Thinking out loud

[angie-the-red.livejournal.com]

So, I've read both Astrea and Blackbirds, and things are slowly kind of falling into place. I'm trying to make sense out of the various things in my head. Reviewing all of that, and some very diligent meditation on various points, has led me to believe that I am not a singlet. Can I absolutely say that I'm a complete multiple? Not sure I'm to that point yet. At the moment, I think that I would consider myself a median, if I'm interpreting things correctly. A few of the things that really stuck out, that I hadn't mentioned previously, were certain abilities, and handwriting. Using these, I feel certain of one other, and she has her own personality, but I'm not sure how independant she is. This is going to take a lot of puzzling, so if I get too wordy just poke me with a sharp stick or something. *g*

Under normal circumstances I can't draw a straight line, much less anything else. However, there is something I can tap into, call up, whatever, and if I keep that up front, then I can draw exceptionally well. But as soon as I release that, it's back to scribbling like my 8 year old. I have to stay in that "zone" and it's almost an obsessive thing, and if I lose it, then I have to wait until it decides to come back. I'm not sure how developed this one is. She doesn't talk much, just kind of shows up and I really have to hang on to her when she does, she doesn't like to be interrupted.

The handwriting was another thing that gave me quite a bit of pause. If I go back and read my journal that I kept, I can see at least three different styles of handwriting. One is very clean and crisp, the loops are there, but tight, and it all flows beautifully. One is what I would call my usual handwriting, it's sloppy, it has nice large loops, the y's and p's are triangular on the bottom loops, there are hooks all over the place. Then there is a third one that is all printing. Very boxy. There is also one that is a mix of the sloppy one and the print. I don't recall any conscious decision to change my handwriting, and was actually quite surprised to see the very crisp, neat one in my journal. The tone during those entries is very clinical. Making observations, but not expressing any emotion.

The boxy print takes up nearly two years, but is interrupted in places by the mixed one. The mixed one is very melodramatic. The boxy print is secretive. Nothing is specific. In fact, it's half sentences in many places. It used plenty of emotion, but no names, and no definitive descriptions. It's incredibly vague about everything. You would think I was practicing to be a secret agent! And I remember the things I was writing about. I think this script belongs to the one that I can really say is seperate and most well defined. She's the one I usually feel driving, when I'm the one in the back seat. She's all about bravado, and she's fiercely protective. She's the one that I have no control over her coming up, and on the other hand, looking back, I think I can sometimes sense her pushing up front, but I sure as heck can't stop her. I feel like once she's said her piece, I can move her back and then the usual me has to do some damage control. Then again, since she isn't dependant on me, then that wouldn't make me a median, would it?

So, I'm off to ponder some more and see about the artist and also on my suspicion of who the elegant writing belongs to.

Comments

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

Ever try that stuff called automatic writing? Sometimes when we aren't communicating easily we can use that as a tool to talk with one another... we've used a pendulum too.

[pengke.livejournal.com]

Don't get too hung up on the variations in handwriting and start saying things like "I must be Person A because I'm writing in X style".

My handwriting goes all over the place just because it does. Another of us has a distinct handwriting style even though she's rarely the one who is physically writing her letters. Although she is out of luck when she's dictating to Lucas because he always uses chicken scratch and doesn't care how pretty she wants her letters to be.

[angie-the-red.livejournal.com]

It wasn't necessarily the handwriting itself (though it is interesting from a handwriting analysis standpoint), as much as the style of writing. It's hard to clarify that. The personality behind the writing is what I'm seeing. The crisp writing is very analytical, with very little emotion noted at all in the entries. It was written as if by a person detached from the situation. Which is different from the rest of the entries. The printed ones have plenty of emotion. But the printed one is more angry. Very much arguing why we should just leave, that we/I deserve better, Someday we wil have the world at our feet. Can be anything. Get out of hellsville and do something! etc. Where as the loopy cursive is kind of bleak. The print definitely has a developed personality of it's own.

I'm actually kind of happy that we didn't have internet then. These days, I type everything. My work, everything I do is on computer. I can't remember the last time I had to hand write a note.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

You're the only one who can decide whether these are independent people or not. According to lilairen, being median isn't just a matter of having a system with a variety of people all of whom are dependent on one person. It might be more like, well, this:
http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/median.html

(Also up at Pavilion, here (http://www.karitas.net/pavilion/library/articles/m_median_kiya0405.html).

[morgil-lomion.livejournal.com]

I really found that interesting. We experience many of the same feelings in certain ways, in others, not. Perhaps, at times, we resemble being median, and at others not. Yes, on further internal discusion sometimes we are median. Sometimes almost single(but never quite completely) and most times truely multiple.

We thank you for a most enlightening link!

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

You're very welcome. That was sent to us last month and we just now got around to putting it up. It is the best description of being median that we have ever seen, and we thank lilairen again for it.

[angie-the-red.livejournal.com]

It really aptly describes what I've been feeling off and on. What was making me wonder about the possibilities and to begin questioning. The descriptions were just wonderfully worded and very skillfully communicated the feelings behind them.

[kiya]

*blushes and kicks floor*
*grin*

[angie-the-red.livejournal.com]

After reading that, all I can say is...

whoa...

perhaps I integrate and unintegrate constantly, in ever-shifting patterns

I think this may be dead on.

I identified strongly with the first part of that story.

Around 15, I suddenly decided to go by a different name. I arbitrarily picked it, and was very insistant that everyon euse that name when addressing me, because that was who I was. I kept that name for roughly 3 years. The only person who didn't use that name was my fiance, and he insisted on using my middle name, because when I was with him, I "wasn't E, I was C." That he had seen E and I wasn't her.

And that would actually make sense. It was a very difficult time, and he was the only person I really felt safe with. So if in fact E was up front, then when I was with him may well have been the only time C felt safe enough to be up front. I would pay good money to be able to ask him now if he could clarify that a little more and see if he felt I might be plural.

E's time would coincide with the time of the boxy print in my journals.

E kind of faded into Angie when I met and began dating my hubby. Eventually I quite telling everyone to call me E and started telling them to call me Angie, because (yes this is what I said), "I really don't feel like that's who I am most of the time anymore. I'm Angie."