Lengthy Introductions
Aug. 17th, 2006 11:58 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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multiplicity_archivesHi. My name's Rob, and I've got another person living in my head.
I met Johnny when I was four. My word for him then was "imaginary friend," but I remember that I could never really "make up" what he thought or did. By high school, we were really close. I think I was fifteen when we adopted each other as brothers. I really think Johnny keeps me sane. I know I'm comforted by the constant presence, the knowledge that I'm never alone.
I spent a long time wondering if I was crazy, in some sense. I (or we) were always functional, so I knew I was sane in the sense that my brain worked, but at the same time, there was a voice in my head. I went on-line and looked up the official definition of DID, and decided I definitely didn't have it - no missing or repressed memories, no traumatic origin. At that point Johnny had never even taken control. Obviously I had something like that, but not pathological. In other words, my brain just worked differently, a fact that had been obvious in several unrelated ways for a long time.
Up till now, I've told exactly four people about Johnny. The first three were close friends at my old school. That went well enough, they were completely understanding, but it was embarrassing to talk about. I'm not sure why, but I never told them Johnny's name. The fourth was my best friend here at my new school. I told him I had another person in my head, and he said, "You too?"
That was quite an experience, for both of us. I'd never even imagined being able to really talk about this stuff, openly, with someone who would really understand. And for Johnny, there was a chance to make friendships of his own. The first time I watched him and Talon (one of my friend's two headmates) have an hours-long AIM conversation was one of the most wonderful and terrifying experiences of my life. (Terrifying because I realized that the person who knew things about me that no one else knew now could - and would - talk about them.)
And then last night my friend mentioned that there were on-line communities for people (groups of people) like us. I don't know why, but I was completely surprised. Stunned. Floored. There followed much eager web-surfing and reading, the two of us taking turns so we could stay awake longer. Eventually we ended up here. I'm... almost pathetically eager to talk to a whole group of, well, groups, to compare notes and stories and thoughts.
And this is Johnny. However eager Rob is to talk to people like him, he's got nothing on me.
The thing is, for most of my life I haven't been able to control the body. I grew up in the backseat, often watching and talking but never getting to do anything. We tried passing control to me, and it never worked. (I think we were trying too hard.) Rob's great, but I really wanted a life that was at least a little bit my own. But the only way I could communicate was by telling him what to say, which meant we would have had to be out to whoever I wanted to talk to. (It wouldn't have sounded anywhere close to natural.)
Except, I finally figured out, on the internet. No one would be able to tell that an on-line post had been typed slowly by a guy staring into space as he translated my thoughts into words. So for about a year I've had an online identity, with my own screen names and stuff. I say I'm Rob's ordinary little brother, and so I know lots of people who treat me as a completely separate person.
Ironically, the more we do this, the better I get at, uh, *looks up term* co-running. And something weird happened today, when we finally went to sleep - I had a nightmare, the first dream I've ever remembered as being clearly mine. Rob was in the dream, sort of, but he was the one watching and I was the one doing stuff. We're not sure, but we think that at one point Rob got up, went to the bathroom, and got back into bed, with me still asleep and nightmaring right through it.
I'm guessing there's people on this board who've been through learning how to front. Any advice or stories that would make this feel less like groping in the dark would be appreciated, thanks.
Rob, Johnny
I met Johnny when I was four. My word for him then was "imaginary friend," but I remember that I could never really "make up" what he thought or did. By high school, we were really close. I think I was fifteen when we adopted each other as brothers. I really think Johnny keeps me sane. I know I'm comforted by the constant presence, the knowledge that I'm never alone.
I spent a long time wondering if I was crazy, in some sense. I (or we) were always functional, so I knew I was sane in the sense that my brain worked, but at the same time, there was a voice in my head. I went on-line and looked up the official definition of DID, and decided I definitely didn't have it - no missing or repressed memories, no traumatic origin. At that point Johnny had never even taken control. Obviously I had something like that, but not pathological. In other words, my brain just worked differently, a fact that had been obvious in several unrelated ways for a long time.
Up till now, I've told exactly four people about Johnny. The first three were close friends at my old school. That went well enough, they were completely understanding, but it was embarrassing to talk about. I'm not sure why, but I never told them Johnny's name. The fourth was my best friend here at my new school. I told him I had another person in my head, and he said, "You too?"
