(no subject)

[bizamoogie.livejournal.com]

Over the past few days, I've been paying really close attention to myself and my people. What I've realized is that I am not multiple. I don't have people in my head, I don't have a house, I don't hear voices. All I have is a different way of thinking whenever I become one of my people. I'll become Lori and I'll see things as Lori does. I'll think the way she thinks. It'll be more comfortable to hold my body the way she does. But it's still me. It's the same with Sarena. I'll become Sarena and suddenly, I don't need to talk. The world seems brighter and I feel happier. But I'm still me. So I'm not multiple. I don't know what I am, but I'm not multiple. Sorry for leading you guys on.

-Heather

EDIT:::
My biggest problem right now is, one of my people cheated on my husband with two different guys in the same week while he was involved in Army stuffs. Now he thinks I did it on purpose (and wants me to give him permission to have an affair to make it 'even') and I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't even know I'd done it and was in denial of it for months after I found evidence of it occuring. Me, as myself, would never ever cheat on him.

Comments

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Y'know, I have a habit. I'll say to my mate, "What if I'm not real. what if my memories are fake, what if I'm just some part of Lu. How could I live with having lied to you like that."

He'd always say that I didn't know, so it wasn't a lie, and he still loved me no matter what.

You haven't led anyone on. You believed it. Nobody can hold that against you. You may wish to look into dissociation as a general concept.

[bizamoogie.livejournal.com]

I told my husband last night about me thinking I've been lying about it. He said he never beleived it anyway. I've edited my post to add some more information

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Were you aware of this happening? Could you have prevented it? If so then he maybe has a right to be upset. Hell, even if you were multiple he has a right to be upset. If I cheat on our fiance, then that is my responsibility, but also Lu's.

If you weren't able to prevent it etc, the you may wish to look into DID. While he has a right to be upset, it's not something I would regard as right to hold against you. He CERTAINLY has NO right to demand he 'make it even'. I'm hoping he's not serious in that regard.

[bizamoogie.livejournal.com]

I don't even *remember* it happening. It may just be that I chose to forget it, which is something I am very capable of doing.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

He shouldn't really be holding it against you, rather trying to find a way to make sure it doesn't happen again. If I were him I'd be feeling very insecure and worried right now.

No excuse for the "let me have an affair" thing.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

It's hard for you and for him.

I agree that multiplicity is not really the core issue here in your relationship - if you were multiple, you-all-as-a-group would have a responsibility to deal with how to handle this kind of thing - and so would he.

And if you're not multiple but having some *other* dynamic around it (depersonalization, dissociation, etc.) you also have a responsibility to deal with it - and so does he.

I think my suggestion would be to try to give him some reassurance that you are going to put your life energy towards figuring it out and making sure he can count on you keeping your word (whatever that turns out to mean), but that it is going to take a lot of time and exploration and that as your husband, you hope he will step up to the plate and be supportive. And ask him what reassurance he needs. And tell him what you need.

We've been there. It's really, really hard. But you can work through it.

I do recommend some kind of therapy to work through this, and it might help to delay the label/decision on multiple/not-multiple. Why not leave it *for now* as "this is how my life seems to be operating" and go from there? I certainly don't think you owe anyone any apologies for exploring possibilities. :)

Hang in there.

jeesh

[fairybluebird.livejournal.com]

what a dick.

i mean, no offense, i'm sure he's a great guy and you love him and so forth. but if i told someone i was multiple and then later on i was like "oh i think i was wrong" and they were all "yeah, i never believed you," i'd be pissed off. what do you mean you never believed it? jesus.

i also don't like the idea of people just humoring me while they think they know my business :) whether they're right or not, that just seems rude.

why did you tell him you were "lying" about it? if you thought you were multiple and now you don't think that, you weren't lying about it or leading anyone on.

[mysticeden.livejournal.com]

but isn;t that what DID is? maybe you should talk to a therapist or soemthing.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

DID, yes. she's saying she's not multiple. She's right in a way because DID is not IMO multiplicity in the majority of cases.

[mysticeden.livejournal.com]

Except that in the DSMV IV TR DID is MPD.

I agree they are different but either one is still a disorder and shoule be treated like one.. I guess i'm pissed of at the husband.

[bizamoogie.livejournal.com]

I have one doctor telling me that I have Depersonalization disorder and Dissociatve Identity Disorder and another telling me I have Multiple Personalities. I just don't know anymore.

[mysticeden.livejournal.com]

well if you live in the states thier both the same thing in the DSMV

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

And the DSM is a big pile of poo :) It's only used in America. I believe the international version, the ICD, still has MPD.

However, multiplicity is not neccisarily MPD either. So saying Multiple = MPD = DID isn't in any way a correct equation.

