Our Introduction & a Question or Three

[our-haven.livejournal.com]

Hey.
My name's Jem, writing on behalf of Haven, our house. I only discovered our multiplicity in earnest about six months ago, though our (previous) primary from birth had suspected it a few years ago and some of us have known all along. We believe ourselves to be a "natural" multiple, with many of us present from birth, since we have no memories of abuse or severe trauma to speak of . . . It also just "feels right". We're comprised of eighteen currently-known residents, most of whom are female, and we have an energy vampire and rain fae living with us, too. ^_^

Basically we've just been working on communication/interaction (we're co-aware most of the time, now! yay!), learning to share the body (I... tend to get in the way of that. *control freak*), and reconnecting with some of the those who've been back and unaware for a long time. Until recently, one of those "sleepers" was the original primary frontrunner, Jeremey, who disappeared at around age 17 and who we just recently managed to wake up. I've been the primary (in one form or another) for the past two years, fronting the most by far. I'm 18, a transgirl, and (I'd just like to say) much nicer than my counterpart, January. The two of us split off a girl named Genevieve about a year ago-- January got all the assertiveness and blunt, challenging poise, and I got a more neutral (and as she would say, dull) personality and a little more respect for other's feelings (mushy crap, in her opinion.) She's front the most next to me, and rather opinionated, so I'm sure you can expect posts from her, too. We have quite a few shy ones amongst us, but at least a few who I'm sure will be eager to post.
(And, ah, we only recently decided on Haven as our house name . . . I hope there isn't another "Haven" out there. I'd hate to feel like we were stealing someone else's name :\ )

Alright, that was our introduction,
Now I have some questions:

1. Jeremey, who spent 17 years as the primary, was never actually aware of anyone else fronting/co-running until he was 16 and our walk-ins started gaining body control. That's when he first supposed that he might be multiple (an idea he suddenly forgot about, oddly enough, though he had researched and connected it extensively.) Yet even though he was unaware that others shared the same body until his mid-teens, many of us have very distinct memories about just living and doing day-to-day things throughout the years. Those memories are restricted exclusively to one person each, rather unlike most of our memory (which is mostly "public"), and we have the full feeling of "ownership" over what happened then-- unlike the "watching someone else" feeling we get recalling the "public" memories of the past. So it's obvious that we others have been around for a long time and have spent time in the past just living and playing and doing, even while Jeremey was still around! I've picked up that there were a few time gaps in his past (actually, almost an entire year once, but that was under unusual circumstances), but for the most part his memory is linear and complete. If that's the case, and he was more-or-less constantly around, then how could he not have realized we were there??

2. As I mentioned earlier, Jeremey was "asleep" in a dark part of our world for almost two years. I found him about a month ago, on one of the rare occasions where I've managed to do some exploring. He was slumbering within some sort of "dream-sphere", immersed in and reliving memories of his past. It was only my touching this bubble, taking a look inside it, and (evidently) disturbing him that caused him to wake up. As near as we can tell, when he became physically intimate (was going to have sex) for the first time with our now-ex-girlfriend (intimacy is almost always a switch or blank-state trigger for us), he suddenly went somewhere VERY far back and then I (as Genevieve) came out in a state of mental vertigo and general confusion. He seems to have a little memory of what happened in the couple weeks following that night, but his memory blanks out after that, once "I" was fully front. Has anyone had something similar happen to them or their system, "sleeping" like that for such a long time? What could cause a primary who'd lived most of the life up front to go back so far and stay back?

3. Does anyone have some tips for better reaching/exploring other-worlds? It seems that it's almost impossible for me to exist in it... Or maybe I'm just missing something :\ January spent a significant amount of time front some months ago, and when she finally had to stay back for over a month she became able to fully "inhabit" that place, foregoing co-awareness when she wanted to. Since we both split from the same girl, it doesn't make sense to me that we should be so different in that respect. Is it only because I'm back so rarely, and the responsibility of being the primary frontrunner rests on me? I know that everyone's system and experience therein is different, but does anyone have an idea how I might change this? I'd really like to be able to spend time in our other-world, but it just doesn't seem possible!

I sincerely thank you in advance for your feedback, and I'd just like to say I'm really looking forward to exchanging ideas/insights/experiences in this community.
~Jem of Haven.

Comments

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

Hi!

Can't really help you with #3.

