Introduction

[zephyrgrrl.livejournal.com]

I'm Carolyn.

So I go to my therapist whom I'm seeing for Bipolar and childhood abuse issues that have come up during classes (undergrad, senior, at 40 years old - Sociology but was Social Work) and I tell her how turbulant and labile I've been the last few weeks.


Conversation comes around to identifying an other. Ten years old about, and the counselor suspects that she came to the backseat when I'd decided in counseling to delve deeply into some issues of around that age. Only, I got sidetracked by school and depression and the other (whom I now call little Lyn or Sparklie) got pretty irate.

Sparklie doesn't talk, though she communicates via body sensations and art.

A couple of days go by and I find that Lyn is the snarky bitch who has been creating havoc for friends and family the last few weeks, since Sparklie got upset. Even now she's sneering and wants me to put her thoughts here, but I'm emphatically denying her. She's not very nice.

She /is/ a protector though, and kept us relatively safe in the teen years, using the bitchiness and wicked manipulation as a shield.

Anyway, tonight I was talking to someone (outside, friend online) and realized for the first time that not everyone talks to themselves in their heads. That old joke about "it's okay to talk to yourself as long as you don't answer" was always lost on me. I always answered myself. I thought other people did, too.

If I had any doubts before that it's not just me in here, they're pretty much gone now.

I don't know how other people think or live. My therapist wasn't surprised at the revelation, nor upset. She's very cool. She "normalized" it as much as the situation can be, explaining how it possibly came about and how we could go about things. Basically, to make sure everyone works together for a good life for the whole.

I'm still very weirded out. I don't even know who "I" is, at the moment.

Comments

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

I'm still very weirded out. I don't even know who "I" is, at the moment.

You're still the same person you were before you found out about the others. Or do you mean you're not sure who's at the front/in control? A lot of blending/blurring is possible at the front-- we've found that sometimes it's better just to roll with it and simply deal with whatever situations come your way, instead of being concerned with 'who am I right now.'

You mentioned Lyn actually used her 'bitchy' qualities to protect you when you were younger. Is it possible that she perceives threats to you now, from the friends and family she's been aggressive towards?

[zephyrgrrl.livejournal.com]

Not sure who is up front at the moment... to me it's kind of like a car, someone can be in the drivers seat and passenger seat and backseat, Little Lyn likes to backseat drive a lot. Lyn is often in the passenger seat. Yeah, she's perceived a lot of threats lately. By family and friends, which sucks.

I'm living on my own for the first time in my life, having gone from abusive father to abusive husband #1 then #2, then to Mom's house ... she's not really a perp but hasn't changed any of the patterns that were there that somewhat facilitated the abuse. So... that felt abusive.

Now it feels abusive because the family is complaining about how I should be ... X Y or Z. Working more, making more money, whatever.

[zephyrgrrl.livejournal.com]

I might try that. She's the artistic one already.

[confetti-girls.livejournal.com]

lots of hellos to little Lyn or Sparklie! I'm 10 too! =^..^= but I did not put the icon into this myself. hee someone else made it for me and will put it here. that is the icon that looks a little bit how I do. I like braids like that. p.s. write back

[zephyrgrrl.livejournal.com]

Hello and thank you!