To Clear things up.

[bflathorn.livejournal.com]

I have recently 8 months ago been Dx with DID. I am a male, highly educated with 3 degrees. I knew my childhood was crap and what extent of physical abuse I suffered. I just didn't realize what happened in the process. I battled through my life and struggles always saying hey god lead me through it to make me an excellent counselor and educator..For you see, I am a Mental Health Counselor and I also hold two degrees in education. I went from being a very social, highly skilled professional to a complete collapse which lead me to becoming to physically ill I thought I was dying. I started blacking out, dissociating constantly and pulling away from people. I being the counselor never once considered the mental health side of things...Only the physical. Then after two months of pure pain of my body and numerous hospital er trips to only have them find nothing, I quit working, I sold my car, I removed my phone(s) and became isolated completely in my home. I perfectly managed to run off all my friends and I became completely agoraphobic thinking I was just trying to heal myself of some sort of physical break down....It took me months to realize my body and mind together shut down at once....I was agoraphobic and my life went from amazing to nothing....
I went through my professional networks and eventually found a therapist who is nationally known and from there I know what I know now.
I am a 32 year old male with PTSD/DID-Severe Anxiety Disorder(agoraphobia)... I have went nowhere outside my home in 2 yrs except to the doctors..I have kept my brother and my mother in my life and they both know everything. They see that I get to my therapy and my needs are met. It hurts them because two yrs prior I was top in my field and very social and now I am the opposite of everything I was. My Therapist is a male and has worked with many many people w/multiplicity.. He waited months before he diagnosed me. I am a BASW, BA, LSW,MSW....Now I am on the couch....This is a horrifying turn for me. I feel isolated for I am a male and I should have seen it coming, the flags, the red buzzers...I am a Mental Health professional damn it!!! I also know what is still thought of Multiplicity in the psychological world and circles....Not a working diagnosis....So now I see my therapist twice a week, my psychiatrist once a week and I am learning. I know 2 singlets by name and one without a name--due to age.... I know I am rare because I am a man. That doesnt help me....I would love this to be very well known and researched so I could live easier....Not the case. So I see everything saying her or she or women or woman and try to understand and be patient...I apologize if I have sounded bitter or been bitter in here at times. Truth is, I am.....Angry of my situation.....That with all my knowledge and skill, nothing is making my life the way it was before.
If there are typos I apologize....I was throwing down letters ASAP....Before I chickened out....Thanks for hearing me out......
Shawn

Comments

[ex-khailitha846.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if you want to hear from Us, but many in here appreciate you writing this. It must be incredibly difficult for you to go from the hyperfunctional guy who helps fix other people to a guy who is laid-out with a wierd and devastating psychological problem.

We were 27 when the personality who had been living life for 8 years finally collapsed and all that was underneath was craziness. Yes. There is bitterness. An incredible amount of bitterness. Especially when the other people bring memories of really shitty things. We've been quite functional for a long time now, and there are others here who are also living quite fulfilling lives, love being multiple, wouldn't change a thing.

I hope you can find some comfort and companionship in some of these communities. There are people who have posted in other communities just to stir things up, even hurt people and trigger them, or mess with their heads, so I wanted to see where you were coming from and where you intended to go. As long as you were talking from your "psych professional" perspective, it was hard to tell, and my hackles started rising.

This community is awesome. I love it. But there are alot of viewpoints expressed here that don't follow the clinical models. It's good for Us. There is one other community for multiples that I know of on LJ that is more geared toward trauma-type/clinical discussions if that is your preference: Fragmented Minds. I've already seen you there.

Take care.

[bflathorn.livejournal.com]

Thanks for being understanding. I rather like this community as well. I just needed my first hurdle of disclosure.......

Shawn

[tir-nan-og.livejournal.com]

I am very, very glad you gave us this information. I had quite a different idea of you before you wrote this.
If all other multiples were biological males, there would be a reticence, even possibly a bitterness or anger..regarding my being the only female. This would of course be complicated if I had been abused or had an unjust experience at the hands of males. I am trying to put myself in your position.
However, it is not a foregone conclusion that everyone who posts in multiple communities is a biological female. Granted, I have had the feeling that many are, and have been trying to work up the courage to post and ask how many biological males are out there.
Having a major physical and mental nervous breakdown indeed sucks. It must be especially difficult after having worked your way up the professional ladder, knowing you have obstacles but are trying your best. (Perhaps it is a mercy we never got so very far up that ladder, having only menial jobs to have breakdowns in!)
It is very late, and we must close. I can only suggest that you try to not get too upset by the predominance of biological females in the multiple community, and view us as fellow travelers, who might be able to offer help and advice with your difficulties.

