x=posted to my own journal, and a bunch of SI comms.

[ricktboy.livejournal.com]

before I begin, let me just say, feel free to get rid of this if you like, but please read it first, i apologize in advance for your flist being flooded.


I live in one body with many other people. Yes, I'm one of those. I am a multiple, and one of the others in this body is an SI'er. There are probably more, but this one chooses to be open about her SI, and so I will only speak about her, and myself. Faith cuts for lots of reasons, coping, asthetics, as a form of body modification, scarification, pain(as in the BDSM kind), what-have-you. As a person afraid of blades, I do not cut myself, but she does. However, I am still proud of the scars she leaves, I choose to not be ashamed of it, and instead hope that others who SI will see and take some comfort in knowing they don't have to be ashamed. Yes, people don't understand, and yes, if you're not careful, it could hurt you permanantly. But if this is your chosen method, then don't be ashamed. Be yourself, and be proud of the fact that at least you have a coping method, I know people who don't...they bottle it up, and it kills them. Literally. I had a good friend of mine hang himself because he didn't know how to cope with his life. My father had a heart attack because he's NEVER known how. So, yeah, you've got some scars, but don't be ashamed of them, be proud of the fact that they're there, because you took the initiative to try and cope with things in your life.

It's harder to do than people think, and while you may think you want to die, you haven't tried yet, for whatever reasons, but most of all, because you can and do cope.

Comments

[transman58.livejournal.com]

thank you very much for writing this. i used to use SI as a way to cope and was ashamed of it for many years, but in the last 4 or 5 years i have come to the realization that i have nothing to be ashamed of. i have since found some other ways to cope...some work and some don't, but that's just me. at least there are ways for people to cope and whatever way people choose, they should not be made to feel shame from that.
-ethan-

[ricktboy.livejournal.com]

thanks, man...i agree, and look forward to our midnight chats...*giggle*

[lizjustliz.livejournal.com]

*nods*

I've been ashamed of my cutting for 13 years...I began cutting when i was 12, and hid it from the world...I only cut on my upper thighs...so no one would see...

but y'know, Rick's post made me feel better too.

Liz
Pack Collective

[redrainstorm.livejournal.com]

Though I agree that cutting can be better then other methods, like suicide, and that it is a coping method, it's not a good one... Yeah, we have some that cut, and so out system isn't one that's not an SI'er. I don't think you should be *ashamed*, but it's not something to be proud of. Because there are other, and better ways to cope. And that goes for more then people who SI.
A coping method that causes further pain, isn't a good one. I know when Kayleigh cuts, later she regrets it, ends up with marks/scars, and is in physical and mental pain later. So yes, while you're alive through coping of SI, you are still inflicting physical pain upon your body when there are many other ways to rid of pain without causing it upon yourself.
So, I understand your view point, agree on some points, but do have my own opinion on it. Not putting down your view, just stating my own.

Though I agree that cutting can be better then other methods, like suicide, and that it is a coping method, it's not a good one... Yeah, we have some that cut, and so out system isn't one that's not an SI'er. I don't think you should be *ashamed*, but it's not something to be proud of. Because there are other, and better ways to cope. And that goes for more then people who SI.
A coping method that causes further pain, isn't a good one. I know when Kayleigh cuts, later she regrets it, ends up with marks/scars, and is in physical and mental pain later. So yes, while you're alive through coping of SI, you are still inflicting physical pain upon your body when there are many other ways to rid of pain without causing it upon yourself.
So, I understand your view point, agree on some points, but do have my own opinion on it. Not putting down your view, just stating my own.

[redrainstorm.livejournal.com]

i dunno why it got pasted twice... gah... how odd. thats what i get for copying/pasting from a comment i left in another community you xposted too. :p

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Bein proud of one's cuts and scars is not the same of being proud that you cut.

Small point there. I cut, I have some pretty nasty scars. I am very, very proud of them. I'm never quite able to place why. But mostly it seems to be "I was there, I was down, I have been at the bottom and I'm still here so fuck your disgust"

Well, pretty much, anyway.

