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[walkerinthegrey.livejournal.com]

Hey.. this is Ariel posting under Luc's name because I'm just losing it... I dunno. I've been kinda stressed and unstable, and then I just read this book First Person Plural: My Life as a Multiple and it was so much like our experiences, and it got everybody going, wanting out and shit, and the only person around who even really knows about us is my boyfriend, but he's been really unstable and can't even handle his own problems, let alone mine, and I think I'm going crazy. i really do. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to control it and that people will find out... I live with my mom and stepdad, but they don't know about me being multiple, because I try to always just be me when I'm around them, but I'm going crazy... they'll figure me out. I know it. they'll know I'm crazy.. and Nameless wants to cut again.. she wants to see the body bleed.. see herself bleed.. all of us.. .god.

Comments

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

If you've read First Person Plural then you'd know that one of the ways they dealt with people in his system wanting to cut was by buying a big red marker and using that instead. If you're worried about other people seeing the marks, buy a whiteboard marker or a water soluble marker (a lot of kids markers are water soluble - for obvious reasons) so that after you get the urge to cut, you can wash the marks off.

We got a lot of satisfaction from drawing cartoon voodoo pictures of people who had hurt us and destroying them. We'd make the person as ugly as we could, wrote words around them labeling them what they were, then destroyed the pics, sometimes burning them (safely in a brass cauldron - never just burn something without somewhere to put it when it's lit or you get scorch marks on the carpet) sometimes slashing or tearing them to pieces. Once on holiday, I wrapped one round a stone and threw it down an old mineshaft filled with water.

I found one of the best ways I could prevent complete meltdown was to avoid things that would make me worse. If I'm feeling on edge, I avoid any literature or films that feature abuse or submissive characters that I relate to too strongly. Taking on someone else's angst, pain and suffering only makes me feel worse, not better. A book can't comfort you after it shows you a mirror to your own experiences. You just end up pissed off, alone and hurting.

Sure I read books that reflect my own life, but not when I'm on edge. And I put them aside for a while if I feel them starting to affect me too much, and read something completely different. Some Tamora Pierce, Alan Garner or Terry Pratchett, chill out, and back to the other book when I'm ready. Sometimes that'll be within the hour, sometimes not for a month. Listen to what your body, mind and system is telling you.

Likely, your folks are clueless about your multiplicity. You're a teenager, aren't you? They're 'supposed' to be crazy, angsty and emotional, and angry at the world in general. Your folks will probably just think you're hormonal or having relationship troubles with your boyfriend. Handing the reins over to someone else for a little while if you need some time out from the 3d might be a positive thing. Don't be too paranoid about getting caught. So long as the other person doesn't act too spaced out, you won't get the 'are you on drugs?' lecture.

I hope some of this helps. If I could be there to give you guys help and support I would be - it's not a nice place to be in. Try to stay strong - you have friends here who know what you're going through. It does get better.

Ruth & co.

[walkerinthegrey.livejournal.com]

I'm 18...

and no one hurt me... I was never abused. I don't think I was ever abused or anything. It coudln't have happened, I mean, my mom was there almost all the time, she says my dad was never around and stuff.. god, I just don't know.
The marker thing wouldn't work, Nameless is just.. she self-mutilates. she likes to inflict pain upon herself, the body.. self-punishment, it seems like. she doesn't talk at all... I dont know.. I like Tamora Pierce and Terry Pratchet.. Pierce would probably make it worse because one of my... others.. loves the books so much. She even calls herself Alanna. she's 10-13.. something.. it changes, it seems like...
I don't know what I'm doing.
The other day, though, my mom caught me referring to myself in the plural when talking online to Kyle, my boyfriend.. I tried to pass it off as a joke, but I'm afraid that if she found that book or something, or deduced things from my lj, or anything.. I'm so afraid.
I'm tempted to check myself into the hospital before others do it for me. I'm so tempted to just let myself fall apart, let them find out.. then I at least wouldn't have to pretend.
but what about my life? I was accepted to a good university which I plan to attend in the fall.. I don't want my insanity to ruin everything.

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

It doesn't have to be abusers per se...most of the people who got the 'treatment' were people who picked on me or teachers i hated. was theraputic.

if she's obsessed with pain, get her to try this - hold icecubes in your hands for a minute or so, then plunge your hands in warm to middling hot water. she'll get her pain, and the body won't end up with a stack of scars.

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

The marker thing wouldn't work, Nameless is just.. she self-mutilates. she likes to inflict pain upon herself, the body.. self-punishment, it seems like.

If it's because you want to feel pain, get a big ice cube and hold it against your arm or wherever it is you want to feel the pain, and keep holding it there. Hurts like hell, but doesn't leave any scars. Wrap a towel around your arm and put an ice cube or two in it and leave it tied there.

she doesn't talk at all... I dont know.. I like Tamora Pierce and Terry Pratchet.. Pierce would probably make it worse because one of my... others.. loves the books so much. She even calls herself Alanna. she's 10-13.. something.. it changes, it seems like... I don't know what I'm doing.

It seems like right now the whole idea of sharing your body with other people is really frightening to you. That's not unusual. The dominant culture tells us that one mind, one body is the standard for sanity, and any deviation from that unacceptably ill.

The key here is communication. Get to know the others. If I recall the summary of Tamora Pierce's books correctly, Alanna was a very strong character who disguised herself as a boy and took the place of her twin brother as a soldier. It seems to me that someone who identifies strongly with a character like that could potentially be a very positive force in the system. See what she wants to be and what she wants to do. (Also, don't worry about people who change in age. That's actually quite common and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them.)

People will often develop a self-image based on others' reactions to them. If others treat them as if they're a thing to be feared, they may come to believe that they themselves are something bad and evil; if they're called as equals to participate in the system's life and honoured, they will tend to see their own good qualities much more clearly. We found that out when we were in the process of beginning to communicate with each other.

Also, it may be that your boyfriend's inability to handle his own issues may be exacerbating your own, and if you have to pay attention to and help him all the time, it draws energy away from you so that you can't focus so much on internal communication. You don't sound like someone who needs to be institutionalized-- in fact we've heard far, far more horror stories about hospitalization, about it making people worse, than good ones. Right now you just sound like someone who's afraid and trying to make sense of a phenomenon which the dominant culture has not given us good models for.

[kuponutmalt.livejournal.com]

In all honesty, I'm in much the same position you are. I'm almost 20, and I live with my parents during the summer. They don't know about my multiplicity.

Sometimes, I just want to let it all go, leave my diaries out, run screaming through the house, admit myself to a hospital, and let my parents worry about it while I'm safely away from them. But then, there's my future--everything I've worked for up to this point. It would be dumb just to throw it away.

If you're falling over the edge, the only thing I can suggest is to not think too much. Often getting lost in our little realities is what makes it worse. Just as people need to take breaks from each other, I often have to take breaks from the others inside.

I still don't know how to deal with giving catharsis to the self-mutilators. I, too, don't think a red marker would work for me, as I often don't cut to bleed, but to hurt.