New guys...

[penguin001.livejournal.com]

Ok, we've been lurking for awhile, so I figured we should make our introductions.

I'm Joshua. I suppose you would consider me the host. For as long as I can remember, I've had several others with me. Though they can recall when they came about as well as why, I can't. Of course my memory is the best, especially as of late. We've always had a stricture about not invading each other unless there was a good reason. Not that it would work because I've found that if one of us wants to lock something away, it gets locked away.

We've lived a very chaotic life; and as most others have, I've tried to begin to share our truths with other people. Only a couple know, and only because they figured it out. Why? Because they care.

I'll give you a brief history of our system, as it can be complex trying to work backwards.

I, Joshua, was alone. I wasn't capable of taking care of myself, physically nor psychologically. That is supposedly when the first came. He never really had a name. He didn't like to talk to others outside of me. He never wanted control of the body unless it was to help me. Later in life, still being alone (as the other I had wasn't much fun), along came another. This one had a name: Joe. Joe acts like a little kid, enjoys life, but is still geared towards always doing the right thing. A little kid of a conscience if you will. He's always there for me, talking, trying to enjoy life. We'd switch and he could have fun. Again, if anything ever happened, the 2nd would come out to protect us both.

As I grew older, and became a teenager, it seemed as though the 2nd became more and more vocal, even wanting to take over more. I had no problems with this. I learned how to draw on his strength in order to take on the world. How to train my body and my mind. Or at least I thought that was what I was doing. Then it started happening.

I wish I didn't have the memories that I did, I wish I would have had more control. But I was told that what I was didn't even exist. You see, I have a lot of family in the psychology field, and from what they said, all people with multiples were actors and liars. I had problems lying in order to gain acceptance, but this was something I kept quiet. Something I probably shouldn't have.

What I thought was the 2nd one was called Fire. Fire was strong, and to me, sounded and thought a lot like the 2nd. So I thought they were the same. After taking advantage of several people, I realized I had to get it under control. I didn't want it gone, as Fire seemed to have my strength (remember, I, Joshua, still think these are just a single person).

I eventually grew strong fighting it, fighting back that side of me. Though not strong enough. At times Joe would go off to fight with it, leaving me alone. I knew it was for the best, so I kept me head up. I would be tired, so very tired. No one knew why. And I liked it like that. Fire liked it like that. It would want to harm others, and I instead would use myself as the target.

This alternation of dealing with things worked... Really... ignore the number of people I've hurt and the divorce (though that was actually more her than me, oddly enough, but the splits that she didn't know about didn't help things any).

Then, a my system really hurt a person that cared, that I care deeply about. Fire hurt her. For that, it had to die. It was soon after that I realized Fire and the 2nd weren't the same. Actually, she realized it. She figured out that there were several of us. She's the one person the 2nd would talk to. She called him the Protector. As that's what he did, protect me, as well as those I care about.

Fire, though drawing on a lot of the feeling I had towards the protector, took advantage of myself and those around me. After much insight, discussion between all of us, it was realized that Fire was a demon. One that found its way in because of who I am, and the people that I effect.

It was thusly kicked out and rejected by the very love that also revealed it for what it was.

After a short amount of time of things being somewhat ok, I wanted my life to start to feel whole. I wanted to be myself. The Protector and Joe were going to become a part of me, and we could be one.

At least that was the thought. It was too much at once. I couldn't handle it, and split Joe back out. I don't completely have the strength that the protector did, but I realized, that's because it's his strength, and I can't take it. However, I have learned to better take care of myself.

So, now there are the two of us. Joe stays silent, at least around others. He wants me to be better, as that's his purpose. Well, that and have fun. But we should always have fun. And with only one other, my head is so much more quiet than when there were four of us total. I feel more at peace. Though still 2 wholes in one, I feel better knowing I'm more complete as a person.

And no, I'm not seeing anyone yet, but I will start soon. I'm in a different state now, and I have someone that actually will listen and help me be a complete person again. Joe will eventually go, and hopefully help someone else that needs it.