First Post
Oct. 23rd, 2005 11:19 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
tashiro.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
multiplicity_archivesI thought I'd join this community, and to start things off, this is my brother's post in my LJ. I found his post earlier in the morning -- I allow him to post in my journal from time to time.
His name is Mark, a member of my group. I prefer to consider them my brothers and sisters, rather than anything else. It feels better this way. I'm not really sure what to say to him, perhaps others with less of a direct attachment to him could offer insight.
-- Kit
Since Kit isn't present right now, I thought I'd post instead. It has been a while since I've made any commentary on this journal, but then I normally don't have much to say. Samantha has considered posting in her journal as well, but she's not been feeling very reflective. I, on the other hand, have been thinking for the last little while, and tonight it seems to have come to some sort of head. I thought I'd post my thoughts here, and see how they turn out, since my emotions are a jumble right now. This seemed like a good method for getting things organized, so that perhaps I could come to some sort of understanding with myself.
Purpose. I feel like any purpose I have has long since gone. At one time, we supported Kit, and helped him through a number of tough places. Now, I don't think we have that kind of duty anymore. Except for me, Shawn, Samantha, and Daryl, most of the others are fairly quiet and out of the way. It takes effort, at times, to remember they're even still there. Samantha and I, of course, are still the most active of the group, but I feel lately that I lack any true definition that would make me 'me'.
I am finding myself second-guessing what to write here. Some of it seems disjointed, rambling, but I feel the need to get this out of my system. One of my problems is a personal one, having to do with my feelings for someone, and, essentially, a loss of hope. You see, I have this gift I want to send to someone. It isn't terribly romantic, but it is something I felt would suit them and make them smile. I still want to send this present, but now I don't know if it is the right thing to do. I have a romantic interest in this person, but it is not something that will work out. When I found out a friend of mine was interested in the same person I was, I felt perhaps, that if the two of them got together, I could, to some extent, experience the relationship vicariously. My friend is someone I like and can trust, I feel, and it would allow me to be a part of this relationship by knowing both people involved.
As things are, this isn't happening. The person I like has met someone else, who lives closer to her, and things are going well for her and her boyfriend. A part of me is glad, because she is happy, and in the end that is what is important. A part of me however, is accepting that this means less contact, and certain restraints. I do not know this person she has met, and they do not know me. It would not be right, I feel, to allow myself to have any personal connections with her.
Of course, I knew this would happen a while ago, regardless. Circumstances dictated that no matter what, my life is not my own, and no matter how much I may care for someone, and even if they care for me, my situation kills any hope of having a normal relationship.
On top of this, I feel like I am simply going through the motions these days. There is, really, no real purpose for me at this time. Kit is doing well, Samantha is settled for now, and really, my connection to other people is as it usually is - very low. My presence usually places a strain on Kit, we seems to have grown less accustomed to having more than one of us truly active at a time. More often than not now, it is an 'all or nothing' type of circumstance with him and I. Samantha can deal with it better, but I'm finding that as I lose interest in the outside world, it becomes harder to co-exist at the same time with anyone else. I'm still able to come up, or else this post wouldn't be here, but it seems to be harder to work in tandem.
There have been changes going on, we think. A shift in how things balance within our host. I don't know how things are changing, but they are.
His name is Mark, a member of my group. I prefer to consider them my brothers and sisters, rather than anything else. It feels better this way. I'm not really sure what to say to him, perhaps others with less of a direct attachment to him could offer insight.
-- Kit
Since Kit isn't present right now, I thought I'd post instead. It has been a while since I've made any commentary on this journal, but then I normally don't have much to say. Samantha has considered posting in her journal as well, but she's not been feeling very reflective. I, on the other hand, have been thinking for the last little while, and tonight it seems to have come to some sort of head. I thought I'd post my thoughts here, and see how they turn out, since my emotions are a jumble right now. This seemed like a good method for getting things organized, so that perhaps I could come to some sort of understanding with myself.
Purpose. I feel like any purpose I have has long since gone. At one time, we supported Kit, and helped him through a number of tough places. Now, I don't think we have that kind of duty anymore. Except for me, Shawn, Samantha, and Daryl, most of the others are fairly quiet and out of the way. It takes effort, at times, to remember they're even still there. Samantha and I, of course, are still the most active of the group, but I feel lately that I lack any true definition that would make me 'me'.
I am finding myself second-guessing what to write here. Some of it seems disjointed, rambling, but I feel the need to get this out of my system. One of my problems is a personal one, having to do with my feelings for someone, and, essentially, a loss of hope. You see, I have this gift I want to send to someone. It isn't terribly romantic, but it is something I felt would suit them and make them smile. I still want to send this present, but now I don't know if it is the right thing to do. I have a romantic interest in this person, but it is not something that will work out. When I found out a friend of mine was interested in the same person I was, I felt perhaps, that if the two of them got together, I could, to some extent, experience the relationship vicariously. My friend is someone I like and can trust, I feel, and it would allow me to be a part of this relationship by knowing both people involved.
As things are, this isn't happening. The person I like has met someone else, who lives closer to her, and things are going well for her and her boyfriend. A part of me is glad, because she is happy, and in the end that is what is important. A part of me however, is accepting that this means less contact, and certain restraints. I do not know this person she has met, and they do not know me. It would not be right, I feel, to allow myself to have any personal connections with her.
Of course, I knew this would happen a while ago, regardless. Circumstances dictated that no matter what, my life is not my own, and no matter how much I may care for someone, and even if they care for me, my situation kills any hope of having a normal relationship.
On top of this, I feel like I am simply going through the motions these days. There is, really, no real purpose for me at this time. Kit is doing well, Samantha is settled for now, and really, my connection to other people is as it usually is - very low. My presence usually places a strain on Kit, we seems to have grown less accustomed to having more than one of us truly active at a time. More often than not now, it is an 'all or nothing' type of circumstance with him and I. Samantha can deal with it better, but I'm finding that as I lose interest in the outside world, it becomes harder to co-exist at the same time with anyone else. I'm still able to come up, or else this post wouldn't be here, but it seems to be harder to work in tandem.
There have been changes going on, we think. A shift in how things balance within our host. I don't know how things are changing, but they are.
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no subject
Date: 2005-10-24 06:06 am (UTC)What kinds of things are you interested in? What are your hobbies? Do you have friends outside the system? When someone (single or multiple) has organized their life around a specific goal or purpose, sometimes it can be hard to find a meaning or motivation for one's life when that's done with.
You may not be able to have a 'normal' relationship in the sense of two bodies with one person each (our culture's model for a proper relationship), but it is possible for multiples to have long-term and fulfilling relationships. We're in one with another multiple and happy with it.