(no subject)

[free-agents.livejournal.com]

I would like some advice, and suggestions of where to look for it would be as welcome as direct advice itself.

I'm currently in a relationship with a person in another system, and we're going through a longer period of not being able to see one another than we have before. I just recently purchased a book called 'Loving your long-distance relationship' since that seems to sum it up well, even though it's not physical distance that seperates us, but I wanted to get advice from actual people as well.

The problem with finding a long-distance relationship comm and asking there is that... I doubt anyone will understand our situation to be able to give practical advice.

Has anyone else gone through the same thing? He's part of a much larger system, and one of the main people who front in it has added someone to their relationship, and working with that seems to have priority right now. I don't have any problem with that, but I don't want to totally collapse into a self-pity ball either, so any advice would be more than welcome.

I am totally interested in, and devoted to him and am just interested in ways to keep from sabatoging the relationship through my own insecurities when I don't really have direct access to him.

Comments

[catskillmarina.livejournal.com]

You might want to check out the communities on long distance relationships but there is one truth that is lingering in my
mind right now about this issue.


Many people feel that love is an emotion. It is not, passion or liking
are emotions. Love is a commitment or if an emotion a meta-emotion.
No matter now attractive or interesting a person is - you will tire of
them after you have satisfied yourself with sex, and you will tire
eventually of anyone's company occasionally. Love is above all those
things it is more a committment than an emotion.

Relationships built on emotions inevitably fail because the person
stops feeling their emotion, which is natural. Relationships built
on the committment of love last.

[free-agents.livejournal.com]

I... yes, I agree with that, definately. And I believe that we have the commitment of love, or I don't think I'd be driving myself nuts over this. It's something that I absolutely refuse to write off.

My 2c, take it or leave it...

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

We met our current partner& on the Internet and now live with them. So yes, long-distance relationships can work out long-term, probably in about the same percentage as any other type of relationship; the major drawback is that there are some ways in which people can more easily screw you over (it's easier, for instance, to avoid people online, by claiming computer crash or "I didn't see your message" or so forth).

What concerns me is what you said about "He's part of a much larger system, and one of the main people who front in it has added someone to their relationship, and working with that seems to have priority right now." Are the other people in the system dating someone else offline? We had one experience with someone in this house trying to maintain a long-distance relationship with someone in another house, and the problem was, the "main" fronter in that system ended up in an offline relationship while all this was going on. The woman he dated offline was extremely manipulating and controlling, started to claim she was multiple when she found out about him and tried to pair all of her "people" with his, and was offended by the fact that someone in his house was dating someone in ours, so that largely killed the relationship. (Interestingly, this woman was such a control freak that she was offended by the idea of them starting the relationship up again even after she had dumped him.)

My personal preference is to not want to "share" the person I'm dating with anyone, but I think it's exponentially worse if you're online and the other person they're dating is offline, because the offline partner will get the bulk of their attention most of the time.
Personally, I think you can stick with it, but... if you feel you're not being given enough time or affection, it may not be self-pity or insecurity sabotaging you; it may be a real thing. Just my 2c. We don't have the best track record with such relationships.

Re: My 2c, take it or leave it...

[free-agents.livejournal.com]

This is where it gets complicated, actually. Physically... it's not a long distance relationship at all. Each of our systems actually live together, and one of my system, and one of theirs are dating as well. The complication arises with the fact that that dating pair has added a third, who is a singlet.

And since that relationship is newer than ours, it does get the most time/attention. It's also kept the person involved in the relationship as the main fronter, which is why I have started to treat my relationship as a long distance one.

It's not his fault that I cannot see him every time that I want to, there is a real barrier, as real as thousands of miles is. Not to mention his system is substantially larger than my own, and I can't argue with any of them having time out as well.

I just... am looking for a good way to help deal with missing him, but if I said half of this to a Long-Distance Relationship community or something, I think no one would respond...

Re: My 2c, take it or leave it...

[shandra.livejournal.com]

Can you not set aside at least one hour a week (or every other week) that are for sure yours, and then work with him to see if he can't get used to fronting during that time? (Play his favourite music, serve his fav meal, etc.) 'Cause it seems to me that if you had a set date time that would go a loooong way towards lowering the anxiety/missing problem.

