Hi... I'm new here...

[niteofsyn.livejournal.com]

...I'm also looking for some answers to my questions.

I have no Idea where to start.  *takes a deep breath*  Okay... Here goes...

Hi.  Name's Chris.  I'm 20 years old, male, 2 years out of high school, currently in college.  I want to say that I've had my 2 others since Freshman year.  At least, that's when they first started talking to me.  For all I know, they could have always been there.  I have never told anyone about them.  Well, until last night.  I was over at my friend's house.  One of her others came out (Puchiko, kawaii!!!) for a little while and left.  It was completely without warning.  It scared me because it reminded me of when one of mine took control and almost did something very stupid (will get to that later).  Anyways, I just broke down crying.  I had to tell her.  Everything came out.  I hope she understood it all (it came in fragments as I remembered everything...and we had been drinking a little).  She reassured me that it was okay, and was very understanding.  I definitely needed that.

My two others didn't exactly announce themselves in any special manner.  They came at different times, but both said the same line when they made themselves known to me: "I'm here."  They didn't tell me they had names so I eventually named them myself.

The first one is Nighthawk.  He seems to be of similar age as me.  Early twenties.  He likes being mysterious, staying in the shadows most of the time, keeping an eye out for anything he deems important.  He doesn't speak a whole lot, but when he does, it's usually meaningful.  Once in a while, he'll crack a joke or two, just to let me know he's still there.  He doesn't sound like it, but he still knows how to have a good time when the occasion arises.  His voice is a tad strange.  It's like a mixture of my own voice and my friend Chris's.  It's strange to listen to it.

The story behind his name?  Well, I already said he's always on the lookout.  (Hawk).  In Freshman year, my depression hit hard.  I couldn't tell anyone, in fear of my parents.  Nighthawk took control of my life, rearranging my schedule so that I would sleep as soon as I got home from school, and wake up early.  That way, I wouldn't have to deal with anybody.  (Night).  He saved me once.  I am very grateful for it.

Synthesis scares me (Syn for short).  She is very evil.  (Yes, Syn is a girl)  I want to say that she is everything I am not.  Anything good that happens, she is always there to try and make it bad.  Anything bad happens, she's there to either laugh at me, at my weakness, or to try and make it worse.  The reason I'm scared of her?  She is strong.  Back in Freshman year, one night, without warning, she took control.  In a span of maybe 15 minutes, she had convinced me that no one loved me, I was worthless, I didn't deserve to live, and that she would help me end it all.  I didn't want it to happen, but she put up such a convincing front...  Unfortunately for me, Nighthawk didn't offer any help.  Within those 15 minutes, during the convincing, Syn had walked downstairs, got a knife from the kitchen drawer and had walked me out back.  It was then Nighthawk said it was enough.  But Syn didn't listen.  She pushed the knife up to my neck.  All the convincing she had done, came loose and I fought her.  I fought her with everything I could.  Nighthawk fought her, too.  She snapped back, and I got control again.  The knife fell to the ground, and I with it, crying.  We had won.  I don't know how..but we had won.  I guess you could say Nighthawk has saved me twice.  *cries*

I can honestly say that nothing that bad has happened since.  Granted, she does resurface every once in a while, but nothing as bad as that first time...  The things she said while we were fighting, though...those have stuck with me.  "You're worthless."  "You don't deserve anything."  "You have no reason to live."  Everytime something bad happens?  She's at it again.

I don't believe she is all mean.  But till now, I haven't been able to communicate with her.  ..Then again, I really haven't tried to.  Keeping stuff to yourself means being very secretive.  I didn't want to let anyone find out.

The meaning behind her name?  She is the culmination, the coming together, the embodiment of everything that I am not.  (Synthesis)  The short version explains itself.  (Syn).

My problem is, they have been with me for such a long time, they know nearly everything about me, but I know almost nothing about them.  They can talk to me, but I can't talk to them.  I don't know why.  If anybody has suggestions, please pass them forward.  I just want to ask basic questions.  I want to know what their real names are, if any.  I want to know how long they have been with me, or if there are any others with me that just haven't spoken out yet.  ...I want to know why Syn is so mean to me, and why Nighthawk says so little.  I want to know these things.

I come here wanting to be accepted and understood.  Having a secret for this long and finally letting it out...it lifts a great weight from one's heart.  But if the price for lifting said weight is being ridiculed and feared and misunderstood, it can be more damaging than the weight itself.