That was quite an experience, for both of us. I'd never even imagined being able to really talk about this stuff, openly, with someone who would really understand. And for Johnny, there was a chance to make friendships of his own. The first time I watched him and Talon (one of my friend's two headmates) have an hours-long AIM conversation was one of the most wonderful and terrifying experiences of my life. (Terrifying because I realized that the person who knew things about me that no one else knew now could - and would - talk about them.)
And then last night my friend mentioned that there were on-line communities for people (groups of people) like us. I don't know why, but I was completely surprised. Stunned. Floored. There followed much eager web-surfing and reading, the two of us taking turns so we could stay awake longer. Eventually we ended up here. I'm... almost pathetically eager to talk to a whole group of, well, groups, to compare notes and stories and thoughts.
And this is Johnny. However eager Rob is to talk to people like him, he's got nothing on me.
The thing is, for most of my life I haven't been able to control the body. I grew up in the backseat, often watching and talking but never getting to do anything. We tried passing control to me, and it never worked. (I think we were trying too hard.) Rob's great, but I really wanted a life that was at least a little bit my own. But the only way I could communicate was by telling him what to say, which meant we would have had to be out to whoever I wanted to talk to. (It wouldn't have sounded anywhere close to natural.)
Except, I finally figured out, on the internet. No one would be able to tell that an on-line post had been typed slowly by a guy staring into space as he translated my thoughts into words. So for about a year I've had an online identity, with my own screen names and stuff. I say I'm Rob's ordinary little brother, and so I know lots of people who treat me as a completely separate person.
Ironically, the more we do this, the better I get at, uh, *looks up term* co-running. And something weird happened today, when we finally went to sleep - I had a nightmare, the first dream I've ever remembered as being clearly mine. Rob was in the dream, sort of, but he was the one watching and I was the one doing stuff. We're not sure, but we think that at one point Rob got up, went to the bathroom, and got back into bed, with me still asleep and nightmaring right through it.
I'm guessing there's people on this board who've been through learning how to front. Any advice or stories that would make this feel less like groping in the dark would be appreciated, thanks.
Rob, Johnny
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no subject
Date: 2006-08-18 04:33 am (UTC)Terribly OT but i have to comment
Date: 2006-08-18 05:43 am (UTC)Re: Terribly OT but i have to comment
Date: 2006-08-18 01:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-18 05:12 am (UTC)but i really really really like online cos i can talk and have frends and it dosent matter i dont talk mouths and no one yells at me cos the mouth dosent work.
i spent a lot of time watching to. but i was out for some bad stuff when we were kids. and i was out a lot when the body was 11. its fun to be out here cos i can have frends out here.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-18 05:47 am (UTC)I know what you mean about not being able to say what you want, though. So far, Rob can always take over the body whenever he wants, so it's an issue. We had an argument about that the first time I talked to Talon - I had to remind Rob, uh, loudly, that if I couldn't say what I wanted my friendships didn't mean anything.
To be fair, what he wanted to say was personal and about me.
See what I mean? And anyway, it turned out they already knew.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-18 03:56 pm (UTC)you can both have the body when you want. you have to share it tho. but if you tell his secrets he will tell yours to.
you dont have to get along all the time tho. my sister and me fight sometimes. cos shes 3 and she gets all the attention.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-18 05:47 am (UTC)The only thing I could reccomend from watching and talking to them would be just relax and take it slowly. If you go too fast or push too hard you'll force it and that could strain you both.
Either way you have my support and you both sound very fun and interesting. Would you mind if I perhaps friended you guys?
no subject
Date: 2006-08-18 06:04 am (UTC)And as to pushing too hard, we already gave that up just cause it didn't work. My first attempts to step back and let Johnny front were a bit like pushing on a door you're supposed to pull. But when I start typing for him, he can sort of gradually creep forward, and now that we know what it's like we can kinda do it other times, too.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-18 03:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-18 08:18 am (UTC)The internet has really helped us communicate. I can talk, but... I'm rather male, in a female body and it just doesn't sound right to me most of the time. But this way, I can have friends of my own that know my name and "sound" of my voice.
I have found though, that as far as fronting, a lot of it is personal on what works or what doesn't.
