(no subject)

[karma-silenced.livejournal.com]

Hi, I just joined. I have about 10 or more people right now. I guess my system's name is Enigma or sometimes Ambhuruham. Our other collective livejournal is called ambhuruham. It's friends only because it has really weird and triggering stuff in it. This is my (Kat's) livejournal. I'm almost always in front. Especially since we have to go to school and such. Umm... I'm not diagnosed with DID and I don't think I have it. I mean, it's hard to explain... but it's different, I think. (More about that in a bit.) The other people in here are becoming more and more articulate and defined, so I decided I needed some support. So hi.. :)


Umm... there's someone in here named Yuri. She really hates me. She yells at me a lot and cuts me and makes me throw up and do things I don't want to do. I was just wondering... how do I make her go away? I mean... I kind of don't want her to leave because I know I won't be okay without her. But how can I make myself okay without her and make her leave? It's really scary sometimes... I don't know...

She wrote this:
"I hate you Kat. I hate everything about you. I even hate myself because I am part of you. You shouldn't even be here. You're the opposite of what's right. You... you mess everything up. Nothing's good anymore because you make it bad. You know what you do is wrong, but you're too weak to change it. You should get nothing you want and everything you don't. I'm glad that everything happened. I'm SO FUCKING GLAD. Because it makes me happy to see you hurt. And it makes me happy that you will always be hurt. Because you deserve it. You're bad. I'm not going to let you have friends. I'm not going to let you be happy. I'm not going to let you have anything until you are perfect. You are so fucking LUCKY that you have me... because I am your only chance. Without me, you are lost. Without me, you couldn't survive."

This is a list of the people I know of that are in here:
Yuri- She scares me sometimes. She doesn't like me.
Kat- Me. I don't know what to say about myself... heh...
Kiki- She's very silly sometimes.
Lilly- She is nice and patient knows a lot.
Rika- She protects and stops conflicts. Very emotionally stable.
Miasti- She is a shapeshifter. She likes being a wolf the most.
Kamala- She's very calm and smart kind of like Lilly. They talk a lot.
Kira- She is older and is a beautiful personality. She protects too.
Mark- He's a good friend. I talk to him a lot.
JHY/Jay- He can be offensive sometimes, but he's pretty funny.
Little girl with no name yet- She's very quiet and gets scared easily. She's little.

We used to have someone named Jackie. She was very nice. But she died. I don't know why though. :( RIP...

For us, it's kind of like the disassociative barriers are very weak. They are getting stronger though. It's like, I can see memories when someone else has been in front, but it wasn't me there. I can hear the other people's thoughts, but I can't always understand them and I don't always agree with them. When we communicate to each other, we can send each other emotions and thoughts and make each other understand exactly how we feel. Most of the time, if someone other than me wants to write or speak or do something, I only let them do it through me, if that makes sense? Sometimes Yuri fronts though.

There's a bunch of blocked off stuff inside here. Sometimes we have very fuzzy memories about being raped and abused and stuff. The rape memories might be false though, because there's no evidence that something like that ever happened. I get really scared and I'm very paranoid. I don't let anyone touch our body at all. I'm always afraid that people want to hurt us.


That's all about us for now. If anyone wants to talk, my AIM sns are ParadoxRegina and VirtualWolf.

Love,
KittyKat

X-Posted to alter_paradox

Comments

[ex-kiota.livejournal.com]

She reminds me a lot of a girl we/I used to have, she called herself The Mask... and she helped me survive for a long time before she started getting abusive. She had an attitude that seems similiar to Yuri - that I ruin everything, I wouldn't survive without her, etc. She's gone now. I'm not sure why. She just kind of faded away.

About Yuri... I don't think you really CAN get rid of her. Maybe you can get the group to pressure her into stopping abusing you, set some rules she has to abide by - no harming the body, etc. If she doesn't abide by them, maybe you or someone else from the group could keep her from fronting?

[karma-silenced.livejournal.com]

We try, but she fronts anyway. She's the strongest person here, I think. If we made rules for her, I think that would offend her and make her upset because SHE'S the one that makes rules for ME. *Shrugs* I think I should just talk to her more and understand... and get Kira to stand up to her.