Thank you all for listening.

-Synthesis/Nighthawk/C.J.

"I'm on the outside...  I'm looking in..."


Cross-posted in silentmultiples and fragmentedminds

Comments

[eridanusus.livejournal.com]

Mate, sticky notes are your friends. Really. Leave notes somewhere they'll see them (but others won't) and hope they answer. We still do that. We write to a lot of the same people too, but we don't save outgoing email, so we rely on what our friends tell us of what others saidk, if that makes sense.
about why Syn's mean, it's probly some kind of defence. For some reason I've always ended up talking to the kids (tweens sort of age) in other body/systems that protect by force, try and get the others to keep everything secret. Had to convince them that it's ok and they're not the pieces of shit they think they are.. dunno if I could ever do that now.

[bizamoogie.livejournal.com]

*spits* I hate the body I'm in and the girl who owns it. She's a worthless little twat. I've tried everything I could to destroy this girl and her stupid husband keeps getting in the way. But I've got him leaving her now and soon I will get what I need done.

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

Why, and what do you intend to get out of it?

--Me

[bizamoogie.livejournal.com]

What do you care what I get out of it? She'll be gone. If you knew this girl, you'd want her gone too.

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

Why not? You're the one who felt it was of public interest that you intend to make life miserable for a system-mate. *shrugs* I just want to know why.

More questions, and a few repeats:

1. Why do you hate her?


2. What do you expect to get out of treating her like this?


3. Why would I want her gone? What did she do to me


4. Why are you isolating yourself with someone you hate?


5. Are you planning on offing her? If so:


6. Are we supposed to take this post as a veiled body-suicide note? If not:


7. Since you hate the body so much, why are you working towards getting a bigger portion of responsibility for it?.

You don't have to justify yourself to me; you don't know me from a fucking hole in the wall. However, what do you expect from a post like that? Count yourself lucky you didn't get flamed. *shrugs*

--Me

[bizamoogie.livejournal.com]

Why do you hate her? She is irresponsible, lazy and uses her problems as crutches. "I can't get a job because I'm too depressed." "My credit is shot, I can't find a place to live." etc, etc.

What do you expect to get out of treating her like this? I expect her to do what I tell her to do.

Why would I want her gone? What did she do to me I said you'd want her gone if you knew her. If you knew her, you'd realize what a moocher she is and how much of a manipulative bitch she can be.

Why are you isolating yourself with someone you hate? I don't understand this question.

Are you planning on offing her? If so: Are we supposed to take this post as a veiled body-suicide note? No. She's not the host anyway. She's just the main fronter.

If not: since you hate the body so much, why are you working towards getting a bigger portion of responsibility for it?. Because I can make the body better. I can make it prettier.

[bizamoogie.livejournal.com]

I messed up the bolding. Sorry.

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

Communication: sticky notes, journaling, meditation, automatic writing (give the hand to someone and let them write you notes, this works for some of us), maybe try a pendulum? If there's things you know your people like, doing them to catch their attention.

Mean in-house people: Get them communicating. Understanding them is the key to learning how to improve your relationships. Several of ours turned out to be protecting us from perceived threats (like intimacy, public success, etc...) Some were trying to prevent behavior that as a child would have gotten us severely punished - and talking about the abuse we survived or that we're plural fits under that. One gets us sick when she decides that we should avoid a situation and we refuse to. We have one who took on most of the "you're worthless, bad, etc..." crap that is par for being abused and we're working with her to raise her self-esteem. There's one who just revels in destruction - every now and then we buy her a dozen eggs to smash.

Our group had an agreement when we were kids that some would hold the memories and others would have no recollection - our abuser made it very clear that if anyone outside thought something was wrong he'd kill the people closest to us. But there's been discussion here of other groups where someone felt trapped with the painful memories, abandoned or called a liar by the rest of their group. They felt very hurt, angry, and savage.

[blackwing-angel.livejournal.com]

Hello dear.
You're not the only one with others who dislike you. Rayven & Cat are particularly agressive in our system, and they tend to make life a living hell for us, especially with Tabitha's fiance. They tend to be violent, aggressive, for no apparent reason. The only thing I can tell you is to keep strong. Keep trying to get to understand Syn, and keep trying to learn as much as you can.

Leaving sticky notes is always a good thing, as is encouraging internal communication. It took us quite a while before we got the whole internal communication thing down. *sighs* It's still tough when the others don't want to communicate with us. I have faith in you, though, I believe that you can do it.

