Uhh.. Hi?

[jd-starcat.livejournal.com]

I'm Jade.. I think a couple people here might know me from another community. I wasn't really sure about joining this one, as I wouldn't have a lot to post, but I do have at least one question, and I thought it wouldn't hurt to join. I, myself, am not multiple.. at least not that I'm aware of. I suppose I could be... I soulbond, and I guess that could be classed as close to the same thing. But this post wasn't intended to be about me, I wanted to talk about my husband. This might get a bit long, so I'll stick it behind a cut.

After reading through several sites on plurals and multiplicty and what have you, I have come to believe that my husband is indeed a multiple. I've mentioned a few times on the soulbonding community, that my husband, Derek, has an anima named Mia. Shes been around since before Derek and I got married, and has been a big part of his life since she first showed up.

She originally began as a bit of a joke. Derek was playing around with a friend of ours online, and talking to them through several messangers at once (MSN, AIM, Yahoo, etc etc). He gave all three "personalites" in the messangers identities, Me, Myself, and I. 'I' being him, the original personality. Eventually Me and Myself became Mia and her brother Marcel. Marcel faded quickly, Derek claims it was because he wasn't strong enough to survive in his mind.

Mia, however, grew and developed until she finally became a seperate person altogether. At first we were all skeptical, sometimes we still are, but we have more proof now that we ever did. Before Derek and I got married, I would talk to Mia through messanger, but I never really gave her much thought. Not because I didn't believe.. or maybe it was because of that. Maybe deep down I wondered if Derek was genuine or if he was making the whole thing up. I think I still wonder that from time to time, but its mostly triggered by anger or depression.

When we got married things were fine. I still didn't think much about Mia. In the back of my head I knew she was there, but she was never a problem. She kept to herself, never interfered with me and Dereks relationship, so I was fine with her. Then.. the fights started somehow. I'm not even sure what triggered them. Jealousy and anger over something, but I can't think of what now.

Mia and I began to fight like.. well, like cats and dogs. Something would set me off and I'd yell and scream at Derek about how Mia wasn't real and he needed to get help. It was terrible. I never meant any of the things I said, and they both know that. But sometimes anger makes us do and say things we don't really mean. At least once Mia actually came out and spoke to me durring one of the fights. Even going so far as to call me a bitch and tell me to leave Derek out of our fight because it was between me and her.

This went on for quite some time. Not long ago Mia began to date other people online. At first it was a guy friend of ours, then she also began to see said friends bond/anima, Robin. Once again my doubts and fears popped up and I began to wonder if Mia was real or if Derek was just using her as an excuse to date/flirt with other people. Then the rational side of my mind kicked in and I realised something.. several somethings actually.

1) Derek loves me and he would never cheat on me or do something behind my back. Hes never hurt me or given me any reason to doubt him, so why would he now?

2) Mia was dating a guy, and while neither Derek nor myself have any problems with being gay or bi, Derek does not like guys in that way at all.

3) Mia was also dating a female bond/anima, and Derek does not believe in dating someone you can't see. He doesn't think its wrong or anything, but he wouldn't do it.

So if all that true, then that would have to mean Mia is a completely seperate person. We're getting along better now and we don't fight as much. I'm still a little iffy on her dating, but she can do as she pleases. Derek had been dictating some rather... "bad" things to her bf and gf for her and that made me a little uneasy. I knew Mia was real and that it wasn't Derek doing the stuff, just typing it.. but it still made me feel uncomfortable. We've worked through that though and we've all agreed not to do anything that makes someone else in the house feel uncomfortable or nervous.

I also get a little ticked when Mias relationships take away my time with Derek. I'm not saying her realtionships aren't important, but at the moment they're pretty much cute little internet flings. And when comparing that to a marriage I've worked really hard to build and hold onto, I'd like to think my relationships takes top priority. But I'm ok with things, as long as I do get my time with Derek.

