not that i'm letting the bastards win so to speak, but...

[ninjafeline.livejournal.com]

my ex (3yrs med student and quite versed on psychological matters) told me the other night that he doesn't believe i have MPD. he has been around when i discovered a lot about it in myself (as in, literally lying beside me) and has never before voiced anything else than encouragement and acceptance, even to the point of addressing Jenny (the most violent, hurt one, a mostly 6/7yr old child) by name and saying he's working on getting her trust (which he succeeded in, even beyond our breakup and for this i must salute him).

anyway. i simply cannot stand ppl that tell you you are not depressed, suicidal, a cutter, etc just because you don't fit their definition of the disorder. also, i am sick of having to justify myself in any way, thereby making myself even more vulnerable to the person.
but.
the therapists i have seen recently have neither agreed or disagreed with my view, but they have worked with it, which i interpret as acceptance.
so, i guess i am wondering if i am totally wrong with this. please help.

i identify myself as multiple because:
i have disociative parts of me that do not correspond with the rest of me, i.e. Jenny for example is violently self-destructive to the point of getting me into a lot of danger. i am scared of myself when she runs riot (but i have started to get to grips with her). Tristan makes me feel suicidal when he gets so upset that he cannot be a boy. i literally want to take a knife to my breasts when he's at his worst, i want to starve myself, my sexual behaviour totally changes and it scares the rest of me, mostly the gentler ones, Liane and Sophie.
when Sophie is in charge i become very playful, i feel literally drunk or high for no reason. this can get very annoying to others and it is embarassing to me to watch myself do these things without being able to stop. btw, this happens to my sober self. :)

and so on. now, these splits are too violent, too irrational, too intense to just be facets or mood swings. the disociative qualities of especially Jenny's fits are frigthening. but i can always remember evth that happens, and i can keep things 'at bay' at least, if not control.

what do you think? does this correspond to your MPD? or am i just getting this all wrong? help appreciated...

Comments

[asrai-d.livejournal.com]

welcome. excuse the chaos but y'know how it goes.

as someone on a list (http://www.darkpersonalities.com) i used to belong ot once said (and this is badly quoted) "it doesn't matter if i'm multiple or not what i'm going through is real for me right now" so that's how i view things now days.

i'm very co-concious to the point where i feel like i'm making things up sometimes. but other times it's very clear i'm not making it up.

being mutiple is what it is for you. not what the defintion for diagnosis is.

[doltaghey.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with what Asrai says. Your situation is similar to mine in many ways but I've met many Multiples (mostly online) and everyone has a different experience, but it does not invalidate anyone else just because they are different. My system is a relatively small one, there are only seven that I've identified, and sometimes when I look at other groups that number in the dozens, or the hundreds, I think "Am I really multiple, if I don't have so many?" And I concur with what Asrai says about the co-awareness too. We're quite co-conscious and sometimes I wonder if I'm "making it all up". I definitely think that it's much more than just mood swings.

[ninjafeline.livejournal.com]

thanks very much both of you. i usually agree with what you said, but sometimes, when it is yourself you're defending, those little doubts still niggle don't they.
at the end of the day it's true. i am what i am. facets/splits/parts/past lives i know what i feel and how intense it gets.
xx

[briar-spider.livejournal.com]

maybe what your friend meant is that you aren't clinically that way. i mean, if that is the way you view yourself, thats fine? maybe you have named these parts of your personality, and given them identities in order to ... relate to them easier, or something?

i don't know. i don't know much about this kind of stuff. im just going on what these posts have said.

if you see yourself as that way, maybe it is easier for your therapists to work with you. youve identified yourself with this, and it gives a name and... place (or whatever) to what you feel inside... and its easier to work with it than against it.

i dunno. but its something interesting tothink about.

[ninjafeline.livejournal.com]

yeah, i guess in a way it doesn't even matter, as long as things are ok. who cares what the names are.
as for clinical. uhm. no i am pretty sure i am. there are things Jenny does that...well, that scare the shit out of some of the others and it's not pretty. but i can deal with it, better now then when i was a kid.
x hope you're doing good chica, haven't seen you around for a while!

did therapists

[demon-girl.livejournal.com]

there are therapists that specialize in did. and there is a did society that has yearly conferences. we found a therapist that understands it very well and treats it very well. if your therapist doesn't understand did, it would probably help you VERY much to find one that does, and that knows how to treat it. we started out with a therapist that didn't understand it, but treated it as an anxiety disorder. it helped, but not nearly as much as when we found a therapist that understood it and treated it. there are specific ways of treating did that can help very much, but if your therapist doesn't understand it, or worse yet, doesnt acknowledge it, they are not going to be able to help you. i think our first therapist was treating us and just hoping the multiple stuff would just "go away" in time. not very helpful. it's very real, and the trauma that caused it has to be dealt with. find a therapist that understands what you are going through!

love,
-amanda

Re: did therapists

[ninjafeline.livejournal.com]

you're right, i'm giving this therapist another chance on wed, but if this doesn't go anywhere i'm going to leave and get a better one!
x

Re: did therapists

[demon-girl.livejournal.com]

kewl! i think you rock. do you have a protector?

on lettting yourself win...all of you

[ladyfantomas.livejournal.com]

I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I have very strong DID traits but no one has ever been able to diagnose me. The person I present to 'athority figures' is very stable. Very solid and not about to let anyone see her bad side.

Now that I know my triggers, I am able to do what I need to stop it from taking over but getting people to believe me, I don't really know how to either. It so hard I guess. You know what you are feeling. You know what you are going through and what term seems to describe it best. If others chose to doubt that...It is so cruel.

I have yet to but I know that group therapy is really great for meeting people who get it.