[ex-khailitha846.livejournal.com]

Greetings. I am Kat from The Khailitha Pod and We've got some cutters in Our system, although they have not been allowed to go so far as to leave scars, because there are others in the system that would not be able to wear them proudly.

I (and a few of my "sisters") are doing a four-year graduate program in Oriental Medicine and I had a discussion about cutting with one of my professors. An incredible Daoist guy who practices Classical Daoist style medicine (replete with all kinds of wierd psycho-spiritual overtones) instead of the modern TCM style that is trying so hard to blend with Western Medicine.

Anyhow, he's spent many years treating in drug-rehabilitation centers and working with people with aforementioned "psycho-spiritual" problems. Anyhow, there are specific channels of energy that, in Oriental philosophy, make a person exist, and acupuncture is a way of interacting with those channels. Lancing, Bleeding, Cupping (a form of suction), GuaSha, (hard massage that leaves bruises) Pricking, and Puncturing are all common methods used to affect the meridians and re-balance the energy. Specifically, on the inner forearm are the lung, heart, and pericardium channels that all run directly to the chest where issues of consciousness, identity in the world, grief, trauma, anger, and sorrow can all manifest.

I asked him if he thought that SI could be an attempt to re-balance this energy, much like most addicts are really self-medicating an underlying condition. (With Us the urge to cut is always accompanied by a undescribably sensation in the area of the body that seems to "need" cutting.) He thought about it for a while and then said I was brilliant and gave me a plum blossom bleeding needle to give to Dandelion (one of Our cutters) to use the next time she wants to cut.

Anyhow, I somehow think that it IS relevant that cutting IS an attempt to cope, and maybe for more reasons than anyone really understands at this point in time.

Sending lotsa good energy your way!

[ex-khailitha846.livejournal.com]

Here I'd like to add a a note that coping with a difficult situation is coping with a difficult situation. Cutting is not the only self-destructive thing that people do to cope. As Kat mentioned above, addicts are usually attempting some sort of self-medication of an underlying problem. But I would like to add that self-destruction IS, in fact, self-destruction.

I think the point she (Kat) was enamored with was that most self-destructive behaviors can be traced to some actual benefit and she has found this nifty little model in which to explain cutting. (I think there's something to her theory, actually.)

To my way of thinking, though, stop-gap, coping, self-destructive behaviors are not addressing the real root of the problem. Obviously, heroin doesn't do what a anti-depressant would do, and an anti-depressant doesn't do what finding real meaning and value in ones life would. See? But what it does do is allow one to SURVIVE.

The question becomes, I'm guessing, is simply surviving the highest meaning one can find? Or is there a way to resolve the root of the problem so that "coping" is no longer necessary.

Just a thought.

Rhonda

[lizjustliz.livejournal.com]

*gives you and Dandelion cookies*

I think you've hit on an excellent point.

As I said above somewhere, when an inner cuts outside, it could be a cry to the rest of the system for help. It could be, as you think, something to do with unbalanced energies. It could be a number of things.

I think you're all wonderfully supportive.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

I don't know. When I get seriously upset it's my legs I instinctually go for. But I've already determined odd things like me having an extra chakra, so I may not fit the rules.

[forever-alone.livejournal.com]

I agree with pretty much everything redrainstorm said. I also think it's a bit dangerous to tell people to be proud of their scars, as it could reinforce the idea that it is okay to mutilate your own body in return for temporary relief. I had more to say, but I can't get my thoughts together right now.

[ricktboy.livejournal.com]

I couldn't disagree with you more. I'm not telling people it's okay to do, it's people's individual problem/issue/choice. I'm not saying it is or it isn't okay to do. what I'm saying is it's okay to say, "I've had a problem."

You don't look at people in disgust when they have to take pills(anti-depressants or whathaveyou), so why look at people in disgust simply because they have scars?

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Personally? I think it *is* ok to mutilate your body for temporary relief. It's your body. A person can refuse meds, even surgery, they can express a wish not to be on life support, they can do all of these things, because in the world of medicine people respect that a person's body is their own and they are free to fix or destroy it as they wish.