Keep strong.

Tabitha & Constantine

[zenboiuke.livejournal.com]

Hey there. Communication is essential in ANY relationship, whether it's with someone in the 3D world or in house.

To offer a different perspective on Syn, I'll copy here something that I posted in my journal this week. Sorry for the length, but it's proteced so anyone who isn't on my friends list wouldn't be able to view a link.

Eckhart Tolle uses the term 'painbody' to describe past pain-generated negativity that has temporarily become lodged in our energy field. It takes on a life of its own and feeds off the same kind of pain that created it. (ie As much as I have been able to diminish it, I still have a painbody that is mainly comprised of deep lonliness, rejection, abandonment, etc)

When the painbody becomes active, it will create situations in our lives that generate the kind of pain with which it resonates (ie my painbody tells me that I will always be the outsider helping other people with their relationships, but never the desired person, how I am too much of a freak for anyone to want to be with, that the only people who would want to be with me are the ones I don't want to be with and if there is someone in whom I am interested don't even entertain the thought that it might be reciprocated, etc etc etc) Once the painbody is full, it goes dormant, and we are able to stop the compulsive negative thinking.

I've been able to make a LOT of progress over the past year or so with regards to 'starving' my pain body, but last Wednesday, out of NOWHERE, it kicked my ass & went on a binge ><;;; Then Saturday night I was hit with an impromptu wave of "Mommy ;_;" when I found myself alone in a garage full of things from the house, and was, once again, the reason why the rum was gone XD

As you can imagine, it was not my finest hour -_-;;;

Why am I sharing this tale of misery, despair & humiliation? Because it has a happy ending ^_~ This morning I faced the pain body head on, and instead of being lured once again into the cycle of self abuse, I held my ground and calmly dissembled its arguments until nothing remained but myself, clear minded, empowered & stable.

No matter how depressed, furious or hopeless you feel, you can find the strength to recapture your life from that monkey on your back, that insidious little voice that whispers poisonous thoughts in your ear. Take a deep breath, go within yourself, and face that creature head-on. It will dissolve in your presence, and give you back a piece of your soul.

It probably won't stay away for ever, so you'll need to be ready for it. I know I have to be prepared for the next time mine rears its ugly little head *cue Rocky theme* :p

Where she seems 100% destructive towards you, I was thinking that perhaps Syn is your painbody? Just a different perspective to consider...

*hugs* & welcome ^_^

~Kier

[niteofsyn.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't say Syn is 100% destructive towards me...but it is a pretty high percentage. -_-;;

Until I find out why she dislikes me so much, there's not much I can do, really.

Thanks for the advice.

-C.J. (I think they're asleep right now...silence is creepy...)

[saturniakitty.livejournal.com]

Welcome to the community ^_^ As you can already see, the people here are awesome. I hope they can give you better advice than me - I'm not too good at that. Oh and Puchiko says "Hi!" (Yes in English! Hehe)

[niteofsyn.livejournal.com]

Hiya Kitty! *hug*

I still can't thank you enough for listening to me that night. I can't tell you enough how much it meant to me. Nighthawk doesn't seems to mind that I told you, but Syn is still kinda pissed. -_-;;

Puchiko! ありがとうございます。 あなたは私をたいへん助けました。 よく滞在してください、そして、振る舞ってください。

-C.J.

[niteofsyn.livejournal.com]

Sorry. For those of you who want to read the Japanese above, go here. In his excitement in writing, he forgot to either put up a translation, or a link to a translator. Google doesn't work too well yet. I've found Excite very useful.

http://www.excite.co.jp/world/english/ (http://www.excite.co.jp/world/english/)

-Nighthawk

[bizamoogie.livejournal.com]

You talk the way I do.

[niteofsyn.livejournal.com]

Chris is a little wrong about me. Get me on the right topic, and I can talk up a storm.

As for the way I talk, thank you. I usually talk like that when I don't want to be a bother to anybody.

-Nighthawk

[niteofsyn.livejournal.com]

Hah, you can say that again. Sometimes, you won't shut up. It's bad enough I have to put up with you and your geekiness and him with his weakness.

-Synthesis (Yes, it's me. The "evil" one. Hah, like I don't read...)

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

*waves*

evil? *snort*

me thinks you spooked the lad a bit with the knifeplay. sometimes you gotta take the time to grow your menfolk.

