Memory's Lament

[chainsaw-hime.livejournal.com]

(crossposted to our own personal journal, wherein it is filter-locked).

What have I become,
my dearest friend
Everyone I know goes away in the end...

It happened to each of the lettered Ginas shortly after their activations. It even happened to Tarnish shortly after she was admitted into our system.

Now it's happening to me. I've got a bit of an identity crisis going on here.

I have many of the memories of all our former selves combined. Of all of us, I am probably the closest to integrated of them all. And now I am with the sudden realization that I don't know who I am or what my plans are for my... our... life.

Over the past couple weeks things have been really setting in that the entire system is nothing like who we used to be. I've gained the perspective that comes with the entire set of emotions. I've also learned that several people outside the system have changed as well... and regardless of how wonderful my memories of them are... they aren't the same people anymore either. My perspective has become separated from them, especially since those people I knew at a time when I dervied alot of my sense of self from those around me... I would like to believe it is not a conformity so much as much as an osmosis. Only now, those anchors I had are no longer present, washed to different corners of the multiverse and... though it is not their fault I feel adrift, I cannot help but wonder where my place is.

We spent so long with the influence of others, that we lose our ability to find our own way. Without a guide, I drift, only occasionally really caring where I am not, but usually just focusing on the day-to-day. I know this isn't the first time I've felt like this. I want to reach out... but I don't know who, if anybody, has their hand out for me.

Comments

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

A bunch of things have changed in our lives the last few years. We were told and shaped to be a certain way, some people's expectations molded our definitions of who we are... they are now gone from our life. For the first time ever, there is no plan, no expectations beyond what we choose. No demands but those we choose to welcome. Suddenly the clay finds itself without another's hands shaping it.

We felt lost for a long time. We lived day-to-day for a long time. It is healing. Gives you time for self/selves discovery. When you're ready you'll start creating a place and form of your own choosing. You are the clay; you are the artist.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

We have had system reorganizations like that. It can feel pretty strange, especially to frontrunners. It will not always be like this. *points to what shatterstorm said, particularly the last paragraph* It's like currents on a river. Take it easy and float for a while.

[changelyng14.livejournal.com]

Changes, ick.
Life happens. People grow, and people go.
It turns out, thats all I was. a change, a new city, a new start, and a new face.

I hate losing good friends too. I have this way of self-editing my memories to remember the good times. To the point where I still feel close to people I haven't seen in years and will likely never see again.

-Lovecry