Now... after all that rambling, we come to the actual questions. Has/does anyone else here have a significant other thats a mulitple? And if so, how do you deal with things like jealousy and something possibly taking your SO's time away from you? Myself, I know that things are going to take away my time with Derek a lot. Hes in the military and thats a very time consuming job. Plus he takes computer classes for two hours every evening, monday-thursday. So when he gets home he likes to spend some time on the computer since its kind of his hobby. So I don't get a lot of time with him as it is. Add to that the fact that Mias tyring to have her own life, even if it is online, and shes dating people and doing things.. And I just don't think me and Derek spend nearly enough time together. But we're working on it as best we can.

But anyway, how does everyone else deal with a SO thats a multiple?

Comments

[shadowechoes.livejournal.com]

My SO is multiple, but so am I, so it works out for us. Our systems are exclusive though - people in my system don't date anyone except for people in her system, and vice versa. There is still sometimes jealousy, since we can't always arrange that each person in a couple will be out at the same times. And some of the less-frequent fronters get lonely and miss their mates, while being envious of the frequent fronters who get to spend more time with theirs. While we recognize everyone in our systems as individuals, it would be way out of bounds for all of us to let anyone in either system date someone in a third body - but all of us in both systems agree on this so again, this works for us where it might not for other couples/systems.

I'm guessing that Derek is aware that Mia is dating others? Does he consider this cheating on you? Is he aware that you are jealous and would prefer her not to date others (I'm assuming that's how you feel, besides being jealous about getting less time with him)? I think the best thing is to talk to your husband about everything, be open and honest with him. Maybe you guys can reach a compromise. Maybe you could hook Mia up with one of your bonds?

Sorry I don't have much advice. :/

~Ash

[nematoddity.livejournal.com]

Actually, I'm the multiple in my relationship with my SO, but she's also known/dated other multiples. One gave her severe heartache, without ever intending to. The personality that fell in love with my lady was a sub, and my lady was professionally domme-ing at the time. Unfortunately, the dominant personality in that body was also a professional domme, and it caused complications. Weirdly enough, it wasn't that she and my SO weren't friends, or that she minded the other personality dating my lady...it was just that she had no desire to wake up in cuffs, and thus, the other personality could not play. Kind of rough on everyone, for that while we were in the area.

Also, as far as my perspective? I don't think soul bonds have anything to do with multiplicity, in any way. But that's just my opinion.

[jd-starcat.livejournal.com]

Derek does know that Mia is dating. She doesn't front very often, infact in the entire time Derek and I have been together, I've only seen Mia come out once. So Derek has to dictate what she wants to say to people. So I'm sure he figured out she was dating when she started having him type up *hugs* *kisses* and "I love yous" to her bf and gf.

He says hes never been bothered by her dating, and he doesn't pay attention to what shes having him type. And I don't really mind so much anymore, as long as shes not having him dictate cyber sessions, cause that makes me really really uncomfortble. But as I said, we've come to an agreement on that.

Neither of us see it as cheating. Derek doesn't seem to even think about it at all, but I get upset when it takes away his time with me. I have talked to him about it as well. And its funny that you should mention hooking Mia up with one of my bonds, Ash. I jokingly suggested to my husband one day that we should "keep it in the family" that basically him and I and our bonds/animas/other personalities should just all date each other.

We had a little laugh over it, but it wouldn't happen. Mia does not like my bond at all. Plus my bond rarely comes out (neither of us know how to do the fronting thing), so they wouldn't get a lot of time together. Plus Mia seems to be relly happy and in love with the person shes dating now.

We're all working through it though. And Mias ex bf is working on the possibility of transfering personalities. Hes trying to figure out how to get Mia out of Dereks system and into his, so Mia can be with her gf, and it'd cause less problems on me and Dereks end. I really hope he figures out a way, not just cause of jealousy, but because I think Mia needs something different and happier.

Oh and nematoddity, I was just using SB's as an example. It doesn't have all that much to do with multiplicity, but in a way its like having another person there. So I'm not completely foriegn to the idea or anything.