[bizamoogie.livejournal.com]

I like the way you construct your sentences as well as your vocabulary.

Analese.

[jhonathand.livejournal.com]

Well, Like alot of other Ppl have told you, you're not the first to have a little Trouble with the Other's in their Houes/sytem/whatever,. to all get along peacefully,.

Frost and I went through a couple years of Gnashing teeth, and fighting, and Him degrading me. So I completely understand the position that you are in.

My Dear Friend elenbarathi suggested that; Frrost is just having a hard time dealing with being alive and sharing another body that's not his own right now."

I've taken this to heart because Frost and I are now on good terms and I just kept beliving that there was good in him and it came through, and made him less mean to me. and less damaging to our collected Psyche.

So I baisiclly say, "Keep up the good fight." It does get better for the most part with Other's

Feel Free To call me, My # is; (3, six, zero) 3, 7, nine- Eight, 4, 0, Five

I live in Washington State, and feel free to call anytime.

We totally know and understand where you are ate and are more than happy to offer a sympathetic ear, and a shoulder if need be.

Hug's Of Support,......................~M~

[changelyng14.livejournal.com]

360?
I'm in the 206 :P
(on da hill)
maybe we should hook up or something :)

[jhonathand.livejournal.com]

That might be do-able,

although my scheduale as of late is rather filled and the time that we get off is precious in deed.

but I don't see why not in the not to distant future.

I live out on the peninsula so, getting to the big scary city is just a ferry ride away.

Keep us apprised when you have a day off, and we'll see what we can do.

~M/Frost~

[changelyng14.livejournal.com]

hi :)
Welcome to LJ
I swear your system is almost identical to a friend of mines.
3-way with a frontrunner running 95% + of the time. Psi (silence) and Ev (evil) nicknamed for their more defined personality traits.

You can read alot about my system if you want to, its in my journal, (most recent entry)

hmmm....
sounds like a good plan overall. they can talk to you? thoughts appear in your mind that are theirs?

well... just because they don't answer you, doesn't mean they're not capable of hearing you, neccessarily.
they might be dormant (sleeping or somethhing like that), might just not be used to conversation, or they might be reserved about establishing contact with you.

Your frustration with contacting your people, reminds me of our frustration at contacting what we call the 'other tribe'. we dont communicate with them easily, like we do with each other. we don't usually get a response, nor can we 'access' them like were used to. they seem to either be dormant or doing things in some other 'place'. one of ours visits them often, and one of theirs visits us often, but neither come with memeories or anything. the only explanation we get is 'memories do not pass from here to there'.(which we find cryptic, and annoying)

we take negotiations and peace keeping very seriously. we don't care to ever have a war,conflicts, nor grudges. and managing this sort of stuff has been very touch n go.

Nighthawk makes me think of "The Indian". (he's yet to offer a name) he's extremely quiet. like most of his tribe, he thinks in very short statements. like, 'he does not recognize this place as his own'. and stuff like that. he watches things, doesn't tend to form opinions on things, he's very patient, and if he'd have his way, we'd all run about in the woods wearing underwear made out of sheep, or something. but we get the sense he's capable of sitting motionless for hours or days, if we ever ended up with a need for that.

Syn doesn't specifically remind me of anyone in my system but she has commonalities with alot of us.

we run under the belief that to 'grow' and 'mature' or, more specifically, to develop emotionally, or just to process emotions, we need facetime. we call it 'breathing'. highly odd ppl become more 'human' with exposure.

we run under the idea that the individual satisfaction of each of our members affects strongly the overall condition of the system. if someones disappointed with life, suicidal, despondant, etc. it gets filtered down to 'depression' at the front, but depression is what we endure until we get them sorted out.

anyways.
hmmmm....
my advice, honestly, is to continue to take charge. your thoughts, intentions, and reasons may be transparent to your backseaters. they might be alot more cooperative if they perceive that your reasons are good, or in their interests. Syn may have taken some damage at some point. fucked up shit + years of branial isolation = unhappy camper.

classic trauma MPD teaches that a trauma happens, the mind 'splits' and one member 'takes' the whatever with them so the other/s go unphazed. (and possibly, without memory of it) your description of her makes me wonder if she got the short end of one of those deals.

honestly, my advice, based on my personal experince, is to get her someone to talk to. if thats not possible, then get her front time.
yes, its a risk, she might go sysocidal but she might sort out.
your description of her makes me think the latter.

anyhow, Ive typed way too much.

lol, also based on my personal experience, if you want to cheer her up, clean your room and take a shower. It works on me :)

Tia of the Changelyng
(better yet, get her laid)

[niteofsyn.livejournal.com]

Maybe if I could find my way into a padded room or at least a straight jacket, I'd give her full control, but... It's just the rememberance of what she did last time that still comes back to scare the living hell out of me (like you said, it's a risk).