[shadowechoes.livejournal.com]

Hi and welcome. I'm not really good at the whole welcoming thing and I'm not the one of Us who normally posts here but I thought I would say hi and stuff. I agree with what Khailitha and Tir_nan_og said. So yeah. I hope you start to get things figured out so you can function better. I know how hard mental breakdowns are. x.x I'm sorry if you feel outnumbered by all the females. :/ Our body is female too, but there are a few males in here. I guess that's not the same though. :/ Although to them they are just as male except for the body. If that makes any sense. :/ Sorry for rambling and stuff. I'm glad you decided to join and introduce yourself.
~BrokenWings

[bflathorn.livejournal.com]

Thanks

[bflathorn.livejournal.com]

Thank you and your advice is helpful.
~Shawn

[pengke.livejournal.com]

Isn't there a saying: Women end up in therapy and men end up in jail?

Physically male multiples are probably kind of like that. The sampling is messed up and it's pretty impossible to get an accurate number. Multiple groups have more physically female members than male but statistically females are more likely to join support groups so you can't judge it based on that. Females are more likely to be diagnosed with DID because therapists are more willing to look for it in women. Females are also more likely to seek out therapy than men which makes the ratio even less accurate. Plus there is no way to tell how many people out there are selves aware but have no interest in therapy or multiple communities.

I'm sure many here can understand your frustration at constantly seeing multiples referred to as she. It is a stereotype that frustrates even female bodied multiples. It's also very similar to the frustration multiples who are not disordered feel at the constant mention of MPD/DID and the psychological model of multiplicity.

A

[bflathorn.livejournal.com]

Great Insight

Nice To Meet You

[gia1977.livejournal.com]

Nice to meet you Shawn. In my own way, I relate to your words of growing up thinking God led experiences, for you to be a counselor. I had thought of that once for a career. I found out in June of last year about having an inner crew. My counselor didn't believe me at all, so I learned a lot from this community and did talk to an online counselor. I did go thru that rocky period too. All I can say for support is hang in there and know you are not alone. We're all here for you. I am sorry you feel you should have seen this coming. I understand that part very well. (my part there is with d. violence, I could help others with seeing it going on, but was powerless to see it happenening to me.) It's upsetting yes. I have two littles in my system with no names, so I think it's common. From what I've learned from this community, names come over time, if at all. Again, nice to meet you. Hope to get to know you better over time.

[myorp.livejournal.com]

thank you for having the courage to post this. i like what everyone else has said so far and i think i'll add one thing: you aren't alone.

there /are/ other multiples who are physically male and we are one of them. sure alot of us are girls inside(like me) but physically we are male too. this includes morgil_lomion and _flute_ who are the other parts of our system who have lj's.

uhm. it makes sense that you'd be angry at hiding from yourself for so long... but its not something you should blame yourself for. you seem to be very focused on knowlege and thinking so its understandable for you to feel like you failed to see something so obvious in yourself... but its not as obvious as it seems. people forget to pay attention to who they are every day and just run through life on autopilot doing things they need to do or things they like to do without ever thinking about how it all actually interacts with who they are as a person so you have nothing to be ashamed of.

it sounds like you are very much on track and making progress toward becoming functional again and that's something to be proud of. its hard to keep going sometimes and hard to admit you need help. even harder for people like you and me because guys shouldn't need help... we're supposed to be big and tough and smart and strong and in control above all else. so be proud that you actually were intelligent and learned enough to get yourself into therapy instead of doing what most guys do which is descending into alcohol and drugs and whatever else it takes to try to hold on to the control that they lost and feel so much like they have to have.

be proud.

[myorp.livejournal.com]

oh... and morgil's a guy in mentality too. i'm not sure that was clear.

[whisperedones.livejournal.com]

Hey man,

You got some guts, I'll tell you that much. I'm a guy, but my body is female, and so far, I'm the only guy in the system to date... I dunno if that helps you out any. I admire you, man, because it takes some serious balls to say what you just said.

It's true, it's not usual that a male is diagnosed with DID, but I'm not sure it's all that rare. It may just be that guys don't get diagnosed as often as females, cuz ya know, for me, it's hard to admit when I need help.

I noticed that you added Us to your LJ friends list... I'm gonna go ahead and add you, cuz it seems to me that you're not one of those out to hurt the system (We usually screen people before We add them.)

Again man... you got some guts. You got my admiration.

-Xiao

[bflathorn.livejournal.com]

Thank you....