If it has to be over the dishes, then it does. I mean who's going to object to you two getting your relationship time if you're also doing housework! :P :)

Aside from the fronting barrier, if this were *any* poly relationship I myself would say: you don't put existing relationships *completely* on hold just 'cause a new one is glitzy NRE filled gorgeous fun. Sure, things shift a bit but you -need- the connection time, even if it's just a check in. IMO.

Otherwise... paper love letters? Notes on the fridge?

Re: My 2c, take it or leave it...

[free-agents.livejournal.com]

I may not be representing it well. For one thing, at the beginning they actually asked me about it, and I definately understood that with a Singlet they needed some time to get settled in with him. And I don't think it's so much that they hogging the time, as... when they're around the new relationship, there's much less switching, and it's naturally just one person fronting.

My partner doesn't usually front much.

As to the love letters though... ~blush~ I've been writing one, I just need to finish it and... address it to him?

Housework though... hmmm...

Re: My 2c, take it or leave it...

[shandra.livejournal.com]

I sort of got that from your post. Someone in my system has had a relationship for years with someone who sort of goes through periods where it's hard for him to be around, and they always reconnect when he's back. And that's fine.

At the same time it might not *have* to be that way.

I guess for me it's sort of like "begin as you mean to go on" - yes, it's a new relationship. To me (opinion only!) that doesn't mean it automatically trumps yours. If it were me, I'd really want to work as quickly as possible towards making at least some relationship time possible, even if it means slogging through times when he can't front even though you're waiting, etc. etc.

Re: My 2c, take it or leave it...

[free-agents.livejournal.com]

Yeah... it's hard for me sometimes, because I'm not as confident about some things, and the possibility of waiting and having him not show is daunting... but it means work on my end, so I'll have to try that.

Thank you.

Re: My 2c, take it or leave it...

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

It's also kept the person involved in the relationship as the main fronter, which is why I have started to treat my relationship as a long distance one.

Wow. That's... yeah, a difficult situation to deal with. Reasons like this are also why I don't do well with relationships where multiple physical bodies are involved, because it's very, very hard to treat everyone equally. One partner is always getting more attention; it's hard to keep people from occasionally having a "third wheel" feeling.

In the case of the relationship we mentioned earlier, the "other woman" was not only jealous, but had insane double standards. She'd cheat on her partner to spite him, and then claim that "the others" (in her alleged system) were doing it, because "their needs weren't being fulfilled." Yet if the guy in her partner's system who had been dating one of us before she came along showed too many signs of still caring for us, she'd get upset. So it got very difficult to contact him, almost impossible at times, even online. We missed him very often. We never really found anything to help us with that, but eventually, we were so put off by his never being around that we finally went elsewhere.

I hope you can find some way to make it work for you, but there's some benefit in knowing when to cut your losses. It sounds like he could be a more reasonable person than the woman I was describing.

Re: My 2c, take it or leave it...

[free-agents.livejournal.com]

He is... all of them are really reasonable. And honest, most of all. There isn't cheating on this, and... it's just a difficulty to work through I guess.

I'm sorry to hear that you had such a rough relationship before... those are tough, both during, and to get over.

[tana-seonaid.livejournal.com]

Perhaps rather than look at "long distance" relationships, you look at polyamorous relationships?

I'm in a long-distance and poly relationship with the two primary members of a system. My lover(s) are married to a woman who is also a multiple. I'm a singularity who lives several states away.

Fortunately, my lovers and I do a lot of writing, but on a day-to-day basis I need to be very conscious of the fact that they are also emotionally involved with several others: the members of their wife's system.

It's hard not to feel jealous sometimes, but I'm also aware that their wife's system feels some jealousy of me because of the intensity of our relationship.

There is no one answer, but we do talk about communication, time, and balance. I just told them that I would like "date" time on a regular basis, when we set aside time for internet chat or a phone call, just as if we were in the same city and making plans to go out together. Maybe you could talk to your SO and the other members of his system about dedicated date time? That might alleviate some of the stress and insecurity about not knowing when you'd get time with him. It also gives him and his system a chance to demonstrate your value to them by making and keeping commitments like that.

Good luck!

[free-agents.livejournal.com]

That... sounds like a very good idea, thank you.

Thank you to everyone for suggestions and support, I'm still so surprised to find my problems worthwhile enough for so many people that don't know me to take seriously. It means a lot.