lookit the drama queen cry ;__;

[myorp.livejournal.com]

'm having a bad week i think... maybe some of you will understand... this is pretty much crossposted from my journal... sorry if i'm not s'posed to do that but no one seems to read my journal.

generally had bad work things all week...

then yesterday was the worst fourth of july i ever had. it was my day off... and then gilia leaves our system because she hurt me and our online friend fareme and some other people too. and i told her not to interfere and come between me and my friends again so she decided i'd be better off without her...

i feel horrible about that. its like she left because i got mad at her but she was so kind about it... all she ever wanted to do was help me and my friends... and then she overreacts because fareme gets mad and i get mad... so she just leaves. i feel bad. she was the one of the two first multiples... and now there's this empty part of my head where her part of our world used to be... her house in the woods... it just disapeared when she left... and there was this gap thing that... i dunno... we left room for her if she comes back but i'm afraid she never will. she's gone forever i think and she was one of my four biggest heroes that i looked up to... and now i feel like moonlight is the only one i can talk to.

and on top of all that... yesterday i invited ryan to my family's little fourth of july thing where we watch all the cool fireworks... it would have been fun. but when i was walking around and talking to ryan and and told him about gilia leaving he said that he couldn't believe in all this stuff that goes on with me because 'Then you'd be as messed up as everyone else I ever knew and you can't be like that... so i really think that all of this stuff about multiples is just BS that you're making up to get attention..."

that really hurt. he's our only friend in this town and i trusted him with that because i thought he could understand. but maybe he's right. sometimes i think we're all just fake somehow even though i have no idea what would be real then. and he apparently didn't even think of how much more this hurts because of what happened with gilia that morning...

i just don't know. no one here understands me. not my family... they say i'm demonically opressed. not ryan... he thinks i'm a super-drama queen. not my counselor... he thinks i'm creating all this to satisfy my imagination.

they don't understand that this is all i have to hold onto. i don't know any 'me' except for this. that's why i'm like this... because there is no 'me' but the 'us'. there hasn't been a single 'me' since sometime way back before highschool... i don't even know when. i just wish they could see that... that this is the only me there is and that i can't be the person they think or want me to be... because i can't just make us all go away, and i wouldn't want to if i could. i'm so tired of it all. everyone here thinking that i'm lying to myself when i say this is real. it hurts.

i think i might move out of town and stay with my friends shad and crystal down in branson. they understand us more than anyone else we've met except for coma and they said i could stay with them if i ever needed to. i hope my family isn't too upset... i guess i'll call shad tonite and see if there are any jobs down there.

i just wish i could live here with my family and that they could accept this a little. i love them all so much but none of them know who i am or will listen when i try to tell them.

Comments

[storyteller2001.livejournal.com]

hi myorp.

we're sorry to hear that things are being so hard for you right now. it really sucks to not have people around who love/care for/accept you for who you (all) are. if it helps at all, which it probably doesn't, from what your friend ryan said, it doesn't sound to us like him not believing you has anything to do with you or with reality at all. it's their own shit. basically, if you are who and what you are, s/he would have to alter their worldview to accept the fact that things are worse and they don't want to do that. so they are actively choosing to not believe you. which is extremely cruel and unfair to you. but, boiled down, has nothing at all to do with you.

and i know it can be really really hard when system people leave. i'm sorry to hear this happened with gilia. i hope she comes back if that's what's right for everyone. and if not, i hope that you all can come to terms with what happened and grieve your loss. and i hope that gilia will be ok too.

try and take care of yous.
storyteller

[myorp.livejournal.com]

this is the first time anyone has left. and she was one of the first two to be named and understood as personalities... so its really hard because of that...

and your right that ryan doesn't believe because it would tear down a part of what he needs to believe in. we're really important to him and he's had big problems with family and friends who suddenly seemed to become 'messed up' to his way of thinking almost directly in relation to abandoning him... even if it probably was just him getting past his usual idealism of everyone he meets and comes to care for.

he doesn't see reality so well so if a piece of it suddenly gets torn out of the place it seemed to be in for him then he suddenly doesn't know how to deal with it.

sorry

[coginthenose.livejournal.com]

I am not really sure what to say. It sounds like u are having a really hard time and no one beleives you. It sounds really hard. We had a T for a short while who did not beleive us it was not good. I am glad you have some support and maybe getting a little space will help
Angie

Re: sorry

[myorp.livejournal.com]

it is of the hard... but thank you for saying something even if you didn't know waht to say... its just nice sometimes to know that people care enough to read i think.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

"because 'Then you'd be as messed up as everyone else I ever knew and you can't be like that... so i really think that all of this stuff about multiples is just BS that you're making up to get attention...'"

Oh geeze... that is just the worst. This is why we don't disclose. The last thing you need is for someone you trusted to go south on you just when you needed them the most. The guy could have at least been sympathetic even if he didn't understand it.

Doesn't sound like your family are too hot, either... "demonically oppressed," what a concept. We usually try to respect everybody's religious beliefs, but not when they're used as blinders to avoid seeing what's really there.

Your previous posts have shown that you and your people need validation and aren't getting it in your immediate environment. Perhaps moving in with understanding friends and getting a job and feeling more independent is exactly what you need.

For the record, we don't think you're lying -- you sound so much like our college diaries, the "there is no me but us" part, and I went around denying it for eight years after that and trying to be One Person. And I just could not do it, because there was not just me, but us.

I'm really sorry about Gilia. Perhaps she's just left so you can see what life is like without her, so you'll appreciate her. We've heard of people in other systems doing that. Could you leave her a message?

