hmm..

[ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com]

((i realized, i never really said who i am! i'm Jen, but much prefer to be known as Ryk. i even had a couple teachers calling me in that in my short stint in college. hah! my boyfriend is Bry, and i tend to talk about him a whole lot. :/ even when he's being a jerk. but since i bring him up alot, may as well mention him too. the two in me who talk the most are Su [though she's more a mediator, for when anyone else in me goes out of bounds, i think], and one who changes her name a lot... i can't remember all of the names, but the one she used most was Angel. as an in joke, cuz she liked to pretend she was my guardian angel, out to save me. right... there's more, but they don't really talk to me/interact with the outside world [that i'm aware of!], so i don't know a whole lot about them))

after reading through some off the comm, i realized how very different i seem to be from everyone else.

for the majority here, everyone is 'us' and 'we'...

for me, it's 'i/me/whatever' and 'them' (there's two very vocal ones... one WAY more than the other... and a couple that i'm not sure what they do... aside from not talk to ~me~)

i'm pretty sure i can't be the ONLY one who feels like just a tool to be used at times (though i'm pretty sure that's not really the case, just a feeling..) but it'd still be nice for some reafirmation. :)

also... has anyone else had someone just show up for a day, and then take off? my boyfriend has told me of two like this... one who didn't talk, but cried a ton, and curled up in a corner of my room... and one that was some guy who was sarcastic, but not in a mean way like the girl who switches her name as she pleases.

i saw the thing about them DYING, but i don't think that's the case here. though i could be wrong. i'm not new to being a multi, just new to the idea of talking to others about it, who can actually UNDERSTAND. ^_^; so i might seem confused in how i talk, or explain things, compared to anyone else. for that i'm sorry.

sidenote : about the dear boyfriend... i'm still not sure what to do with him. however, the girl who changes her name seems to be up to something, and it's kind of worrying me... :/ she can be like an older sister... either trying to protect me, or being a bitch, trying to take things from me ~_~;

Comments

[forever-alone.livejournal.com]

I can identify with the 'me' and 'them' thing, although I still use 'we' fairly often for simplicity's sake. I'm the one who's almost always out. I actually don't even know how to not front. It was agreed on long ago that there should be one person in our system who acts as a sort of buffer zone between the inside and outside, and I was chosen to be it. Sometimes this works to our advantage, sometimes it doesn't; it has however alienated me greatly from the rest of the system.

At the moment the rest of the system are 'in the back' somewhere, and I can't contact them. They resurface whenever they want to front or tell me something, then go back and I'm left up front alone again. This is happening more and more frequently, probably as a result of being forced to appear as one person to our family and at school. I feel like the odd man out a lot of the time, but I understand it's hard for everyone in here.

[ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com]

while ~i~ don't use 'we', they're willing to. but i think they tend to mean their group, and i'm always 'she/her'... rarely is my name used. and i don't know why. this is known to me by IMs they leave on my screen after talking to one of my friends/my boyfriend (i'm very scared to have more than two people on AIM for this reason)..

i don't think it was ever ~agreed~ persay that i be at the front. in fact, i think one is very bitter that she isn't. i know she's threatened to kill us, so she wouldn't have to deal with sharing. greedy little... >_>; sigh.

i know that mine come out in public. i don't really know how to describe how i know i'm not in front though. i lose time by my own means (i have no sense of direction/time, for some reason, poor me :D) so i don't think that's any of them... what a confusing way to be. :/

LJ ate my comment...

[forever-alone.livejournal.com]

I lose time by my own means too. Let me think of how to describe it... um... since I'm here 99% of the time even when someone else is fronting, I don't lose time in the sense that I black out or anything. It's more like I take a backseat to whoever else is up front with me, and though I'm aware of what's going on I can't focus on it that well and most of the time, hours later, I'll simply forget what happened. That's not a very good description of it, but maybe you get the general idea. So complicated. >_

Re: LJ ate my comment...

[ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com]

yeah, i get what you mean. it feels like it's a dream or something, not really that important... :) wow. i thought most people are super aware of everything. this makes me feel better. lol ^_^