New guys...
Apr. 26th, 2005 03:57 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
penguin001.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
multiplicity_archivesOk, we've been lurking for awhile, so I figured we should make our introductions.
I'm Joshua. I suppose you would consider me the host. For as long as I can remember, I've had several others with me. Though they can recall when they came about as well as why, I can't. Of course my memory is the best, especially as of late. We've always had a stricture about not invading each other unless there was a good reason. Not that it would work because I've found that if one of us wants to lock something away, it gets locked away.
We've lived a very chaotic life; and as most others have, I've tried to begin to share our truths with other people. Only a couple know, and only because they figured it out. Why? Because they care.
I'll give you a brief history of our system, as it can be complex trying to work backwards.
I, Joshua, was alone. I wasn't capable of taking care of myself, physically nor psychologically. That is supposedly when the first came. He never really had a name. He didn't like to talk to others outside of me. He never wanted control of the body unless it was to help me. Later in life, still being alone (as the other I had wasn't much fun), along came another. This one had a name: Joe. Joe acts like a little kid, enjoys life, but is still geared towards always doing the right thing. A little kid of a conscience if you will. He's always there for me, talking, trying to enjoy life. We'd switch and he could have fun. Again, if anything ever happened, the 2nd would come out to protect us both.
As I grew older, and became a teenager, it seemed as though the 2nd became more and more vocal, even wanting to take over more. I had no problems with this. I learned how to draw on his strength in order to take on the world. How to train my body and my mind. Or at least I thought that was what I was doing. Then it started happening.
I wish I didn't have the memories that I did, I wish I would have had more control. But I was told that what I was didn't even exist. You see, I have a lot of family in the psychology field, and from what they said, all people with multiples were actors and liars. I had problems lying in order to gain acceptance, but this was something I kept quiet. Something I probably shouldn't have.
What I thought was the 2nd one was called Fire. Fire was strong, and to me, sounded and thought a lot like the 2nd. So I thought they were the same. After taking advantage of several people, I realized I had to get it under control. I didn't want it gone, as Fire seemed to have my strength (remember, I, Joshua, still think these are just a single person).
I eventually grew strong fighting it, fighting back that side of me. Though not strong enough. At times Joe would go off to fight with it, leaving me alone. I knew it was for the best, so I kept me head up. I would be tired, so very tired. No one knew why. And I liked it like that. Fire liked it like that. It would want to harm others, and I instead would use myself as the target.
This alternation of dealing with things worked... Really... ignore the number of people I've hurt and the divorce (though that was actually more her than me, oddly enough, but the splits that she didn't know about didn't help things any).
Then, a my system really hurt a person that cared, that I care deeply about. Fire hurt her. For that, it had to die. It was soon after that I realized Fire and the 2nd weren't the same. Actually, she realized it. She figured out that there were several of us. She's the one person the 2nd would talk to. She called him the Protector. As that's what he did, protect me, as well as those I care about.
Fire, though drawing on a lot of the feeling I had towards the protector, took advantage of myself and those around me. After much insight, discussion between all of us, it was realized that Fire was a demon. One that found its way in because of who I am, and the people that I effect.
It was thusly kicked out and rejected by the very love that also revealed it for what it was.
After a short amount of time of things being somewhat ok, I wanted my life to start to feel whole. I wanted to be myself. The Protector and Joe were going to become a part of me, and we could be one.
At least that was the thought. It was too much at once. I couldn't handle it, and split Joe back out. I don't completely have the strength that the protector did, but I realized, that's because it's his strength, and I can't take it. However, I have learned to better take care of myself.
So, now there are the two of us. Joe stays silent, at least around others. He wants me to be better, as that's his purpose. Well, that and have fun. But we should always have fun. And with only one other, my head is so much more quiet than when there were four of us total. I feel more at peace. Though still 2 wholes in one, I feel better knowing I'm more complete as a person.
And no, I'm not seeing anyone yet, but I will start soon. I'm in a different state now, and I have someone that actually will listen and help me be a complete person again. Joe will eventually go, and hopefully help someone else that needs it.
I'm Joshua. I suppose you would consider me the host. For as long as I can remember, I've had several others with me. Though they can recall when they came about as well as why, I can't. Of course my memory is the best, especially as of late. We've always had a stricture about not invading each other unless there was a good reason. Not that it would work because I've found that if one of us wants to lock something away, it gets locked away.
