split

[gelabean.livejournal.com]

X-posted to fragmentedminds, 20plusbipolar, bipolarsurvival and spiralpauper

Intro - I am a 26 year old female with bipolar disorder (Mixed Episodes). Past history of psychosomatic symptoms including a diagnosis of psychosomatic seizures. This community was recommended to me. I hope that I will be welcome. Also I do not drink or take recreational drugs.

very bizarre thing happened to me less than 24 hrs ago. Please don't judge - I am trying to figure this out and cope with it right now.



I apparently have a completely different side of me. Wes talked to her for 3 hours straight. I don't know how he managed that. She didn't have a name but didn't act like me at all. Apparently her purpose is to protect me. I have very sketchy memories of some parts of the conversation - this is where Wes said I seemed more animated. "She" had a a flat affect, as in no emotion, and said she felt nothing. I remember hearing Wes' voice asking me "am I your boyfriend?" He repeated it and I felt like I was swimming towards the surface from the bottom of a deep pool. The first thing I said was "I missed you!" and then I was totally confused because I barely remembered anything.

Stayed up even though we were both exhausted to hear back from my psychiatrist. Says I have dissociative disorder, but thought it was weird that "she" didn't have a name, if she/it was female in the first place. No new prescription, just I go in to see him on Monday for a referral to a good psychologist.

This kinda explains something I have had questions about. I have had "conversations" with what I felt was someone else, a very self-loathing, self-destructive "thing" that was separate from me. Most recently, I yelled "shut up!" aloud to thin air in response to a sudden message in a deeper voice saying I was worthless. Also, on the date of my 24th birthday, I think this "evil" personality, if that is what it was, was responsible for a mighty physical struggle between myself and Tim, my ex-boyfriend. This "thing" had complete control of me. I remember everything, but I was powerless. I had a different voice, and said aloud to Tim "Angela's not here" as I proceded to try to harm myself as Tim held me down to keep me safe. And this "thing" was deceptive... snake-like. Would pretend like I was all calm and it was all over with, and tricked Tim into bringing me some water, but out of a specific cup with a handle. As soon as I was handed the cup, I broke off the handle (which would have required significant strength) with one hand and tried to harm myself. I also refused to take my medication because I was convinced that I must not live. Very dark and scary... I ended up back in the hospital the next morning and my doc thought I must have been hallucinating, so I went on Risperdal. But there was one other time that I don't really remember when someone told Tim that "Angela's not here." So maybe I wasn't hallucinating?

Maybe I am divided in 3 - my normal self, this protective matriarch, and the malevolent thing. I don't know. I'm not really scared. It's not my fault. I didn't asked to be severely abused.

I did something I kinda regret - I found a link to a website about dissociative disorder and child abuse and emailed it to my dad, who I never talk to. That was impulsive... Oh well, water under the bridge now 'cuz I can't take it back.

At least I will get this all figured out. I do need to see a therapist but at the same time I hate the idea. But when trauma interferes with your daily life, you need to suck it up. I don't like therapists in general, probably because I remember seeing the therapist for mandatory family counseling after one of the times DCFS was called out by a concerned friend/family member. That therapist didn't help... but then again, he couldn't have. My dad put on his "charmer" face. And of course, for me and my brother, everything was just dandy as far as social services was concerned.

Comments

[myorp.livejournal.com]

we wish you well in your recovery and wish you some stability as well. i'm not an expert but i'd recomend seeing if you or someone else can communicate with one of the other two. i'd guess the matriarch type one would be better if possible but it could also be tricky.

i also wish you luck with finding a good psychologist who will listen and have helpful insite without being overconfident. only one of the three i've talked to really helped. at very least i hope you have friends you can talk to and be open with. i've found that to be one of the best helps in dealing with any problem... even the really "wierd" ones.

~puzzles and clocks

[20splinters.livejournal.com]

Wow. This sounds a lot like what Jocelyn, our formerly unaware front person used to go through. She was diagnosed bipolar, but none of the meds ever worked, because she wasn’t bipolar. It was just us, keeping her conscious and aware while we acted through her.

I’m not a doctor, psychologist, or psychiatrist, but I do know from our own experience that different personalities switching in and out while the front person is conscious can look like rapid cycling mood swings typical of an intense manic-depressive.

Shoot, I wish I had some weblinks handy to give you for more places to go for more information, but I don’t. What myorp said – try to get some sort of contact with these other people and find out if they’re really there. Also, do talk to your doctor or therapist about meds. I can’t say it’s the same for everybody who’s a misdiagnosed multiple, but we had some bad experiences with Paxil.

I hope things get better for you.

~Opal

I'm not in the mood to judge you.

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

For starters I know very little about bipolar people.

The person you are talking about, may well be malevolent, or they may simply be self-destructive. In either case it doesn't help you much, does it? Should your theories be correct, you may have a lot of work ahead of you.

We wish you the best of luck, and recommend you keep your lines of communication open.

--Me