mid continuum

[glitterglass.livejournal.com]

I just noticed this post about "coming out" right now, since I don't read communities every day. I guess I'll stop lurking here. I'm not a multiple. I'm not thinking about becoming a psychologist.

I'm a (mostly) single that is starting to identify with being part of the mid continuum. It's nerve wracking to me. I have real issues with lost time during traumas (quite a few early life years with only blackness and late teenage years of maybe one or two memories and a lot of blackness). The time bleeds through, but it's like I'm watching someone else control my memories.

I've been interested in DID for about ten years (and I'm about to turn 21). I own many books written by and for multiples and I've read others that I do not own. I always wondered why I was so interested in having other people to take my pain for me, and I am trying to understand...well, it all started when I suddenly had memories that I didn't feel belonged to me. I still don't know if it's just because I am blocking things out or if there's someone else in there that I don't know about yet.

So, this, for me, is a place where I can maybe read more from multiples' views and find out more about what is going on inside me. It scares me that there might be a lot of memories that I am not holding that are in there. I just hope you all can help me or just let me stay and read what you have to say. Sorry this is so long, but thank you for reading it. :)

Comments

[glitterglass.livejournal.com]

Derealization and depersonalization, in which things feel as if they're not happening, or are happening to someone else, is common in a lot of conditions besides multiplicity. A lot of people with dysthymia (a kind of depression) report it.

that definitely could be something to check into. I've never heard of dysthymia.

Are you sure they are memories? Have you had them confirmed? Is there a relative you can check with?

my mother has confirmed a lot of it, and the third party said it happened but he doesn't feel like anything wrong happened.

a lot of my moments with the "autopilot," as I currently call it, are happy ones. it's not like it's only trauma that is being affected here, though it is a lot of it.

Do you ever have the sense that there actually are others? Contrary to the books you've read, many multiples have some sense of another presence, even if they push it away in fear.

I don't know if I have the feeling of another presence, but it's quite possible. that's why I am VERY hesitant to say anything about me having any form of DID at all. I could just be repressing things, which would be a relief in a way.

thanks for the welcome. :)

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Oops! I deleted my original response because it had typographical errors in it. It's reposted below. Sorry about the confusion!

DID or dissociative identity disorder is not exactly the same as multiple personalities, or even multiple personality disorder.

People with dissociative identity disorder are regarded by the medical establishment as imagining they have other selves. Some doctors take it seriously while others feel it's a histrionic ploy for attention. This was a politically-motivated change caused by the MPD overdiagnosis fad of the 80s, followed by the scandals and lawsuits of the 90s.

Multiple personality disorder was regarded as a condition in which the client had repressed and/or pushed away so much "unacceptable" material, both in terms of memories and personal characteristics, that they actually formed a second personality. MPD clients were expected to have near-total lack of continuity (so-called memory loss) between persons, and are much more like what you read about in Sybil or When Rabbit Howls. Our theory is that this kind of thing really does happen but is not as prolific as we've been led to believe by both the medical establishment and the media. We know several multiples for whom a Truddi Chase sort of model really fits.

What you're talking about is blackouts and memory loss accompanied by feelings of derealization and depersonalization. You can definitely have those without having other people. So I'd look into it. Dysthymia is just a technical word; it's a kind of low-level ongoing depression that affects your mind and moods.

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

*What you're talking about is blackouts and memory loss accompanied by feelings of derealization and depersonalization. You can definitely have those without having other people.*

Word. You can also have other people without having blackouts or memory loss. In my House we share, so there aren't 'gaps' in the memory (though we don't always agree on interpretation.) A lot of different arrangements are possible, depending on the individuals and their relationships with each other - the same as with 'outer' fmilies - there isn't any One Way It's Gotta Be.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

it's like I'm watching someone else control my memories.

Derealization and depersonalization, in which things feel as if they're not happening, or are happening to someone else, is common in a lot of conditions besides multiplicity. A lot of people with dysthymia (a kind of depression) report it.

well, it all started when I suddenly had memories that I didn't feel belonged to me.

Are you sure they are memories? Have you had them confirmed? Is there a relative you can check with?

Recollections of books, films and other people's experiences can surface in memory years later garbled just enough that it seems as if it happened to you personally. Memory is tricky business. Actual recovered memories exist (we've had some, none of them bad), but it's important to get them confirmed whenever you can. Otherwise you may become concerned over things that didn't really happen to you.

I still don't know if it's just because I am blocking things out or if there's someone else in there that I don't know about yet.

The memory difficulties you describe can occur without any multiplicity at all. You haven't yet mentioned whether or not you feel that you are sharing your body with other persons; you say that you would like to. Do you ever have the sense that there actually are others? Contrary to the books you've read, many multiples have some sense of another presence, even if they push it away in fear. Other persons sharing your body tend to leave evidence, and I am not necessarily talking about the old "clothes in your closet you didn't buy" cliche.

Keep reading; there are a lot of different multiples and singlets here with a lot of different experiences, as you've seen. Good luck. And welcome.

place you might like to check out

[safirewolf.livejournal.com]

Hi there

just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling slightly more than singular and a lot less than multiple.

There is a place on Yahoo groups called notquiteplural [Not quite plural] they have been around for a long time and have a wonderful participating group. There isn't one person on there who will try to define your experience for you. Some seem more multiple than others, but they all identify with being in the mid continuum, as I do. {I call it left of DID on the spectrum}.

My therapist tells me that 15 years ago when she started this work it seemed like most people she worked with fit the "criteria" for DID/MPD, but now it is very different. She says I have what she calls "fluid ego states". I am virtually completley co-conscious and there are really no well defined "personalities" or alters, and yet I have the experience of being more than one, much as you describe here.

Only you can define your own experience, so try not to get caught up in people's descriptions...that is trying to apply them to you. hearing them is always a good thing, because it broadens our experience of others and can sometimes validate our own.

Hang in there, and don't be shy about hanging around in the "multiple" areas...everyone has something valuable to contribute.

I really liked the way you described your experience....thank you!

have a look at NQP...see if it doesn't fit your needs for a place to share in the experience of the mid continuum.

Good luck

Safirewolf