both Live Journal and to this group

[skylarksoaring.livejournal.com]

This is my first post to this group, as well as to Live Journal and I must confess to being a little bewildered. I've no clue as to what the protocols are or how people interact here.

I do have a specific question that I need help with, however, and would appreciate any advice or comments.

I have what used to be called polyfragmented high-functioning MPD, though the term these days is DID. Although I've been in therapy since I was 10 (I'm 66) and diagnosed correctly, finally, since 1989, I'm just now reaching the point where I can directly deal with some of what was possibly cult abuse that occurred between the ages of 3.75 and 7.5 years old.

All of the material I've read so far talks in terms of visual memories. I have no visual memories but experience the flashbacks of what happened to me kinesthetically. In fact there are no people at all in my memories before college. Only empty rooms, seen out of the corner of my eye. Are there any resources you suggest that might be helpful in dealing with this? I'm lucky enough to be working with a fabulous therapist - Dr. James Chu - so I do have primary support.

Comments

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

I doubt you're the only person. Initially (and even now) most of my traumatic memories have had no audio/visual. It's part of what makes them so bad, not having anything else to link them to, to be able to say "that happened there, not here."

[skylarksoaring.livejournal.com]

oh god yes! to not know who they were and what they did exactly. i've experienced being in a tiny cage, being hog-tied, tied down, terror, screaming, crawling on floor trying to get away, trying to disappear - in a workshop once i tried to get behind a radiator - sense that fire is involved, and don't tell don't tell you'll go to hell don't tell. when i write poetry stuff like that comes out.

how did you get access to more than the kinesthetic? are there tools that can help?

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

TBH, a lot of what I have is just what I've managed to put together in my mind. I was plenty old enough to remember the layout of where I lived, and who did it. I don't know that I have any 'memories' of the visual/'movie' kind, more that I know the face and location to put to what I *do* remember.

I've never managed to see a shrink about this. All I've had is supportive friends. They're not really qualified to give me tools to help.