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

Oh and nematoddity, I was just using SB's as an example. It doesn't have all that much to do with multiplicity, but in a way its like having another person there.

If you have a character/persona in your head whom you actively talk with-- I've never been convinced that "soulbond" is the right word for it, since that word meant something before it was applied to characters, but it's been called by all sorts of different names-- I do indeed think it's a variant of the same neurological workings as multiplicity, even if not to the same extent. I think it is indeed a question of orders of magnitude, since many of us started out as 'characters in the head' and moved up to fronting.

[whispersong.livejournal.com]

And Mias ex bf is working on the possibility of transfering personalities.

it can be done, imho, but tis not a simple thing.

{J}tatiana

I need advice too

[(Anonymous)]

I pretty much stumbled across this entry, and I wanted to let you know I think I understand what you're going through. I'm in a similar situation right now, and sometimes I'm really confused.
I'm 15 and I've been dating a girl in a guys body for almost a year now. At first, like you, I didn't know that he had MPD. I realized I loved "her" before I knew it was her. When I found out it was her, it blew me away. I was in disbelief. First of all, I'm not lesbian or bi I don't think, so it was weird to think I felt this way about another girl. Eventually, I decided to go along with it, even if I felt stupid about it and there was always that thought in the back of my mind thinking "Is it real? Are they telling me the truth?" but everything would go away when I saw her. It made it worth it when I saw her.
During last summer she left his body to help a friend, and she hasn't been back much since. I see her every couple weeks and that's about it. That doesn't help with the jealousy either. I just wish I had the same amount of time I've always had with her.
How to work out with jealousy though? That is the problem I have right now. The first 4 months or so they stopped everyone from dating so that she could be with me, seeing as I was uncomfortable with "sharing" and that I took them saying he had MPD as an excuse to be with other people. Then, after the 4 months, one of the personalities, and also one of my current best friends, fell for my best friend. For months I was torn. I was really hurt when I saw them together. Even though they both told me if it bothered me they'd stop I'd never admit that it made me uncomfortable. A few weeks ago that relationship ended, and I'm still with the same girl in his body.
I guess I just needed to share and get some advice. Right now I'm wondering if I should keep doing this. Nobody else really seems to live up to this girl. The situation isn't the best, considering I hardly see her, but she still makes it worth it when she comes back. And how does one stop being jealous?

Re: I need advice too

[whispersong.livejournal.com]

Jealousy is a difficult issue admittedly. My own advice is to not take things too seriously as yet and just try hard to go w/the flow so to speak. Jealousy is really a product of two things, IME: Insecurity about oneself &/or their relationships as well as a deep seated fear you (general you) aren't good enough for your lover.

In that vein though if you work on one aspect, chances are good other things will get some benefit from it. I don't know what other advice I can offer at the moment as I am by ... culture or design, I'm unsure which or if tis both ... polyamorous. So for me, altho I'm not immune to fits of jealousy (I had one not long ago over some people hitting on a friend) it is far less frequent & intense, I think, than most people's whom I've met. If I can help you at all, really I will give you what advice I may or relate My experiences having grown up to be a poly person if it is of use to you.

If you wish to contact me offline, thats fine.

Tatiana

Re: I need advice too

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you so much. That meant a lot to me, especially the fact that I told someone. Your advice means a lot to me. I'm trying to learn to grow into a person with the qualities that I admire in a person, and jealousy was a big thing I still need to learn to deal with. You were very right about why people get jealous. I'm sure it was because of my insecurities. I'm positive about that... and I wont let it get in the way anymore.
& I was thinking if I found someone who doesn't know who I am but someone that I'd could talk to about it, I'd be a lot better off.

Re: I need advice too

[whispersong.livejournal.com]

Tis up to you then. I don't know how you could contact Me except perhaps leave a note here on how I can get ahold of you offline. We go by elshye on aim if that helps. Otherwise theres email ... or lj's.

Tatiana