Cutting is perfectly ok. There are often other methods that are more constructive people should maybe work towards, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with self harm. Sometimes it's the only coping method.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

I cut. I like to think it's in the past, but the urge is still there. It's an addiction. The need to do it built up over my months of not 'needing' to until I just wanted an excuse. the first time I got very seriously upset, I did it again. But I'm working on it.

I have some nasty scars. Lu isn't that proud of them at all, even ashamed. But she's learning from me how and why to be proud of them. At first even i was ashamed. But gradually I saw them healing, slowly, I saw that they were old, and I felt *good* about them. Because they were deep, I had balls, and dammit I am still here to watch them fade.

I recently went on holiday. Lu was conflicted what to do. We came to the conclusion that we'd wear whatever the fuck we wanted to and people could think what they wanted.

I have cut, I still cut, and I am still alive. My only real concern is "Will this affect my ability to get tattoos" more than anything else.

[ricktboy.livejournal.com]

I've cut when I was younger, but haven't been able to bring myself to do it again since then. Faith and I have debated over whether it was even me.

but I applaud Lu for her efforts in understanding.

[ranuial.livejournal.com]

I've always had mixed feelings about SI. I cut, but I've never told anyone. In fact, I was tempted to make this post anonymous. Some issues have to be faced eventually, though.

I am the only one in my system that cuts, and some of them feel uncomfortable with the process, and so we have compromised and I've gotten better about cutting in places that will not be seen by most people. The idea that I should probably quit altogether has been discussed and dismissed, because you are right. It is a coping method. I know that it is not the healthiest thing in the world to do. For me it is a last resort, and I am careful to try and keep the damage as minimal as possible under the conditions. But sometimes the urge is too strong to ignore, and cutting is the only way I can break the apathetic, depressed state of mind I get in sometimes.

I try to avoid it whenever possible, and I have found other methods of coping. However, I am not ashamed of my scars. Like kangetsuhime said in a comment above, the scars are a reminder to me that I've been through some very bad times, and I managed to survive. In fact, old scars have even stopped me from cutting again, because I can look at the old scars and know that things will change, and that I will survive. So it is a coping method that way, too.

[ricktboy.livejournal.com]

If you ever need someone to talk to, holler at us...

our contact info is in our respective journals, or you can reach all of us at my AIM.

Rick
Pack Collective

[kasiya-system.livejournal.com]

we have a few in our group who have cut on the physical body in the past.. but if any of them tried to do it again, I'd seriously kick their ass.. I don't find anything to be proud of one of us slicing up the body that we all share.. it's not their place to decide how the body looks for the others who may want to use it.. what they do with their own bodies while not in the physical is their own business.. but out here, I'd kick their ass.. -kas

[forever-alone.livejournal.com]

Here here!

~Cherry.

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

We don't have any who cut, but we have one who "claws" - she'll scratch the body until it bleeds, pick at scars, etc... we know she does it when she's in a lot of emotional pain, and that the physical pain she feels from what she does seems to soothe her, but the damage to the body worries many of us. We try to distract her with safer options, but sometimes we don't intervene fast enough.

We've used icecubes and very hot or cold water before as a temporary option, but we'd like to know more about what kinds of things we can do to help her learn less physically harmful ways of dealing with what drives her. Any links or suggestions?

[ricktboy.livejournal.com]

IM me/us, and we'll discuss it...Failing that, I know Faith's snapped a rubber band against her pulse point in her wrist before, and said it hurt sufficiently to stop her from cutting for an hour, not more than that though.

like I said, contact me, we can talk about it.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Just a quick note, you can always use an lj-cut (http://www.livejournal.com/support/faqbrowse.bml?faqid=75) if you're worried about the length of a post. We didn't regard this post as being that long though.

[ricktboy.livejournal.com]

sorry, i really didn't think about it.

I know how to lj cut, i appreciate you're thinking it wasn't that long...

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

What you should be proud of is the fact that you coped with a difficult situation, not that you self-injured to deal with it. It is one of many methods that people use for dealing with difficult times. Sometime you end up with the scars on the inside. We have some of those, but what we're actually proud of is the fact that we managed to come through okay on the other side when all was said and done. It's the fact of our being here today-- our life itself-- which is the real proof of that.