We've lived a very chaotic life; and as most others have, I've tried to begin to share our truths with other people. Only a couple know, and only because they figured it out. Why? Because they care.
I'll give you a brief history of our system, as it can be complex trying to work backwards.
I, Joshua, was alone. I wasn't capable of taking care of myself, physically nor psychologically. That is supposedly when the first came. He never really had a name. He didn't like to talk to others outside of me. He never wanted control of the body unless it was to help me. Later in life, still being alone (as the other I had wasn't much fun), along came another. This one had a name: Joe. Joe acts like a little kid, enjoys life, but is still geared towards always doing the right thing. A little kid of a conscience if you will. He's always there for me, talking, trying to enjoy life. We'd switch and he could have fun. Again, if anything ever happened, the 2nd would come out to protect us both.
As I grew older, and became a teenager, it seemed as though the 2nd became more and more vocal, even wanting to take over more. I had no problems with this. I learned how to draw on his strength in order to take on the world. How to train my body and my mind. Or at least I thought that was what I was doing. Then it started happening.
I wish I didn't have the memories that I did, I wish I would have had more control. But I was told that what I was didn't even exist. You see, I have a lot of family in the psychology field, and from what they said, all people with multiples were actors and liars. I had problems lying in order to gain acceptance, but this was something I kept quiet. Something I probably shouldn't have.
What I thought was the 2nd one was called Fire. Fire was strong, and to me, sounded and thought a lot like the 2nd. So I thought they were the same. After taking advantage of several people, I realized I had to get it under control. I didn't want it gone, as Fire seemed to have my strength (remember, I, Joshua, still think these are just a single person).
I eventually grew strong fighting it, fighting back that side of me. Though not strong enough. At times Joe would go off to fight with it, leaving me alone. I knew it was for the best, so I kept me head up. I would be tired, so very tired. No one knew why. And I liked it like that. Fire liked it like that. It would want to harm others, and I instead would use myself as the target.
This alternation of dealing with things worked... Really... ignore the number of people I've hurt and the divorce (though that was actually more her than me, oddly enough, but the splits that she didn't know about didn't help things any).
Then, a my system really hurt a person that cared, that I care deeply about. Fire hurt her. For that, it had to die. It was soon after that I realized Fire and the 2nd weren't the same. Actually, she realized it. She figured out that there were several of us. She's the one person the 2nd would talk to. She called him the Protector. As that's what he did, protect me, as well as those I care about.
Fire, though drawing on a lot of the feeling I had towards the protector, took advantage of myself and those around me. After much insight, discussion between all of us, it was realized that Fire was a demon. One that found its way in because of who I am, and the people that I effect.
It was thusly kicked out and rejected by the very love that also revealed it for what it was.
After a short amount of time of things being somewhat ok, I wanted my life to start to feel whole. I wanted to be myself. The Protector and Joe were going to become a part of me, and we could be one.
At least that was the thought. It was too much at once. I couldn't handle it, and split Joe back out. I don't completely have the strength that the protector did, but I realized, that's because it's his strength, and I can't take it. However, I have learned to better take care of myself.
So, now there are the two of us. Joe stays silent, at least around others. He wants me to be better, as that's his purpose. Well, that and have fun. But we should always have fun. And with only one other, my head is so much more quiet than when there were four of us total. I feel more at peace. Though still 2 wholes in one, I feel better knowing I'm more complete as a person.
And no, I'm not seeing anyone yet, but I will start soon. I'm in a different state now, and I have someone that actually will listen and help me be a complete person again. Joe will eventually go, and hopefully help someone else that needs it.
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no subject
Date: 2005-04-27 03:12 am (UTC)It's rough when people want what they want, and aren't open to the truth of how things really are. Especially when those people are family. I'm glad there's a group of people here that are awesome.
When you say die, do you mean – Fire was healed or transformed in some way so as not to have such an impact from within the psyche?
I ment that his voice and control had to be silenced from our system. I (Joshua) couldn't allow him to harm anyone again. I'm the head of the system, and so feel that I have final say in what should happen.
When you say ‘a demon’ how do you think that occurred?