#1. Several of us would "edit" our old front's memories when she wasn't supposed to acknowledge us. We felt we needed someone who could present as a singleton and she got the job. She did have this cute theory that she became plural under stress (co-presence is hard to ignore) but went back to being one afterward. ;)

If you watch closely, most (possibly all) people have this incredible power called denial - when something happens that doesn't fit within their reality, they rewrite the events to fit their reality or edit them out of their memories entirely.

#2. We've had selves who "sleep" for years at a time. The intimacy thing - we've got several selves who don't want anything to do with sex, but then we were sexually abused as a kid/kids. Our old front didn't have access to those memories, but she knew something must have happened since normal people don't go emotionally numb during consensual sex.

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

That said, with #2 there's no guarantee or implication intended with the sex thing - that's just how it went for us.

YMMV, all exclusions apply, etc...

[raijna.livejournal.com]

Hey. :)

1. That's really interesting... I guess I didn't really know memories could be "edited". Some of the others have been known to "hide" or "cover" memories so they're not easily/readily accessible, but I don't know if they've actually modified any.

Heh... yes, I'm very aware of that mystical and awe-inspiring power . . . i've been known (unfortunately) to use it once-in-a-while, myself.

2. I guess it's not too uncommon, then. I don't think we experienced any sexual abuse, but then I may be wrong. It makes sense why past abuse would cause something like that. That emotional numbness (and for us a weird dissociation) happens to me most of the time when I'm physically intimate, too. I don't know why. Actually, that's usually when one of the other, more sexual ones comes out, like "Hey, she's gone! This looks like fun!"

Thanks for responding.
~Jem of Haven

[karma-silenced.livejournal.com]

3. Maybe you could take some time off from the front and try to find that place like January did. For some of us, being in an other-world is more difficult and we are "further away" or dissociated (don't know how to put that) from it. But the more we go there, the better and more normal the other world gets.

Can we add you? :o)

- Kat & Rika

[raijna.livejournal.com]

*nods* I guess a focus lately for us has been getting me to "let go" a little more, be able to step back for longer and more fully, and let others come out more. I know most of the others are feeling a little cramped. ^^; I guess it's just practice, huh?

And, add away :) Always looking for friends.
~Jem

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

ok.. what follows is just our two pence... well ok several pence..

1. At least for us.. for those that hade to interact with the outside world.. like school and stuff.. they .. continued their lives even when inside.. they didn't notice the time slip cause the Elders didn't want them to.. even if you ask her today.. Rowan or I or the others who were in front.... will say that we weren't ever around til after age 12.. (which isn't the truth).. but you can't convince her otherwise and she has a fairly complete memory of her "life"


2.As one who recently "slept" for over two years I can say that when things get that bad.. at least for me.. I just walked into my room inside and shut the door and shut everything else out.. Just couldn't be out here or attached to this shell.. things were too bad.. too many things were replaying through my head.. and I was too upset.. that's the short desc. feel free to ask if you want to know more.. but that's my experience.

3. Everyone has different abilities/ paths to use those abilities.. you probably just haven't found the right way for you yet.. for us music is a BIG aspect of just about everything.. different music for different people.. or meditation.. til you find the right thing..

well just hope what we said helped some.
-Brighid & others

[raijna.livejournal.com]

Thanks for responding! It sounds like you've got some really interesting history behind you :)

1. That makes total sense. I guess it didn't really occur to me that something that large could just be "kept from" someone so totally... Maybe that's it. Then again, at other times (within the past few years) I know some of us were front at the same as Jeremey, and even actively interacting with the world, but he just never noticed, somehow. >< For a while there, he kept internalizing how other people felt, thinking it was him.

2. Wow. I guess I'm just learning now the extent of what's possible... I'm still looking at these things from a fairly outside and conventional perspective, and some concepts like just deciding to leave for a couple years seem incredible. I guess it shows I'm a newbie ^^

3. Music is a huge part of my whole life... Being a musician, I guess that's to be expected. How does it relate to/affect that aspect of life for you, if you don't mind my asking?

~Jem

in response

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

1. To me it's not really keeping them from something.. it's keeping them fucntioning.. the way they're used to.. It's sorta like diverting a stream.. it takes patience and knowledge to set it up.. but then you just nudge things slowly.. She kept going.. living in a way that was ok for her and allowed her to function when needed..

2. Sometimes it's not a conscious choice.. I look at how I was.. wasn't functioning then.. and surprised the household let it get that bad.. it wasn't the first time I took a break, but it was about the longest.