[mysticeden.livejournal.com]

I know the ICd still has DID and MPD but I'm studying to be a psychologist in the sates so the good that does me.

they are not the same but very similar

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Not saying it does you any good. Just that it's a bad idea to blanket something according to what a US only book dictates. You can use the legal defenitions on legally binding documents and still as a person be aware of the dividing lines.

I don't know. I think multiplicity can be very very different to MPD. The lack of a D for starters, then compounded by the different ways people can enter a system.

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

Yeah, DID is only used in the US. The reason behind the name change was that the DSM writers basically decided that no one can really have more than one person in their body-- that it's just one person deluding themselves into believing they're many.

[ricktboy.livejournal.com]

I thought(and currently think sometimes)what if it's all not real? and I thought I was making it up too. but Jaysun(my husband) and Malea(Faith and Tara's girlfriend) have seen us. and they know and help us realize that we're real. and unique and different, just like singlets, and everyone else.

I'm not trying to convince you, just maybe you're having doubts like I've had. and having a spouse/significant other who isn't supportive can inhibit the accepting process, and make you feel crazy, or like you arent' real, or like what you're experiencing isn't real.

believe me, sometimes I get scared that I'm a big fat liar, and then Tara tells me it's okay, and I'm not crazy.

and besides, if It's not real, then who the hell has been creating email accounts I don't know about?! *giggle*

Rick
Pack Collective

[aliasalixx.livejournal.com]

Hell, sometimes I wonder if I'm real. Or if the rest of the world is.

[echoesnspectres.livejournal.com]

One central person who becomes other people, or who experiences the other people as "states of mind" they get into, is one way the concept of "median" has been defined, IIRC. You're not exactly a singleton either, right? So you might be something in-between, or just plain different.

[hellmutt.livejournal.com]

Your husband may like to take a look at that old proverb about two wrongs and one right.

Any reasonable definition of lying must surely be along the lines of "deliberately claiming something that you know to be untrue". I don't have a clue about the ethical issues involved in fooling yourself (if that's what you think you've been doing), but "lying" is a needlessly charged word.

Most of the world considers multiplicity (DID) to be a mental illness, and thus something requiring sympathy and concessions to be offered to the 'sufferer' (particularly if the 'sufferer' shows some sign of seeking help). That way of thinking could be helpful here.

Look into getting a counsellor or therapist - and don't necessarily talk to hir about this one issue, but use hir as a sounding board for everything that's been on your mind. A neutral outside viewpoint is a thing to be valued.

[tir-nan-og.livejournal.com]

It sounds to me like you're saying essentially that you're a median. Median-ness as I understand it is the statement that "I'm her, but I'm still me". I wouldn't say you're making this up out of the whole cloth, if the people who live with you are doing things that you wouldn't do.

We do have certain people in-house, and especially our main front-runner, who find it very easy to believe the whole thing is imaginary. Part of the problem is that each of us can't remember very much about the others being out, unless they choose to write. Our husband to be is invaluable, because he remembers everything, because he has an intimate relationship with each one. If one says another is imaginary, he'll say, "You're talking about someone that I love."

[reinahada.livejournal.com]

can i just say how amazing i find that to be? that is so great for you to have found someone so supporting and loving. i hope you and your husband to be have a happy life together.

Distraida

[judiff]

there are many ways to be many - that's something i remember reading on usenet 11 or 12 years ago, and it's still true.
The way you and your people are sounds like some kind of plurailty even if it's not like "classic multplicty". Maybe you are median or maybe you and the other poeple are seperte but very co-conscious.
(Actaully the not knowing about the other person having sex does sound a lot like "classic multiplicty". And even i'm like "just a kid" and not into sex stuff and don't give people relationship advise and we're like poly anyway the whole thing of your husband wanting to get "even" sounds like very silly)

i was gonna say

[fairybluebird.livejournal.com]

i think that not knowing that something happened basically = losing time/memory. and being able to say that it was some other person... how does that not describe being multiple? that's my experience of it at least.

we had the same problem at first. i know i questioned my multiplicity, at least, because we were (and are) really co-conscious and so there was still this sense of "i" no matter who was out - it was just that sometimes "i" was me and sometimes it was adam and sometimes it was precisegirl and whatever.

you know, some systems work for YEARS to get that ;)

and the thing was just, like... if we weren't putting some big effort into being like "let's see! how do i feel about this and that, what gender am i, who am i really," then we could go a whole day just being like "it all feels like me!" because no matter who's out it just feels like "i am out" because that's what each separate person is thinking when they're out. and some outside observer who knew us could totally be like "no, in the morning it was some little kid and then it was precisegirl and then i think it was a bunch of people at once" or something. but we wouldn't perceive it that way unless we really took the time to analyze it and think about the ways we are different.

that's not quite what you're describing, but it's what made me question things. because surely being multiple was supposed to mean that we always knew exactly who was out and they were supposed to feel REALLY different and do things that nobody else knew we'd done! and slowly we realized that that was hardly anyone's experience, among all the multiples we knew....