...get her laid? -_-;; Being a not-so-handsome guy, exactly...how would I go about doing that? Syn = female. It doesn't exactly match up. Anyways, I don't think Nighthawk is that desperate. (Syn's gonna yell at me if she reads this).

-C.J.

[changelyng14.livejournal.com]

hmm...
Maybe I should talk out of my ass less.

as a 'girl-in-a-boy', and as a comparitively newer member of my system, and as a 'non-face' type. I guess I relate more to what Blackhawk and especially Syn might be going thru.

We think I started out as a 'construct' (not conscious) about 5 years ago, but I only learned how to front about 2 years ago.
It was a really tough experience on me, although it was a rough time for most of us since alot of us were doing the same thing.

our most recent 'face-type' person was on a quest to 'find others' and we think he disabled a backseater who basically was in charge of keeping the system running and believing we were singular.

My experience was very rough in a lot of ways. my 'mental self image' and what I see in the mirror are in no way related. and it still messes me up when I catch my reflection when I'm not expecting it.
As hard as that, is walking into a life half-way. I've never been a child, nor have I ever done a lot of things someone my bodies age has done.
I have a number of other problems. when we identify as being 'split' to someone, it tends to take them for a shock. it seems to come as a double blow should I tell them my name (Tia). I frequently go as 'T' if I care to be ambiguous. I also tend to notice alot of people are very uncomfortable with me irl.

As for you. (C.J.) I think your in a place where you have alot of roads before you.
some people 'discover' there are more to them then just 'them' and can go alot of ways. I know a few that have shut out everyone else and tried to live exclusively. I'm aware that many try to find therapy, or acceptance, or just something to grasp, and come away empty handed.

You have a right to expect Syn to not harm her/yourself. She, like everyone else, owes it to find healthier ways of acting.
You also might be at an advantage over her. You may have drawn the lucky straw and experienced life, maturity, perspective, and every good resource you own.
Its possible that some lucky coin toss long ago is all that stopped you from being some backseated and lost voice in your head.

I hope your quest works out for you, and I hope Syn gets herself sorted out.
establishing communication is definitely the first step.

I have to wrap up (time to go)
but there's alot to be said on the subject of negotiating, and coming to terms, as well as working out arrangements.

as for getting Syn laid. maybe that was a bit off the cuff, but she might respond well to a piece of life. which has everything to do with what she likes. does she like art? draw a picture. does she love flowers? pot a plant in your room, or something. little stuff like that can go along way in cheering someone up, and making it easier to ask for something in return.

good luck whatever you do :(

Tia of the Changelyng
(please pardon my typos, ran out of time)

[zocchihedron.livejournal.com]

You need to get an intermediate to communicate with the other two. There is a specific reason why they're unable to communicate with you, but it depends on the circumstances which've contributed to the evolution of your system.

I'd be more than willing to serve as an intermeiate online if you cannot find anyone else willing to do so; I have done it before through a text based medium(email) as well as through a gaming application(Ultima Online, a roleplaying game). It's quite possible to communicate with the other two through a recorded measure, but it's still ultimately their decision.

[niteofsyn.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the offer. Let me see if the post-it notes or the letter works first. I'd be happy to try it then.

-C.J.

[zocchihedron.livejournal.com]

That's not a problem, as I wouldn't want to force you into anything.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

As some pretty personal info has been given out (albeit scrambled) in comments to this post I wonder if you would have any objections to locking this post friends-only. All community members will still be able to see it. As it stands now this post is visible to anyone online.

I'd have locked it myself but that is not something admins are permitted to do.

And yes. Leaving notes is your best bet if you can't talk directly to them. I've had friends use everything from a notebook by the bed to post-its, a whiteboard, or one of those mini tape things to record memos to yourself.

The specific reason why they can't communicate may turn out to be purely technical rather than psychological.

These people need to know that you are no longer denying their existence and that you wish to communicate. Strength and luck to you.