3. Well we're not a musician.. people say some of us can sing.. but I digress.. Lots of different ways.. when things were pretty blocked off.. I couldn't hear most of the others.. but they'd play music inside and I could hear that.. and it let me know who was around and what they were feeling like.. For some people certain songs are set up as "triggers" (gods I hate that word, but it's the best one we know) to bring them out.. most of the ones that have that are protectors now.. or can be called on if needed.. just need to play the songs .. Ummm.. other than that.. comfort.. jeez.. a lot of ways.. most of the songs we listen to are celtic or filk music(and yes I spelled it right).. so it's not very standard fare for most people.

[raijna.livejournal.com]

*notices she's been responding with her journal*
Oops. Multi-journaling is not something I'm used to ^^;

[pleiades-rising.livejournal.com]

I'll say Hear, Hear! to question 2. There is a girl in our system who fronted for around ten years, but something very tragic happened that involved someone she cared for deeply and us moving to a different state, away from what she and the rest of us consider our "true home". At first I thought she had died or left the system, but whenever there are certain triggers, she'll scream out or sob in her sleep.

I found her motionless and crying in a place inside that was made to look exactly like our true home, and I doubt she'll EVER wake up unless we were to find and bring back that someone she cares for.

But she WAS the primary, and because she wasn't strong enough to accept change, she went back to stay in a fake world where things don't change. That could drive primaries away from the front in other systems too, I'd think.

[melange-fiesta.livejournal.com]

That kinda sounds like the multiples version of Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Don't you think she should get some help for that?

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

Sometimes they're so damaged you don't know where to start. Letting them sleep until you have the resources/skills/etc to help them can be kinder.

[pleiades-rising.livejournal.com]

I would get help for her, but I don't see how anyone can help her right now since the only thing she gives any response to is a certain breed of dog. I'm not sure she acknowledges anything else.

[melange-fiesta.livejournal.com]

Also, may I add that, as a single, I and other singles are stuck in the body. There is no fake world we can escape to. If you ever wondered why people commit suicide, it is because people like your girl cannot handle real life after something traumatic (or sometimes just because they're depressed), and instead of being able to retreat they have to deal with it somehow, in the real world.

[our-haven.livejournal.com]

That came off kinda harsh, imo.
Sounds either a tinge jealous or rather condescending.
Perhaps I'm misinterpreting.

[melange-fiesta.livejournal.com]

I didn't mean it to be condescending, but I did mean it to be just a little bit harsh. I just don't see why you would let one of the people inside you suffer like that without trying to help her. If she was a single in a single body, wouldn't you want to help her with her pain?

Of course, if she won't -be- helped, that's a different story. It's inevitable that for many people who at least somewhat recover from PTSS, there will be at least one who doesn't.

As for jealousy... well, it wasn't really in my head at the time of writing, but I think there is something to be said for being a multiple. God knows I'd love the chance to leave my body sometimes and let someone else take control for awhile.

[kasiya-system.livejournal.com]

one of the people inside you

There may be different wording that other groups use, but that phrase doesn't work in ours. That makes it sound like I'm pregnant. o.O

[melange-fiesta.livejournal.com]

So what exactly would be the correct terminology? Don't forget that I only heard about multiplicity a few weeks ago. The terms that you take for granted are terms I have to learn by reading posts and comments.

[kasiya-system.livejournal.com]

Not sure what the correct terminology is either. "friends" works. As does "those in Kasiya" or "those in your group". They don't live inside of me. And we don't live inside of each other.

(though there may be a sexual innuendo hidden in there somewhere. :small grin:)

[melange-fiesta.livejournal.com]

By live inside "you" I think I meant inside the physical body. Maybe I should actually have, y'know, said that. :/

[kasiya-system.livejournal.com]

Ah, "those who use the physical body" while they are here in the physical. The majority of us, when not using the physical body, reside within the Kasiya realm. We aren't all "inside" the body all the time. Only one or a few of us at a time, mostly.

[melange-fiesta.livejournal.com]

I think that this is something I don't agree with you with. Every human being that exists uses the brain. Without a brain no human (or, presumably, multiple people) would be able to think. You are all still in that physical space that is called the brain, even though you may percieve that you are elsewhere, and thus you are all still, scientifically, in the body. Do you think that you actually physically leave the body? Because that veers away from science into psychic sort of stuff, none of which is actually provable. (I'm a big skeptic, so forgive me, but I have to question this.)

