so many things

[riagoose.livejournal.com]

so many things have happened lately and yet again I've convinced myself it wasn't real that none of it has happened.

I had a couple of things happen that have frightened the life out of me... I think I met two multiples...if that's what they are...in the last few weeks.

They are always doing things I wouldn't do or wouldn't want to do. I remember writing after the drive incident and remembering being hazily aware of all that happened. A multiple named 'Missy' took over and want sex really bad. I was only partially aware and watching, only I regained control in the middle because I didn't want to get caught.

Again at the band room I was aware for part of the event. I was with old friends and something happened to frighten me. I think it was just that my friends are old friends who had been around during the worst times. I hadn't seen them in a long time and they reminded me of things I had pushed away...chose to forget. All of a sudden I wasn't in control and whoever was took a knife and a cigarette and started cutting and burning my arm. I was only kind of aware for a little bit of time but then I lost control...lost time to the cutting and burning. I don't remember the whole event and only heard stories and have to nurse the scars.

What makes it so hard to cope with is I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to accept this, I'm not sure I can. I'm not ready to know there are more. At times I think instead of a multiple that I'm regressing into a child, but that makes no sense because there are two different ages and two definite personalities that go with them. Sometimes I think it's just scattered parts of me popping out. Sometimes I know it isn't me at all, but the realizations are so vague and hazy I have a hard time accepting. Sometimes I think I'm just out of control and losing my mind.

I guess I know too that nobody in my family will accept this as truth and so I carefully keep my concerns hidden. I feel like they would consider this all some sort of attention getting scheme. Sometimes in deepest denial I think that maybe this is all some sort of fairy tale I tell myself or share with only me. My family wouldn't believe any of this is possible and sometimes I want so badly to agree with them except that I know different. I want to agree because I don't want this infliction sometimes...this thing that I don't fully understand.

I wish I had the graces to accept and admit. I wish I knew if I should...if all of these things put together conclusively equal multiples. Why is it so hard to understand what's going on?

Comments

our thoughts

[kaleidescope.livejournal.com]

i think it's really cool that you are aware enough of who you are and who other people in there are that you can say that you know it's not you cause they have different personalities. it took me a long time to get to that point.

i think it's really natural to have a hard time accepting that you're multiple. it's so silenced in our world - it's not like you grow up hearing about the everyday experiences of people in multiple systems and then you can be like "oh, just like me!" i think you're doing good.

it sounds like it must be really hard to deal with. is there a way to communicate with other people in there and maybe talk about having ground rules that you all respect or something? like alternatives to self-injuring or only injuring in ways that are easier for other people in the system to deal with, or whatever?

btw they're people, not multiples :) i mean, a whole group of people in one body is a multiple. or you could say "i'm multiple" cause you share your body with others. but you wouldn't say, like, "i have multiples" or something cause that sounds like there should be some sort of ointment involved :)
i was confused at first cause you said you met two multiples and i thought you meant, like, other multiple systems!

[ninquelote.livejournal.com]

*puts on granny glasses and brings out a big plate of cookies*

Well dear, aside from kaleidoscope's comment on terms (I was going to say the same thing, but they beat me to it), Auntie Anthea says it sounds like you're scared half to death of your own people, if you are multiple. The problem is, if you don't feel you're ready to accept them yet, when will you be ready? They won't stop existing until you get more comfortable with the idea. The only way you will get comfortable with them is to talk to all of them and get to know them and find out who they are. Think of them as being people, just like you, who just happen to share the same body with you.

Do you know anything about Missy besides her name? Talk to her. Find out who the person is that cut you and talk to them and get to know them. Auntie Anthea says taking care of your body is important, for you and everyone else who shares it, because it's the only one you'll get, and everyone in the system should have some ground rules they agree on about personal safety. We can say from personal experience that some people will resort to acting out, in ways which may include harming the body, if they don't feel their existence is being validated or acknowledged, in an attempt to prove their reality to the person who considers saself to be the 'real' one.

Telling your family is not required. We live with family members half the year and none of them know that we're multiple. Even for those family members we're close to, we think they'd go into serious denial at the idea that someone in their own family could have this supposed 'illness.' That will remain the case for many systems until our society can accept plurality as a valid way of being.

Auntie Anthea thinks you should try to become more comfortable with your people. Try going out shopping or something and buying things for each of you (within financial reason) and spending an afternoon together like friends. If you're not comfortable with it, you need to find ways to become comfortable with it, because the other people aren't going to go away. Check out the Layman's guide at http://www.kitsune.cx/blackbirds/layman/layman.html and some of the writings on Pavilion, at http://www.tanuki.cx/pavilion if you want information on how other systems have learned to work together.

[whatitslike.livejournal.com]

I've been wanting and wanting to post an answer to this, but it all seems so complicated and confusing that I don't really know where to begin. You're having a really hard time, it seems like, and I'm so sorry for that; I relate to it too, though, because it took me years to accept my multiplicity and I spent lots of time struggling with the terms and the words and a lot of terror about what it would mean for me.

So breathe deep. You're going to be all right. You're having a hard time right now; you're confused and you're scared and you're not ready. It's fine not to be ready! You're trying to understand an experience that most people don't live with, and it's very difficult. It's probably hard to understand because its meant to be; most people (not all) who are multiple have used multiplicity as a defense mechanism, and if you don't know what's going on that's because the defense mechanism is still working to keep you in the dark.

So how do you figure it out? Slow, baby steps. Be very gentle with yourself. If you can cultivate observation -- watching what other people do when they're out without panicking that you're not in control -- that'll get you far. But oh, it really is hard, and its going to take time. Keep posting here, or in other communities; you don't have to do this alone & even if your family won't understand, you can find people who will.

You don't have to do it all at once. You can't do it all at once; it's going to come slowly, in pieces. Sometimes you'll understand that it wasn't you, and sometimes you'll feel like it's not real and sometimes you'll wish it will just all go away. But you'll get through it, and the more time you can spend paying attention (that observation thing) and telling your stories (here, elsewhere, privately in your own journal) the more you'll be able to see what's true for you.