dissoication and kids

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

My therapist thinks I should put Kieriana in day care and Orion in school. Or at least just Kieriana in day care since Orion can take care of himself most of the time. Why? Because I finally admitted to her that I've been disociating lot. I go through these phases where I just sit or stand there, almost unable to do anything. Just sort of zoning. Sometimes I can talk and move about but it's as if the light is on and no one is home. I start to feel like I'm on auto pilot and can't turn it off. I get all numb and whatnot. Hard to describe really.

Anyways, she's afraid that the kids' safety may be in jeapardy because of this. To be honest, the only time it has ever gotten really bad, that I can remember anyways, was when some adult was around. I'm usually pretty aware of what's going on around me. I just can't really do much about it.

I don't know what to think. I'm so adament about homeschooling Orion. Not to mention that we just can't afford daycare (it would be either day care or eating. hmmmm...tough choice! lol). But my therapist did say, "Better in day care than foster care." Has me kind of freaked out. I mean, is she starting to think that I can't care for my own kids???

I'm still able to be good parent. I'm just not consistent in my personality and mannerisms. Sometimes I dissociate or view the world differently. Oh well. That's part of me. And the kids have always been fine.

I just don't know what to think...

(X-posted)

Comments

[msbyn.livejournal.com]

I tend to stay very "present" myself until my Dh is around and I know its safe. I think you're the best judge of your situation, and whether or not its "safe" for your child. I've been homeschooling for nine years... sometimes more present than others...

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

That's just it, I really don't feel that they're in any danger. There was one time where I dissociated really bad when there wasn't another adult in the house and my son was able to take care of himself and the baby (he made himself something to eat, made the baby a bottle, and took something away from her before she could put it in her mouth). When the baby started to cry I snapped out of it (she needed a diaper change).

[pengke.livejournal.com]

You could check out some resources or legal advice on parenting with epilepsy.

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

I don't have epilepsy...

[appadil.livejournal.com]

I think that the implication was that the resources for epileptic parents might be similar to what you need, since they would also have to deal with periods of time where they aren't able to respond to the environment around them. The underlying causes are different, but the strategies and legal options that work for them might still be valuable in your situation.

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

Cool, I'll take a look then.

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

The question to me is of whether you would be able to help the children if there was an emergency-- would you be able to evacuate them if there were a fire, take care of them if they were sick or injured, etc. Beyond that, I'd agree with pengke's advice; some forms of epilepsy cause very similar symptoms to that.

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

I think I would. The one time I can remember dissociating when there was no other adult in the house I snapped out of it when the baby started crying for a diaper change. Everything else my son sort of just took care of (which is unusual for him...he must've sensed that I wasn't able to for some reason).

[ques-nova.livejournal.com]

I'd stop seeing her. Find a different shrink if need be, but that would make me too uncomfortable to continue seeing her.

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

That's the problem though. I love seeing her. She is very comfortable with the others in my system, refers to our system as a "family", and isn't a big fan of forced integration. The only other time she was like this was when my bipolar was getting really bad and she felt I should go on meds. I eventually gave in when I felt that my hallucinations were causing problems with my abiliy to parent.

I took it to mean that she was just concerned for my children's wellbeing and was trying to look out for their best interest...even if I don't agree with what she said.

[catskillmarina.livejournal.com]

I think that people put too much of an emphasis on school as a place
to socialize kids. That is the main argument against home-schooling.

I dearly wish i had been home schooled. I would have avoided years
of bullying. I was reading at a college level very early so being in
a school being spoon-fed boring stuff slowly while being bullied was
very bad for me.

Is my bitterness towards the school system showing through ?

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

lol I'm not worried about socialization too much. He gets a lot of that as is. More probably than he would at school with all the homeschool groups we're in, karate, gymnastics, and 4H

[ques-nova.livejournal.com]

Maybe it was just me, but the way it sounded was too threatening for my tastes. I'm very much of the opinion that if the shrink doesn't do what it is I want of them, I find another. I spent a few years being a guinea pig for a number of shrinks when I couldn't say no because of my age, now that I'm an adult and able to make these decisions on my own, I don't take any crap from them.
Like I said though, maybe it's just me. Maybe it doesn't sound that way to others or maybe that's not how she meant it.

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

It felt like a threat but I'm not sure. I really don't want to use someone else because she's been so helpful and I would hate to have to start over. I think I'll talk to her when I see her again to make sure though. If it is a threat...well I don't know then.

[chaostiny.livejournal.com]

My system seemed to be aware that no matter what, the kids came first. If another adult was around, I would dissociate a lot more but if it was just me and the kids, even if I dissociated, someone was always keeping watch so as to bring me back if necessary. Maybe you have some sort of safeguard built in to your system... if not and if you are worried, maybe you could add a safeguard like that. Also, as was already stated, you are the best judge of whether you can parent, so please don't let your shrink get you to second guess yourself.