[kasiya-system.livejournal.com]

We believe that the dreaming realms and the astral realms are different than our own. Notice we said "believe", which means this is more than likely something we can not prove to anyone else. Much like a person's belief in the existence of their deity.

[melange-fiesta.livejournal.com]

Oh, and to avoid confusion, I didn't mean for "the people in the physical body" to mean "the people who are fronting", because not everyone fronts, and no one fronts all the time. I do understand that much. :P

[pengke.livejournal.com]

The phrase "people inside you" can be touchy because a lot of people decide that everyone else is inside the person that they've decided is the original/important/main person. The phrase "people with you" might work better or "one of the people sharing your body" but really the English language isn't set up for multiples. Southern is a little better because you can say y'all and y'all's to distinguish the plural you/your from the singular but that's not exactly grammatically correct.

Re: M

[melange-fiesta.livejournal.com]

Well, I am new to this multiplicity thing. I didn't mean to start big fights or anything like that... I just came here to learn more about it. And, believe it or not, you've helped quite a bit. I can get a picture in my mind of how things might work in your head, and, since I'm a visual thinker, this helps more than you might know.

I'm sorry if I upset you. I guess I didn't fully understand how your other worlds helped you to work with reality.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Use a little tact when speaking of other people's worlds. You may see it as "escaping to a fake world" but these subjective places are quite real to the people who live there.

It is a common misconception to think that subjective worlds are for losers who can't handle reality.

It is also a mistake to believe that you, as a singlet, cannot have access to such a place. Plenty of singlets can, and have.

[melange-fiesta.livejournal.com]

Sure, singles can do that. It's called imagination. However, we never actually leave our bodies, although we may percieve it that way.

I'm not saying multiples shouldn't have somewhere to go when not fronting. I'm saying it's not good for them to use the ability to literally go into a world of their own creation and escape dealing with reality. Dealing with pain is not fun, but it has to be done sometime, or the person in question suffers needlessly for months or even years.

[pleiades-rising.livejournal.com]

I'll agree it's not good to use escapism to get around reality. Because in the end, reality is always there. I'd think it'd be best to just deal with the problem head on instead of putting it off for so long and suffering because of it. A few in our system, I'm sure would rather commit suicide than run off into a fantasy world, some loves running off to that world whenever things get bad, and then there are others here who are the kind to tackle things head on. So I guess it all depends on the person.

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

This sounds more like some of the older ideas that multiplicity was a form of fantasizing or self-hypnosis created by an abused child so they wouldn't have to endure the abuse. Many of them also believed that multiplicity was a fantasy mechanism to avoid dealing with reality.

But who is to say what constitutes reality? Not all other worlds are happy, fluffy safe places where everything is wonderful all the time. Some of them are similar to Earth, or they're worse. If someone spends time frontrunning in the body to avoid dealing with an unpleasant situation in that world, is that also running away from reality and unhealthy, especially if their world suffers as a result? Why would someone create an unpleasant plase as an escapism mechanism if their 'earth life' was better?

A lot of people in our system stay away from the front because they're not interested in it. But their absence does not cause us to not deal with things, or to suffer. We can get along in this world without them fronting. Therefore, we consider it their choice and their right.

Of course, going elsewhere can become a form of escapism and avoiding dealing with one's problems, just as things like drinking and taking drugs (both legal and non) can become forms of escapism. Truddi Chase wrote in her book that their 'firstborn child' went to sleep when the others were created. Would that be considered escapism? Should she be forced to awaken and deal with her pain? The others decided against it, but they're still doing okay.

[pengke.livejournal.com]

Sometimes people will go away because they're not ready to deal with something yet. They need a period of space before they're capable of tackling it. Multiples can let other people run the body but singles do the same thing by spending all of their time sleeping or doing a lot of mind numbing busy work or things like that. Plus sometimes you just need a vacation and taking that break is all you need to function better.

It is an advantage of being multiple. We also have people with odd quirks that would be problems if they were single but work fine because there are enough of us to work around them. We can see why you would be a bit jealous. There are disadvantages, of course. One being that having people around to take over the body when you want them to also means they're around to take over the body when you don't want them to. (Not meaning that they're stealing the body and doing nefarious things but even little things like having to go for a walk when you want to read a book can be annoying.) We don't understand why single people would want to be multiple but we equally don't understand why multiple people would want to be single.