It started when I got out from underneat my dad (wise move) and started studying religion without a guide. I opened myself up to spirits that shouldn't be allowed in. Actions in my past and things it promised both made it sound good. So I opened up to it. And I thought it was part of the Protector, the side that kept me safe. However, when it opened doors for me, it shut doors on others. Not the way the Protector took care of things.
Though I will share one incident in which the fighting got physical. I was kissing this girl (she is actually the one Fire hurt, this is after it hurt her, and after she knew), and I ended up on top of her, kissing her. I was tired, and blanked out. When I'm tired, usually one of the others would stand up and act so that I could rest mentally.
Fire was the one that stepped up. I didn't realize it. It started doing things I (nor Joe, and never the Protector, as he was not interested in girls) would not do to a girl I care about and respect. She was filled with fear and pushed up. At the same moment Protector sensed that fear, he jerked my body away. The feeling that I remember (for what I remember), it seemed as if someone grabbed my shoulders and threw me off. I ended up in a corner, warring with myself loudly.
Eventually I regained control, after being woke up by Joe.
And she is still a part of my life... Despite all this and more...
Are you using the idea of a demon metaphorically in order to describe a centre of awareness within your psyche? Are they an actual demon or demon-like?
I'm referring to a spiritual demon, a being of evil.
Are you able to be yourself and share the psyche with others who wish to be themselves at the same time?
The Protector wanted what was best for me, always looking out for me and those I care about. Joe... I'm not sure. He doesn't seem to care to remain quiet for the most part as long as I communicate with him and let him out to have fun from time to time. I think that in being myself, it allows the others to be themselves. I just have to remember to share.
Are you able to be complete as a self within the psyche, as well as allowing others their own completeness? Perhsaps you just need more time alone up front…
This is so true, needing more time I mean. The hardest thing is the noise and confusion. Again, the Protector is complete in me... well... being protected and taken care of. Joe wants everything to be fun and good. And to have fun himself.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-27 03:12 am (UTC)Actually he is seeing someone this weekend! But shhh, no one is supposed to know that he's going to do something totally awesome for her! Aside from kiss her. hehe - joe
Heh, yeah... Thanks... You know, I've never been able to actually let him respond to something at the same time I do.
You mean California?….. (shut up Witt. It’s not funny.)!
Actually Arkansas.
Noooo! The state-that-shall-not-be-named! Great work, but horrible state. - joe
When you say Joe will go….where to? If he was going to help someone else (outside?) who needed it, then he would be still within your psyche would he not? Perhaps Joe can help you have the extra time you need….
I say he will go... I don't like the thought of them just being quiet forever, I'd rather think that they have been integrated into me or that they go help others. The Protector has been integrated. Joe... I don't know what will happen to him. I'd like to think that he will help someeone else, however I know that he will either stay silent or be integrated. Not actually leaving my psyche.
*blinks* I just want everything to be ok, for him to have fun, and do the right thing, while having fun ^_^ ... - joe
no subject
Date: 2005-04-27 11:03 am (UTC)(though I do think that in the case of Fire you were right to silence him, since he had hurt you and your loved ones repeatingly).
no subject
Date: 2005-04-27 01:36 pm (UTC)Anyway, it's cool that you shared your story with us. We understand trying to integrate and being unable to... We've "integrated" a lot of people because our shrink was pushing it, and not only did they come back, but new insiders were created, too.
Anyway, it's totally cool to meet you.
Carlos (of The People)
no subject
Date: 2005-04-27 10:57 pm (UTC)what he means is we tell him what to do! -joe
Yeah, something like that, and I take their perspectives into consideration. Why? Because I don't think of everything.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-27 11:03 pm (UTC)Yeah, currently we're just 2, with one integrated and one silented. When there were 4, I think that there was more than enough voices, I'm not sure if I could handle to many more...
It's a pleasure meeting you.
Joshua
Oh oh! all of us coming together completely would've been very much unfun. The nice thing about not having a shrink is that we can come and go as we please. making our decisions our own is nice. we're kinda nervous about talking to someone, but due to the stuff that happened early in life with Joshua, we know we need it. Fun meeting all of you! - joe
no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 01:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 01:43 pm (UTC)-Casey
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Date: 2005-04-28 01:45 pm (UTC)-Casey
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Date: 2005-04-28 08:44 pm (UTC)