Re: i was gonna say

[echoesnspectres.livejournal.com]

and the thing was just, like... if we weren't putting some big effort into being like "let's see! how do i feel about this and that, what gender am i, who am i really," then we could go a whole day just being like "it all feels like me!" because no matter who's out it just feels like "i am out" because that's what each separate person is thinking when they're out. and some outside observer who knew us could totally be like "no, in the morning it was some little kid and then it was precisegirl and then i think it was a bunch of people at once" or something. but we wouldn't perceive it that way unless we really took the time to analyze it and think about the ways we are different.

Exactly that way with us sometimes. "Okay, check: am I me?" doesn't work because there's a continuous stream of "me"-awareness running the body. It's when we look back and decide, "That can't have been me, because I don't know how to say that", or "That must've been X because that's the kind of thing she would do in that situation", that we distinguish ourselves from each other; and when it was someone else we tend to remember it factually but not emotionally. Also we have some mental checklists: What are we preoccupied with, anxious about, interested in? How does the body feel to us? How do we feel about relating to other people? What can we understand when we read it? Etc. A way of knowing pretty much immediately who we are is when our personal emotional stresses come up; when someone says "You're ignoring me!" or "Nothing is reliable today" it's sort of a dead giveaway...

Re: i was gonna say

[pengke.livejournal.com]

What happens if one of you starts acting like another one of you? People that spend a lot of time together usually start picking up each other's habits and patterns of speech. Would you even notice that?

Re: i was gonna say

[echoesnspectres.livejournal.com]

Yes, that can get confusing; your thoughts are going a certain way and you think, "Oh, I must be so-and-so, so I should pay attention to..." and you're not so-and-so, so you pay attention to the wrong things, think you can do things you can't, that sort of stuff. Or you're mistaken about the kind of person you are; but I guess that can happen to anyone, plural or not...

Maia - I think!

Re: i was gonna say

[whispersong.livejournal.com]

to quote a Housemate of mine with tongue in cheek:

"can i vote that we're all just crazy & leave it at that so no one will pay any attention to us at all so we can just get on with our lives!?" - adriana

many ways to be many!

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

*gloms it* THAT is going on our FAQ, and any place else we can think of. Thank You judiff!! This will do what Gabe calls a world of good with people who write to us saying they know they have other people but aren't sure they are "really multiple" because they weren't abused / were abused / have always known they were multiple / have only found out recently / have walk-ins, otherkin, etc./ don't have any walk-ins, otherkin, etc./ etc., etc., etc.!

[jhonathand.livejournal.com]

Freakin' Huzza! to judiff, I know for myself, and My Brothers, that almoast hits the nail right on the head,

"There Are Many Ways To Be Many" is the most honest answer that I have seen in the past few months.

The pre-disposition for some of us, Me Mainly to try and classify, catagorize and easily refrence the other's living in our house makes me crazy, I feel validated by what judiff has said,.

And in making my point.

"Banging your head against the wall of in-sufficient data," (To borrow a phrase from our dear friend elenbarathi) You exist how you exist, and whether that's classified as "Classically Multiple" or not, makes no difference,.

If It's any help you may just consider being, "Multiple light" Just one Calorie.

It's all well and good to be whatever you need to be and for the Others that support you, whether or not they are fully different doesn't matter.

Much Luv,...............~M~

from myself and others, censored

[reinahada.livejournal.com]

we think your husband should be told to go to hell and stay there.

we don't always know who is out. we don't always know who is who. we like to have more separation than most though. we like to know who is who and we like to feel more separate than to gether most of the time. however even if we are all together and acting as one which happens sometimes we still know we are multiple.

we doubt sometimes that we are multiple. it scares us. we think maybe we're psychotic. maybe we're making it all up. maybe we're all fake. maybe we're crazy. maybe we're lying. but then we have a reality check and we know we're not. all we have to do is remember poor beth waking up next to byron and not knowing who he was ... and the terror that she felt, the terror that was hers alone ... and we know.

so you lost some time. one of your others was totally front. that is cool. that most likely means you are multiple. don't hold them back, or keep them in, or stifle them. let them be themselves, just as much as you want to be yourself too.

Distraida

Re: from myself and others, censored

[st-bastard.livejournal.com]

that's happened to me too, someone waking up next to my husband, and not knowing what's going on.

and now, some of us have completely seperate lives...We agree with you collectively, her husband needs to straighten up, or die right.

Rick
Pack Collective