multiplicity_archives | x-posted to personal LJ: Wishes, Dreams, and Memories of a Life Not Lived

Every year, around April, I make a powerful wish in hopes of achieving some degree of wisdom about my situation. I have been trying to reclaim my sense of self, so my wish was to recall the knowledge and wisdom of my past editions.

Saturday night, I had a very vivid and completely nonsensical dream about the Batman mythos. The dream itself didn't make any sense, but it didn't have to. It was solely to distract me while twenty-five years of knowledge was funnelled back into my mind at a rate that surely would have me in sensory overload if I had been thinking of the information as it came in.

I remember... alot more about my past now. This was not just an opening of the floodgates, this was a sky-is-falling rain wall, a deluge of memories streaming back into my mind. I am seeing orange, green, and yellow where once there was only black and white... I remember the events of the dreams during my teenage years... I remember... the people I once was and the facades I tried to show to the world.

I remember when Beta met with Tarnish in the astral desert. I remember when she joined me in my mind... I remember trying to integrate with her.

I remember that it failed.

Miserably.

Tarnish claims she did not remember the attempt. I don't know if she sabotaged Beta like she did Gamma and just doesn't want to tell me, or if the failed integration damaged her as well. I am... skeptical, and she says she understands, but... she says that when it comes time for Epsilon, she wants us to integrate. Needless to say, her track record isn't that good right now, and I don't know whether or not to trust her. But, I don't see the upgrade to Epsilon as being for a while, so...

But in other memories, I have recovered alot of my past selves, enough to really be able to say I did something. Alpha, Beta, Gamma, myself, even the Ancient ones that were under the impression that they were the only and original mind. I can now count the number of times my mind has shattered and been replaced. That number is at least ten, eleven if you count Alpha's upgrade to Beta.

I should be glad that I have regained so much knowledge that I thought had been lost to the mists. Yet instead, it saddens me.