writing with not certainty of response

[riagoose.livejournal.com]

I'm here because I've lived my life knowing something was different about me. I don't know if it's multiple personalities, but I'll tell you about it because I hope someone will understand.

I have definite voices in my head that say things to me that I must listen to. Things about how I look or who I am or should be. Sometimes luring me into punishing myself for the things I do or think or say. The voices aren't always speaking but I know they are there.

I remember very little of what happened in the past. I remember definite bits and pieces and sometimes large pieces of time, but people will ask me what I thought of a movie I guess I'd seen or something I'd done and I just don't remember doing any of it at all.

Most of the memories I do have are of me watching myself do things and that's the weirdest thing to explain. Like I'm above everything watching from above and not really there.

I get this welling feeling like something really terrible is going to happen and then something will emerge like screaching wailing tearful childlike crying. It isn't me and it isn't who I would choose to be or how I necessarily feel, but I'm being stomped out by this other part of me that is weasling it's way out--I'll be helpless and limp and cling to my husband and then I won't remember anything until I wake up the next day or so and everything is 'normal' again. Sometimes I'll rage around when I am feeling quite content and happy and have no way to stop myself...

I do things that I'm not aware of at all--like all of a sudden I am looking at a screen/paper full of beautiful sorrowful poetry and writing that isn't mine and doesn't come from me and I don't know how it got there and my husband says I was writing it...it was me, but not...I struggle to write anything and stop to erase and scribble out words and it takes me hours to write one poem when I myself try to write.

ok maybe I'm saying to much and maybe I'm going to be deemed a weirdo or something for admitting this, I don't know what it is...But I need to get on with life and I can't ignore these things any longer.
Ria