writing with not certainty of response

[riagoose.livejournal.com]

I'm here because I've lived my life knowing something was different about me. I don't know if it's multiple personalities, but I'll tell you about it because I hope someone will understand.

I have definite voices in my head that say things to me that I must listen to. Things about how I look or who I am or should be. Sometimes luring me into punishing myself for the things I do or think or say. The voices aren't always speaking but I know they are there.

I remember very little of what happened in the past. I remember definite bits and pieces and sometimes large pieces of time, but people will ask me what I thought of a movie I guess I'd seen or something I'd done and I just don't remember doing any of it at all.

Most of the memories I do have are of me watching myself do things and that's the weirdest thing to explain. Like I'm above everything watching from above and not really there.

I get this welling feeling like something really terrible is going to happen and then something will emerge like screaching wailing tearful childlike crying. It isn't me and it isn't who I would choose to be or how I necessarily feel, but I'm being stomped out by this other part of me that is weasling it's way out--I'll be helpless and limp and cling to my husband and then I won't remember anything until I wake up the next day or so and everything is 'normal' again. Sometimes I'll rage around when I am feeling quite content and happy and have no way to stop myself...

I do things that I'm not aware of at all--like all of a sudden I am looking at a screen/paper full of beautiful sorrowful poetry and writing that isn't mine and doesn't come from me and I don't know how it got there and my husband says I was writing it...it was me, but not...I struggle to write anything and stop to erase and scribble out words and it takes me hours to write one poem when I myself try to write.

ok maybe I'm saying to much and maybe I'm going to be deemed a weirdo or something for admitting this, I don't know what it is...But I need to get on with life and I can't ignore these things any longer.
Ria

Comments

Hm...

[cirape.livejournal.com]

Most of the memories I do have are of me watching myself do things and that's the weirdest thing to explain. Like I'm above everything watching from above and not really there.

I have some memories like that...well, we do...of whoever was here before (because it seems that whoever was the "core" is somehow not here. gone, dead, changed, we dunno). Its weird but its normal for me even tho I think it's odd *shrugh*
We also have trouble remembering the past, like you said (most things before a point in middle school are blank, and Micha and I have a bad memory period, that somewhat extends to the others). I can't really comment on the rest, but you aren't quite alone ^^
--Diz-chan

Welcome them

[tigrlily-61.livejournal.com]

The only way I was able to understand and deal with my inside people was to welcome and acknowledge them. The more I did, the more each knew about the others, and they are learning to work together, and not sabotage us.

For me it was scary and a relief to acknowledge them. The grown-up part was scared because of what people think of DID/MPD (dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality disorder) but the inside people were so happy to be listened to, to be able to come out freely and talk openly, that i couldn't ignore it anymore.

[eatthemusic.livejournal.com]

Yes. It is best not to ignore these things.

It sounds very much like you are multiple to me. Now, what would you like to do about it?