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

My system is the same way. The children tend to be viewed by the others as "body obligations" and therefore are of utmost importance.

Usually if someone else is out and there is a problem with the children I snap back to the front real quick. I'm the mommy of my system so to speak. The only time I remember dissociating (where no one is fronting) I snapped out of it when the baby started to cry for a diaper change (my son took care of feeding her and himself and entertaining her and whatnot).

*sigh* I feel I can parent well, even with my episodes. I feel that the others in my system also do a good job with the kids. I never would've thought of the children being in danger until my therapist brought it up.

[chaostiny.livejournal.com]

Then, if YOU have faith in, not only your system but also yourself... Don't worry about what your therapist says. I know almost 30 multiples and of the 22 that have kids, ALL of them are fine. My son "took care" of his baby sister more than once but when something needed Mommy attention, I was always able to come back and do it. If you aren't hurting them and they are happy and you feel like you are a good parent, then chances are you are right and you don't need to think anything else.
But... if you ever feel like you have done something wrong to one of your kids, don't be afraid to get help so you don't do it again.

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

*nods* It's for the safety of my kids that I went on meds. The derealization and hallucinations (from manic periods of biploar) really started to freak me out. When I looked at my daughter and thought she was a deamon I knew it was time for meds.

But with this...I don't know. I've always snapped out of it. I don't feel that my kids are in any danger. But she has me a little freaked out I guess. *sigh*

[chaostiny.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you know when to get the help you need. I am bipolar as well as multiple also and I wish I would have gone on meds when my kids were little. You seem like you are wise enough to do a great job taking care of your kids.
I really want to reasure you about that... you are smart enough AND loving enough to do what you need to do for your kids.

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

Thanks luv. *hugs* I do feel like I'm safe right now and I'm not too worried. A little but only because of the stuff my therapist said. I wouldn't have given it another thought had it not been for that, I've gotten that used to dissociating.

[rookguard.livejournal.com]

You don't actually need to answer this, its just something to think about, really, but are you undergoing therapy just for dissociative disorder(s), or for anxiety and/or depression as well? Because I've found that most of our episodes of depersonalization or derealization (sounds like what you're describing) seem to arise from periods of stress or depression more often than from any effect of our plurality.

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

I'm going for DID and bipolar. I'm not depressed right now. If anything I'm a little manic. I tend to go through derealization when manic or dissociate when either manic or depressed. It's as if there isn't anyone fronting. I withdraw into myself involuntarily and no one comes to the front to take over. Kind of like switching without the switch (hope that made sense). lol

[enchanting-ella.livejournal.com]

hi. not multiple, (don' think althought my partner wonders and he is) he has 14 alters. i have only seen him disassociate once and was easy to get him focused again.
am also in the health field, and if she/he is a qualifies therapist you records must remain comnfidentail, and she can only report to authorities if she feels the kids are in real and immediate mortal danger. i read it as almost a threat but then you may have been a little sensitive to her comments due to your own worry.
is there no way of gettiung church/local govt support creche on board that is free or really cheap. there are also places theat are ment to offer support services for this.
the other question to ask your self, although y9u desperatly want to home school it may be benefical at times to have the school system on your side to send them of respite as it were. having children 24 hours a day 7 days a week is not an easy task and then teaching them on top of that is a huge challenge.
it may be you need to take some you time and recharge, a little time in a school shouldnt hurt and would open the whole friends and sports things and give you some time to your self....i would look at a new theripist oif this one is concerning you. she needs to be on your side and offering realisitc optuions not threats and judgeing you parenting skills from admittting you are losing time.
alot will depend on how long the times are and how safe you and your partner (if you have one) feel the children are during those times. only the two of you can answer that. but be hoinest and stay true to your beliefs.

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

While I have the same reasons for homeschooling as most, I don't only homeschool for those reasons. I'm TERRIFIED of sending my children to school because I was sexually abused by a teacher in elementary school. I know the chances of it happening are really rare but it's still too difficult.

My husband and I boh feel that the kids are safe. My therapist, IMO, is just voicing her concerns. She's actually a really good therapist and I would hate to have to start all over when I've been seeing her for a year now.

I think I'll talk to her about it at my next appt.

[msbyn.livejournal.com]

I homeschool for a TON of reasons... and on the thought you've originally posted here ~ when I brought upp sending the kids to school so that they wouldn't have to put up with my issues and stress from time to time (I was S.A. for the first 12 years and am just now actually dealing with it, so they have to deal with ME dealing with my issues when it floods over into "real life")

ANYWAY ~ My dh's comment was that sending them off to school would NOT be a benefit to them, as homeschooling is working wonders for them/us, AND, it would be such a huge setback for ME that the chances are, they'd have even less of a mother there to deal with their numerous concerns due to being in school.