If you have favorite music, or clothes or things like that it helps to be around them. For me personally, fronting alone happens when my SO is out and with me.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-18 08:56 am (UTC)My daughter, who's almost 17 now, figured out what was going on when she was 6, but didn't ask directly till she was 13, at which time I told her the truth. She took it in stride - after all, nothing was any different from how it'd always been, just she had a little more information - and has good relationships with both her 'uncles', although neither of them spend much time with her. Our housemate
Kír had a hard time learning to 'front'. For many years he wouldn't do it at all; then when he started, he had a lot of difficulty: pain, fatigue, disorientation, lack of coordination, and what he calls "dismay" at being in the 'wrong body'. None of that has exactly worn off, but it's gotten better - he can now stay 'up' for a full day and not be too trashed, especially if he doesn't have to move around much. This is a good thing, because I hate having to play Translator Bot. I'm willing to do it to a certain extent so Kír can take part in conversations I'm having, but for his own conversations he needs to speak for himself. We work pretty diligently at respecting each other's boundaries, privacy and right to autonomy even in matters where we disagree - it takes a lot of work to live peacefully in such close quarters, but we manage all right.
Crist-Erui's another matter. He doesn't really seem to acknowledge any sort of boundaries, his own or anyone else's, and he's the strongest of us in corporeality - he can be 'front' any time he wants, in a heartbeat, without any apparent effort, and stay up as long as he wants. He and Kír have had some pretty epic conflicts about this over the years, but they have it fairly well worked out now - Crist-Erui's gotten a lot more responsible, and will usually heed Kír's word (even though he may complain about it); Kír's gotten a lot more relaxed, and doesn't try to control Crist-Erui so much.
Being 'out' to my close friends has helped me quite a bit, because I no longer have to be so careful of what I say, or cover so much for times when Crist-Erui's agenda over-rides mine. It's still a little awkward, though, because singletons have a tendency to assume that just because I'm the one they know, I must be the 'main one', and therefore am, or should be, in control of my brothers. Which is not the case, and has never been the case, but telling people isn't practical, because it just sounds like a lame excuse. "Sorry I'm late; one of the other people who share this body with me wouldn't get out of the shower till the hot water ran out, then we had a dispute about what to wear"... yeah right... so I don't tell them that. It's far better to be viewed as somewhat flaky and unreliable than to be viewed as either seriously mentally ill or a lying attention-whore - even people who know and love Crist-Erui probably can't imagine what an ongoing daily chore it is to try to get him to cooperate in living a reasonably normal life, and would think I was exaggerating.
This is getting too long, but anyway, welcome again; I'm glad you found this community, and hope you'll both enjoy it here!
no subject
Date: 2006-08-18 09:40 am (UTC)How many times we were late catching the bus to school or to a function the family wanted us on time for, for this very reason... Nostalgia at its most amusing.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-18 03:37 pm (UTC)i'm becky, "just a singlette". i really loved reading your stories. i'm so glad you guys found another multiple, glad Johnny can finally branch out and have his own life. congratulations on having your own dream! welcome to the community and i hope you learn a whole lot! some people in this community are just amazing. i think you'll like it here :)
no subject
Date: 2006-08-18 04:27 pm (UTC)Like you two, Annabelle came when Ash was young and was someone to talk to on the inside. She didn't start trying to control the body until their late teens and it took a while to get a hang of it. Practice makes perfect and all that jazz. There's no abuse for either of them, and while memories of what happened while the other was "up" may be a bit foggy or unclear as to details, they are still there.
They share dreams sometimes, or one will start dreaming and the other will take over the dream. It's quite common for one of them to be asleep while the other is awake and doing things.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-18 09:53 pm (UTC)i started the same way with julian. since i was a kid. the others began to come out slowly as i got older and older. not that im old. ;) hope everything goes well for you. if youd like a friend, you have one. (make that four heh)
j. _jules. KaiKai. & Adrian.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-18 10:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-18 10:28 pm (UTC)things worked out kind of like that for us too.. just.. open.. nothing really..happened, it was just always like that. its very nice to meet you. we'd like to talk at some point, i think that'd be cool, and everything.
our AIM is star solarium, (with the space >> ), if you would ever like to.
-luke