Re: Nice To Meet You

[bflathorn.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much

[little-fugue.livejournal.com]

I've added you to my friends list. I am a 26 yr old female, and I was just diagnosed with DID. Maybe we can help each other, since we are both still in the process of disovery.

[bflathorn.livejournal.com]

Great....

[aodhfionn.livejournal.com]

I will, tentatively, offer an apology.

I'll explain my tentativeness because your professed background might help you understand it. Your early defensiveness and lack of response could easily be explained by what you've said here. If it's the case, then my last comment coming as it does, probably isn't the best of things for you, and I apologize.

Unfortunately, it can also be explained by not having an answer at the time. Realizing that you then need them, it only takes a little time to come up with a post like this. The psych major I mentioned in my last comment did the same thing without realizing that she had "corrupted her sample" simply by being noticed.

Angry makes perfect sense to me. Then again, I'm male. the body is male, and all but one of our 'chorus' is male, and she has a really hard time fronting. I'll save the rest for my introductory post in a bit.

I think that many male multiples might have grown up with the role model of the "decisive/aggressive" male and the idea that everything you do, no matter what the consequences, must be deliberate and done with the intent to see it through. For someone like that, being able to admit that you don't remember something--or worse, remember it and don't have a clue why you did it--isn't allowable. Taking actions you don't understand would be worse than taking actions you don't believe in, and this could lead to a lot of rationalization and denial. There'd be very little chance of admitting a problem, nuch less one that might wind you up in a pdoc's office or a therapist's. This is just one idea, though.

If we're both being honest, I hope we can learn to trust each other.

[aodhfionn.livejournal.com]

Damn. I just posted a comment and Lj seems to have eaten it.

[bflathorn.livejournal.com]

Thanks

[pengke.livejournal.com]

OK. What the fuck were you talking about in the entry you deleted? None of us have ever spoken to you on AIM or in any other way. Where the hell do you get off claiming that one of us told you that we're not really multiple?

[bflathorn.livejournal.com]

Sorry, my apologies....I hit the wrong button...That wasnt meant for you....
~S~

[pengke.livejournal.com]

You hit the wrong button twice?!

[bflathorn.livejournal.com]

Yea dude, seriously I apologize....I have never even spoken to you before so I apologize....
~S~

[gentedellaluna.livejournal.com]

i realize this is late but i haven't been around for a few days and i caught your entry while catching up on my friends list...

I'm 38 year old male and diganosed with DID in 1999... Like you I have problems with anxiety and Agoraphobia...

I don't really have anything intelligent to say but just wanted to let you know that i added you to my friend list... hope you don't mind
~gabriel

[bflathorn.livejournal.com]

Gabriel, I dont mind at all and thanks for letting me know you are out there.
~Shawn~

[jinxtigr.livejournal.com]

I can relate a lot to your 'I am PROFESSIONAL dammit!'. I'm a multiple-friendly- tir_nan_og's mate- but am singlet (I think technically A singlet is a sort of medieval garb, and I am not a shirt ;) ) I have Asperger's Syndrome, a sort of autism, and have been going along for years trying to squeeze every inkling of usefulness out of my tortured body and brain on the grounds that I must be good for something. Much of my 'professionality' is in sound engineering and CD mastering, a lifelong fascination, and I've got to where I can top pretty near everybody, inventing new techniques, learning to not blather on too glibly about them as other professionals get freaked out when confronted with the audio Tesla-type madman, putting them to use while working on the social skills... but at the same time I am _very_ isolated, and frankly don't treat myself like a person at all. I treat myself as a machine for producing stuff, and never thought to question this.
Lately that's broken down and I am in the horrifying position of acknowledging that while my skills are real, my NEEDS for them are quite unhealthy. The compulsion is not my friend- and the compulsion is not me- and I have no f**king idea who 'me' is, and all of a sudden it matters when it never seemed to matter before.
Horrifying turn, yes. I am pleased to know you- 'I' being whatever the hell I am, and 'you' serving plural duty rather than meaning 'whoever seems to be speaking at the time and ignoring anything else'.

[bflathorn.livejournal.com]

PLeased to meet you as well....
~Shawn~

[20splinters.livejournal.com]

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond to this. I saw it a few days ago when I didn't have time to write, and then couldn't find it again later.

Anyway, maybe I'm just lucky, but I know 3 other multiples in person. Two occupy male bodies, two occupy female. (And I get my own fun thing of being not only the only male in here who ever fronts, but also the "main manager" of everybody, in a female body.)

[bflathorn.livejournal.com]

Wow, interesting......Thanks for sharing.
~S~