multiplicity_archives | Aug. 10th, 2007

I guess this is both an introductory post and a request for insight.

I don't know if I have DID or MPD or BPD or anything like that. Right now I'm just a guy who's having a hard time dealing with... well, himself, I guess.

Let me break it down, and maybe some of you could tell me if it makes any sense.

I'm a nice guy. I have self esteem issues, but I'm usually really positive. Outgoing. Friendly. Very optimistic. I think I can make my life better by making others' lives better, and that I have a lot of value even if I don't always feel that way. By my own reckoning, I'm a good, worthwhile person.

And all of that pretty much changes if I become sexually excited.

I turn into the most wanton individual I can personally conceive of. I engage in self-injurious behaviour, both physically and emotionally. Promiscuity with strangers and unprotected sex come into play far too frequently. I absolutely loathe myself, think myself utterly worthless, and seek to hurt myself by doing these things. Oftentimes, in the heat of the moment, I'll positively delight at how much this is going to upset me when I become my usual self again. I don't just hate myself at the time, I hate the self that isn't who I am at the time. I want to hurt him, and make him suffer, and afflict him with the ramifications of my actions.

I say 'him', but they're both me. Just... I don't know. I never lose time, for one thing. I never feel like I'm acting against my own will (though I do often feel both the cruel elation and despair of my 'two selves' at the same time). It just feels like I become... a different me. Like it's the same mind, only a different shape.

I admit, I'm... well, it's too strong to say 'skeptical' about DID/etc. I'm deeply undecided, not having been convinced either way. These experiences, which I've been having with increasing regularity since I was a teenager, make me wonder.

I'd appreciate any advice you can give. Slowly but surely, I'm (he's) getting worse all the time. So far I've been lucky enough that I only suffer socially, not medically, but it really is only a matter of luck. I'm going to have to find a therapist, no matter what's said here, but I'd like your insights before I start down that road.

Thank you very much, in advance.

-Adam