[myorp.livejournal.com]

thank you for the vote of confidence... i doubt myself alot and the others almost as often. it helps when people tell me they think we're all real when i'm feeling like we aren't.

[qilora.livejournal.com]

ryan doesn't sound like he's being much of a friend right about now, eh?... i'd like to say "eh, don't bother, if folks talk to you like this, then good riddance!" but at the same time i know what it is like, to have a few people in you life (in my case, my little sisters) who really don't say the right thing all the times, and let ya down from time to time... i really don't know anything else about ryan other than what you quoted here, so he could be a really great person to you, and maybe that is why his being so cruel here is hurting so much... in *any* case, i'm really sorry to hear that he was such a poop-head...

as for gilia, man i know how you feel :-(
about 6 years ago, J told us that he was leaving... it wasn't warned or threatened... one day we were just driving down the road, and me (Julie) and J were talking about stuff and nonsense, and then it happened, he said "i think i need to leave"... he said that we were all very sick and unhappy, and there was a lot of healing that we needed to do (physically), but we were all so miserable in the body, most of us were spending our time just talking with J.... we weren't eating or sleeping right (because of our brain tumor), and we were about 40 lbs underweight, and J said "okay, this has to stop"....

talk about terrifying :-( i can even remember the point on rt. 35 where J broke the news to us.. which businesses were passing by, and the time of day.. i can remember his *exact* words.... "i'm sorry but i need to go away now"... "will you ever come back?".... "what's important is that you guys get better, so you focus on that for now"...

and then he was gone.
J had been a part of our household for what seeemed forever, and then poof he was gone... and i know exactly what you mean, that big empty place.... inside us, it seemed like i was sitting in a room that had always had all the windows open, and now someone had shut one and pulled the blinds... like all of a sudden it feels like there is "too much wall" where there used to be sky... it felt really strange.... and btw, no we didn't all bounce back from the tumor ;-) it still took another few years to get ourselves even approaching good health, we gained back our weight and then was *finally* diagnosed after an MRI found the lump...
we went onto Tegretal, and spent another year getting our communication-systems up and running ;-)
and *then* one day, we turn around, and there he was... smiling and beaming because he was so happy to be with us again... J came back....

situations *do* change.... because Gilia might be feeling that she needs to part ways with the rest of you, for now, i don't think that it necessarily means that she is gone for good... she might just need a little time to herself... or maybe she would just prefer it this way, and she might visit with the rest of you (who she is friends with), in the future, but might not live inside of your system, as she had it in the past... know what i mean?

i guess the point i am trying to make, is that i am not at all surprised to hear that you are grieving (i would be surprised to hear that you weren't!!)... but i don't want you to feel like you need to give up hope of ever having a reconcilliation with Gilia.... does that make sense?

hugs from us...
Julie / Julia / Jules / Juju

[myorp.livejournal.com]

yeah... ryan isn't a very good friend to me in some ways but he's all i have and doing things with him is better than sitting around at home all day. i have problems making friends because i don't have any ways to meet people. he's just the only one whose left over from highschool and was here when we withdrew from college.

i'm not sure about what you say about gilia coming back though. it seemed pretty permanent and her part of our world collapsed and almost disappeared entirely... i made sure to leave enough room if she came back but that space is so empty its almost like nothing /could/ exist there.

maybe its just that this is the first time we've had someone leave... maybe she will come back. but it doesn't seem like it and i still feel guilty and sad that she left.

i won't give up on the possibility... though i do wonder... did jay every come back?

[qilora.livejournal.com]

i know what you mean :-( J leaving us was one of the worst things we've ever witnessed, for all intents and purposes he "died"....

but yes, he *did* come back... again, this is just our case, and i don't know if it would apply to Gilia and your system... i just hope it helps your grieving, to know that its a possibility...

we lived without J for a few years, after he left, and then another year or so after we had started Tegretal... and then, he came back to us... he's actually married a few of us, on a bi-world ceremony about a year (and 2 months) ;-) ago... and he and Eve are expecting their first baby (a son) in September...

its weird to say, but i (Julie) don't think that any of this would have been possible if he hadn't left in the first place... a good many of us, in-house, had unhealthy relationships with him (we were too dependant on him), and none of us were spending much time up-front, doing anything *good* for the body... we weren't getting any help for our seizures, we weren't leaving a *very* abusive relationship, we weren't making any plans to get on our feet.. and we were rather scattered and disordered....

NOTE: we are *not* saying that you shouldn't feel bad about Gilia leaving (are you sick of hearing us say that?) ;-) J was gone for years, and it scared the hell out of us.... we really can feel for you ( as much as we strangers *can* feel for your situation)

as for your Ryan situation, we can definitely feel on that also ;-)
we are currently on disability, and our contact with the outside world is limited to our 3D bf (Aaron; who, btw, is not the most "present" bf we've had ;-)), a few mailing lists, and folks we meet online via LJ... we have managed to make a few friends in our bf's friends/family, but even those friendships are more "pleasant acquaintances" that we bump into from time to time, certainly no one we have any history with... all our old friends are basically gone from our life... in a few cases, we could pick up the fon, or hop on a plane and find our old-friends (the relationships never really ended), but seeing as *that* isn't going to happen anytime soon ;-) we're just living a bit of a solitary life for now...

and btw, if you ever feel like bullshitting and talking about the weather, feel free to drop us a line...

hugs
Julie & Juju

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

One of us leaving is one of the things that really scares me. I hope you find a way of dealing with it.