Emily Signal For Help?

[gia1977.livejournal.com]

I'm having a huge problem. We all know I've been working with Emily, one of the alters. I'm finding giving Emily a voice a bad problem, despite how I'm being happier about all she is
saying, because it's getting things out, but it's also being venomous.

I've learned a lot lately that Emily models my mom in every sense of the word. Literally and in all other ways. My mom is quite the feminist. I don't know how to deal with a feminist at all. From Emily's viewpoint, she hates men. Feels the depend on a man for nothing, as they are no good etc. So, she has her good points, yet it's confusing and upsetting because we do love Shannon very much, but we don't know what is going on here at all.

I'm really in a battle trying to understand Emily and give her a voice without her destroying our relationship with Shannon. I feel totally powerless now. I have no self esteem or anything positive with or about Emily. I don't know how to work with her to make her see that Shannon isn't the bad guy. Emily is very hateful and vile. I've tried telling her the good stuff and all, but she's so overwhelming it's scaring me badly. I know Shannon won't leave me, but it's like Emily is pushing hard for it, despite the rest of us don't want that at all.

I swear with Emily it's like watching my parents fight all over again and I'm the child trying to stop the fighting and stop the war. I'm trying to stop it all and I feel so powerless to do so.

It's like Emily is being my mom and is putting Shannon out to be like all men and my dad. Why? Why is it this way? Why is this happening to me? Yes, I realize Emily is the one who really dealt with Robbie and Robbie couldn't stand it at all. He couldn't take it, so we walked out on him. Why are we doing this? Why are we so terrified? Why is Emily this way? Why is she trying to destroy my relationship with Shannon? How do you deal with a feminist? How do you appease her? Shannon kept asking what do we want, what does Emily want and I do not know!! I truly don't know at all. I know since we've worked on issues and the past etc. I'm aware heavily that this is just Emily getting her voice out and having her say, but how do I get Shannon to realize it's not about him and that it's just him needing to understand Emily and still work with her and us? I do know it's insecurities around men and our refusal to trust them. I mean I'm aware all of this was
way before Shannon ever came into our lives. So, I know this is just working stuff out with all the alters and healing, but geez. Emily is destroying me and thereby destroying Shannnon and I. I don't know what to do.

I mean I'm aware this month is difficult for all alters because yesterday was 17 years ago my grandfather died. He was the one man we trusted and since then, we've trusted no one in a male. I know the 13th is RC's anniversary and then Valentine's. The comes a lot of birthdays, but I do not get this at all. Because I mean, Shannon is working on the marriage contract questions and he says some befuddle him, as he doesn't know what to do or say. Emily is like okay, he can't hack it and he doesn't care etc... but I know that is not the case at all. I mean I know lately is with me putting two and two together and it's not pretty just like thinking and working on the gate way questions. How do we keep those around us in peace while we're in turmoil, despite we know that our being in turmoil means we're close to a breakthrough and that much closer to being free and happy. I mean, we all understand Shannon has a life, just like everyone else does, but we're being torn because Emily sees it one way and we see it all very realistically. How do we overpower a feministic powerful woman? I told Shannon, "I'm just really tired of the flashbacks and pieceing two and two together. My brain won't shut up at all." I'm really that exhausted and feeling left alone. I'm tired of it, yet I know that if I continue and persevere, I will win and I will be fine, but Emily is really pushing us all to the limit. I know that is part of Emily's
job just like Jesse would protect me, if it came down to it. I understand all of this, but how do we make Shannon understand it. How do we get him to realize it's not about it, yet we make it out to be. It's frustrating and confusing. Why must Emily push him? I know it's her way of testing him and making sure he's really here for the long haul and I know she's out to get it to be where he loves us more than what she feels is a sexual thing, over seeing the bigger picture.

Why must Emily really see it like all men are bad and can't be trusted. It feels like a no win situation for everyone and it's hurting everyone all around us. I told Shannon that I really want us to talk more and stuff communication wise. But that it took two. Shannon says he understand that and is willing. I told Shannon we're not the type to spill guts out. We're more verbal written exchanges. We've all been that way, even Emily.

I've been trying to share our feelings, thoughts, and memories with Shannon. All of them, even the not so good ones. I told him don't take any of it too personal, just know it's an inside thing and he was left feeling, "something inside of you takes little things and makes them into major things." I know it's true. I just don't know how to stop it. I don't know what to do. I told Shannon that I have to do that because I've never had anything period. Never anything at all. We have to make the little things into big things, because we have been cheated all a long. We've never had anything at all, without some type of strings attached or a catch somewhere. I know it's insecurities and our venting and releasing things, to be free and happier in the long run, but I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to work this, so Shannon can understand.

Shannon said he can remember when he used to be the friend, and now it's like I won't be friends with him and I want to draw away from him. I told him I swear it's not that way at all because it is not, but Emily sees it that way and that is what is going on here. Emily tosses Shannon into a pile of MEN and says that we cannot/are unable to talk to him. We won't trust him and we cannot trust him. Because in the end they all leave or lie or something that we're hurt forever. I told Shannon that I just know I'm dealing with a lot and I don't know at all. I just know I'm trying to find my way and find my place, but it's hard because I've never had a place.

Emily and the rest of us are just terrified. We're so used to things happening a certain way that I don't know what to do. I've never had things any other way. I just know I'm used to being alone and I don't want that anymore. It's like I want Shannon, but we're left feeling like we have to force my way into his world. I just feel like I'm trying to be in your world, but there isn't room for me. Shannon swears it isn't this way at all, but I'm not used to change at all and I have anxieties that I have a hard time dealing with and I don't know how to work with these insecurities. I don't know how to find a common ground with Emily, so that we're all happy.