Your children are still plenty young enough taht you don't even have to worry much about the "teaching" so I wouldn't stress it. All they need is a mom that reads to them and spends time observing things and they'll be fine.

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel. I've just been dealing with my SA issues for the past year.

My son is severely ADHD and he does really well with the lessons I make up for him (some days when we aren't doing lessons he actually asks for them). Though I can't picture him doing as well in a classroom.

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

That is one very good reason why it might not be in his best interests if he did go into school. Schools (unless they have excellent teachers and a low student to staff ratio) just don't have the resources or the knowledge to deal with kids who have special needs, either attention or learning differences.

My mum's a teacher, and though her school is a good one and the teachers try their best, their classes are big and the school is underfunded, and the kids with special needs just don't end up with the one on one or small group education that would benefit them more than a large class.

If your son is learning with home schooling, and is having plenty of socialisation outside the home, he sounds like he's doing well with the current arrangement.

Also, how is it going to affect your emotional health if suddenly both your kids are out of home for a good part of the day, when you're used to having them with you?

Depersonalisation and derealisation are things I've had in the past, and I've found they were worst when I was on too high a dose of anti-depressant, and when I was stressed.

For me, I found that getting off that particular drug worked wonders. But it was also a big struggle to get used to staying 'focussed' on the world around me when the thoughts in my head were louder. It *is* something you can work through though. Since weaning off that other drug, I've only had one short stint on a low dose drug (for anxiety, during a stressful period). I'm interacting more with the world, and I don't drift off anywhere near as much as I used to.

[enchanting-ella.livejournal.com]

sorry to hear about your school experience. my partner had that but at intermediate school
it is hard sometimes when feeling sensitive to be objective, if you have been with this theripist for over a year and it is generally going well you could voice your concerns and tell her how it made you feel.
if i could tolerate my kids i would home school as one is not doing as well as i would like, but getting a teacher to do anything about it is near impossible.
i dont envy you your choices and hope it all gos well. ever want to chat you know where i am. :-)

[shandra.livejournal.com]

I'm going to have to go a different way from a lot of these posts.

I want to say to you that I feel sure you have the capacity to be an excellent parent. From what you've written it sounds to me like you have a great therapist who is willing to bring up hard shit in order to talk about protecting your kids, rather than pussyfooting around you, and that you were willing to listen to her just shows that you have it together too in your therapy, and good for you.

I couldn't possibly say what is best for your kids and I don't think your therapist can either. And I applaud you for wondering about it. I am a multiple and a parent and I am wondering a lot of the same things. I am going to assume from all that that you're right and there is no *physical* danger. If there were you would deal with it.

My husband was raised by a multiple and it *is* hard on the kids when you are dissociating. (I'm not talking about switching or having different people around, I'm talking about numb/not present/staring off into space.)

It's not AWFUL, not EVIL, not even BAD PARENTING - just hard. He was the eldest and he felt from a very early age that it was his responsibility to take care of the other kids when his mom was "spacy."

I do think you need to work on it. Both for your kids and for you, so you don't feel like you spent time in the fog and also so you know you were there as much as possible for them. I don't think the answer is "day care! school! Panic! Freak out! Bad mother!" NOT AT ALL.

But I think for me the question is what supports would help you to move away from dissociating. Is that a bit of a "time off" through a preschool or something, or is it something else entirely?

So I guess my suggestion is really think through it and really keep talking to your therapist about it, but don't feel you have to make some huge change in direction about where your kids are. Maybe more about how to be there more yourself. I hope that is helpful. Good luck. :)

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

Thank you hon. It's warming to know that I'm not being a bad parent because I'm sometimes just not there (and when no one is there).

I'm trying to learn ways to stay present when I'm the only adult in the house. Things like focusing on an object. Counting everything I see that is blue, etc. Talking, even if just to myself. Things like that which help keep me in the here and now.

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

That's good. That's the sort of thing I meant by what I said up there a few posts. It's tough, trying to focus when you're so used to just drifting away without noticing, but it *does* get easier.

[aquilawolf.livejournal.com]

I agree with Shandra's post. I grew up with a mother who was schizophrenic and when she was not available (not responding) it did make things hard. Children do though have natural skills to take care of younger ones. My older sister took care of me a lot when my mother couldn't, but when my sister was away at school and I was alone with my mom, if she was in some inner space and not responsive to me it was emotionally difficult.

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

Oh I wish I didn't dissociate because I don't want this to be difficult on them. My son has gotten into the habit of holding my cheeks and saying things like, "Mommy, where are you?" He's 5! Kind of makes me wonder how much he knows.

[aquilawolf.livejournal.com]

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. The more you are there for you the more you will be there for your children. Sending loving thoughts your way.