[ricktboy.livejournal.com]

I never said you should be proud of SI...I'm not saying yes or no to that...I said be proud of what the scars represent.

that's all.

Rick
PC

[ex-kiota.livejournal.com]

I cut.. and it's a terrible coping method. It's addictive and it gets worse and worse and worse. Urgh.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

I think it's always a good thing to be proud of coming through hard times and unashamed of one's body. So yay.

I did have a very personal reaction to your post which may be generational (in that body modification wasn't as common when I was younger). It was to wonder if drinking alcohol to excess were your drug/coping mechanism of choice, and you fell down drunk and had a scar from that, would it represent the same to you, do you think? Or is there an idea that the scarification is an art? (Don't answer if you don't want to, I'm just wondering.)

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Falling down drunk and getting a scar from that is not intentional. There's something very specific about being proud of a scar you made yourself. There is possibly an art element, unsure.

(Also, while I sometimes turn to alcohol to cope, I somehow can't be proud of losing control of myself. There seems to be a very different mentality behind me cutting and me drinking)

[pthalo]

I used to cut. I'm pretty sure I'm the only cutter in this system since I've never found any scars I couldn't account for. Started cutting when the body was 5. I'm down to a couple slips ups a year. I'm not ashamed of it. I wear short sleeves and the scars are a part of me. I would never get plastic surgery to remove them. I get what you're saying. But I'm glad I stopped cutting too. It was a coping method. It got me through terrible times and it was a lovely smoke screen for when I didn't feel able to deal with things. If I had new cuts, we could talk about cutting in therapy instead of abuse stuff. That wasn't a conscious thing at the time, but you know, hindsight, etc.

I think it's important to take care of the body. If you need to use a crutch for a while, then use one. But it's also important to find healthy coping methods and deal with the root problems, which will make the urges to cut come less and less.

Pthalo

[qilora.livejournal.com]

several of the people in my fronting-system are prone to some kind of "self-injury" when things get tough.. but we keep an eye out for each other and usually can be there to interfere with the abuse....

i have to admit that i am the worst of them and i am the one who causes the most harm to the body if i really snap and cant get a hold of things..

we have and understanding here though, and if it gets bad and i do that self-injury crap, i need to head in-house and deal with things while inside my *own* body... i can't be abusing the shared-body our system uses, that is just not at all fair and there is no way i would agree that it was...

if i am freaking out too much and just "acting out" then i can't front and that is that... none of them "leave" me, and all of my frends and family in-house are very supportive and help to take care of me as much as i need them, but will be *in*-house... its just system rules...

the scars are body *does* have are of no consequence to us actually... we are proud that we live and survive and *thrive* but the scars arent really important to us.. they don't make us feel ashamed *or* proud... their just another part of the body...

Jules.

weighing in

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Okay, I wasn't going to say anything because our House policy on this issue is apparently a minority view, but I'm going to use it to point out something I'd like everyone to remember.

If you had a lot of people living in a house together, you'd want to do everything you could to keep the house nice. You wouldn't stand for a roommate who smashed holes in the wall with a hammer for example. That is approximately our view on self-injury. We share this body, and anyone who frontruns will respect it or go some place where they can take out their frustrations without harming it. That is not my law or the frontrunners' law or even High Council's law, because we don't operate that way; it is a policy reached by mutual understanding and consensus.

That said: It is not appropriate on this community to criticize or denigrate another household's operating system. This is an extremely controversial issue as well as a very personal one, and I could argue all sides of it till the cows come home. I expect that the SI question will come up time and time again here. You can discuss, debate, argue, state what's true for your group, whatever it may be, but disparaging another person's or group's choice or the way they handle their operating system is out of line.

Re: weighing in

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

That said: It is not appropriate on this community to criticize or denigrate another household's operating system.

Hail, hail! That's a big part of why we get some really good discussions here.

You're hardly alone on trying to "keep the house nice" though. Much of what was interesting to us in this conversation was how groups who feel this way handle their members who self-injure.