I told Shannon it seems like all he can do is just take it and we'll get thru it together, as outside groups online and my diaries, he's the only one around to let us all vent and still love us, although we don't get why. It's like it's hard to point anything out when Emily has seen it all happening and shes never said a word. It's like Emily sees everything like now is a chance and it is all coming out no matter whose or what is in way.

I told Shannon that this is how Emily is. I don't know if she'll ever come out. It's like she's the book and the tape recorder that no one sees or hears or anything, but she's there. Like a part of me that can't speak up or anything. It doesn't make sense, but that is how it is for me. It's like watching a movie and hearing narration, but not seeing anyone at all. I told Shannon that Emily is a part of me. The part of Emily in me, that only Emily in this part of me, has the
issue. None of us else do. I just know until I can calm her or calm this part of me, we'll continue to have this battle, I guess. I don't know how to calm it. I've never learned how. It's up to you to still stand by me, thru it all. I'm willing to do it. We're more than willing. I hope you will be too. I know he will. I just need to let him have the chance.

Comments

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Trying to overcome Emily is not the answer -- she is strong and in control. You need to negotiate with her, woman to woman. Trying to suppress her will only cause her to make things rougher in your lives. She is obviously competent and proud, and the way you describe her, it's clear that she feels men cannot possibly understand or sympathise (she sounds like a gender feminist, one who believes men and women are almost different species). She must have seen the institutionalised brutalisation and degradation of women by men -- your mom in particular -- and now, like your mom, rebels against that, wants action, wants to do something about it. She may worry that an attachment to Shannon, or any man, will stifle her, keeping her and the other women in your system from achieving their ambitions. She needs proof that Shannon is no threat, and that will take time. She needs things to do, things she is in charge of that make a real difference.

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[gia1977.livejournal.com]

I agree with what you said, I really do. I kinda knew that, still I am unsure of how to really do that of obtaining proof that Shannon isn't a threat. I do agree that we've seen the degration of women and her logic is that all men and women are different yes. It's been bad enough we read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" lol. I do agree she does need things to do and I agree it will take time. I will see what Emily and I can come up with for options. I just know this week was a start. Thank you so much for your words. They did mean a lot to me and to Emily, naturally. lol. Thank you again.

[jadedfaerie.livejournal.com]

just thought id say hi and ask if its ok to add you to my friends list, if not ill understand

Re:

[gia1977.livejournal.com]

Sure! I'll add you back too. I must warn though, I'm very foul mouthed and I tend to write long journals and I write frequently. If you really don't mind, feel free and I hope to get to know you better.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

I think it's hard that Emily is judging Shannon based on his gender. Feminism is not at its core about hating men, it's about a particular way of understanding experience that is based a lot on individual experience.

Maybe helping her see that and asking her to judge based on your experience with Shannon rather than seeing him as "some man" would help. Also I would ask Emily about her experience - it sounds like she learned from your mum but also other relationships? How is this one different and the same?

I agree that it's likely some good negotiation would help. Would she be willing to give him a chance for 6 months and then see if she still isn't having a good relationship with him?

Shandra

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[gia1977.livejournal.com]

You are right. Very much so right. I do agree it's not about man hating or based on gender. Shannon and us all, have been talking about how to work with us and work with Emily. Shannon finally understands that Emily is going to be the part of me with a back bone and that he needs to understand anything she says is to be taken with a grain of salt, because by the time she explodes, she's venting a lot of things at once. lol. Emily is going to give Shannon a good chance, since the rest of us do love him. I did ask Emily about her experiences and they've all been bad ones with men and we really didn't have anyone to learn from other than our mom. We did not have good relationships with men at all and not that hot ones with women either. I just know with Shannon it's different than ever before, because he knows how my past one were and he knows how my mom is and he's still here. I think Emily is just getting her bearings and finding what she can do and cannot do around Shannon. I do thank you for your opinions and you are right about them all. Thank you again. Hope you are doing well.

[chinrest.livejournal.com]

I find that drawing is a great way to let alters express themselves. Then take the drwings to therapy and discuss them there.
Might not what emily is into, but it works for us...just a thought :)

Re:

[gia1977.livejournal.com]

Hi, I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I love the idea of drawing, but I'm not that good at drawing period. Do you have tips? I would draw, but not sure how good it'd be. lol. I know I tend to draw empty barren trees or little things, nothing major. May I ask what you tended to draw?

[ex-khailitha846.livejournal.com]

Hi! I have several girls (and women) my system who hate men. They banded together and formed what We call COAAM (the Coalition Against All Men). It has been helpful for them to be functioning as a commitee when men issues arise. They seem to provide a balance for the lovemeloveme girls.

I have found it difficult to share a body and a life with so many who want different things and have different relationships with the outside people in my life. It seems like some of my people don't even live in neighboring realities. In Emily's reality, men are dangerous and being too close to one leaves you vulnerable to all kinds of damage. (Do I have that right, Emily?)

I've found that COAAM provides a useful service in bringing up programming that the lovemelove's might be running and setting boundaries. And We are all learning to revise Our opinions as We open up the processing of Our experience to include other ways to perceive men. The belief that all man are evil and want to hurt us is just as false as the belief that all men must love us and when they do, life will be wonderful. (+That is OUR little paradox of skewed reality. Yours probably looks different.+)

One thing that helps is that We have rules about the way that any of Us can communicate with outside people, especially outside people that are important to any of Us. All the old schtick about using language that describes the feeling a person is having and not laying blame or making universal judgements comes into play. Our people have permission to express whatever they want as long as they are taking responsibility for it being THEIR feeling and THEIR experience and not God's Own Truth.

It might be possible for Emily to revise her opinions once she has had some time to interact with your reality. And maybe, just maybe, something she is aware of would be useful to you.

^We don't know, really, but We like you alot so far and feel like you can trust your system.^