Sex, Truth, and Headvoices
Sep. 11th, 2007 03:17 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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multiplicity_archivesSo, I guess this is an introductory post, but I do have a question. I'll get to that later.
We're the group formerly known as the Silent Duet. We called ourselves that because there were only two of us, and we never let on to anyone that there were two of us. Now I think we're going to have to change our name since someone else has shown up (or rather, returned - long story). Anyways.
I'm Rose, and I, as far as either of us can tell, was the original inhabitant of this body. When I was about thirteen, I was walking down a hallway at school when I heard someone call my name. I glanced around, and then ran to class, thinking it was one of the meaner girls trying to make me look like an idiot. It happened again as I was leaving school that day. I let it go, but it kept happening. At first, I only heard the voice at school. And then I heard it at home, in my room, and I was terrified. I knew it was a male's voice, and he sounded much older than me. I was certain that he, whoever he was, was chasing me. I felt hunted, or pursued or something. I started trying to hide from this mysterious man whom I couldn't see. I'd rush between classes, play music, and even hide behind groups of my friends as if I expected him to jump out at me suddenly. He never did, and eventually I let my guard down a bit. Finally, one day after school, I noticed the local outcast girl (you know - the kid everyone makes fun of?) scurrying along on the side of the hallway. I couldn't help thinking that she really needed to start acting better. Scurrying around just made people think she was scared, and she shouldn't act scared. Normal, boring middle school thoughts. Soon, I heard him say my name for the thousandth time. I snapped, and shouted "What do you want?" To my surprise, he responded, "If you really feel that way about her, you should say something." I snapped back that I didn't have any feelings for that girl. He replied that I clearly felt that she should stand up for herself, and that was a feeling.
By the time I was on the bus, I'd forgotten everything but his voice. I was only thirteen, but I felt a rush of pleasure when I heard it. It was so... beautiful. I felt a rush of sexual feelings that lasted for several hours. Being young, I didn't think to be ashamed or worried by that. I just knew that I had to talk to him again, had to meet him. It wasn't until much later that night that I remembered that he had been speaking from inside my head and began to think about the implications.
Jenkins (that is one of his names) and I developed a quick rapport. I didn't question his reality, and he didn't question mine. I tried so hard to get him to tell me where he was, and, more importantly, who he was, but by the time I entered high school I came to realize that he didn't have answers to that. Most of my junior high and high school years were spent acting as our censor, for lack of a better term. Occasionally, I would slip up. A few times I answered him out loud (like in the beginning) instead of subvocalizing, and that caused problems. I remember the first time he fronted. It was during the summer, and I had just had a fight with my friend. I was laying in bed crying, and I felt him wash over me like a sweet and terrifying wave. Again, I felt sudden sexual desire as I lost control to him, but I did not become amnesiac in any way - I watched him wash my face, change into blue jeans, and sit down at my mom's computer to read an article about Gillian Anderson (we were both big X-files fans at the time.) After that, I wanted him to do it all the time, so I had to be very careful and control myself, or risk being discovered.
It's been something like ten years since I first met him. He's still here, and we've become very efficient at hiding ourselves, yet still manage to enjoy each other greatly. He sometimes takes classes or writes for me, and sometimes he fronts for an entire day to do whatever he wants. When I buy clothes, he always has a say. For my birthday last July, he played a trick on me. We were in a Big Box Mart, and I was looking at school supplies. "You need a birthday present," he said, and the next thing I knew I was outside with my shopping bag. I had all of my purchases, but the bag also contained several makeup items that weren't on my receipt. I'm pretty sure he shoplifted them, though he won't admit it really, but I guess it's the thought that counts.
Last week, I was under a lot of stress, and I sort of let it slip to my therapist (whom I see for bipolar disorder) that Jenkins exists. I'm pretty frightened about it, though Jenkins seems pretty chill. He keeps saying that my therapist is a good person, and wouldn't hurt either of us. At the end of the last session, the therapist was very flustered. It was like he started having hot flashes or stomach cramps when I told him about Jenkins. He tried to quote Thoreau ("I am large; I contain multitudes,") but it came out ("I am large; I contain multiple.") Now I'm pretty scared.
My two questions:
1) Anyone else told a therapist something like this? What happened?
2) Why do I feel so sexual towards him? It never dissipated, even though I was 13 and he was (and still is) 26. I feel like I'm cheating on my SO, but I can't help it.
We're the group formerly known as the Silent Duet. We called ourselves that because there were only two of us, and we never let on to anyone that there were two of us. Now I think we're going to have to change our name since someone else has shown up (or rather, returned - long story). Anyways.
I'm Rose, and I, as far as either of us can tell, was the original inhabitant of this body. When I was about thirteen, I was walking down a hallway at school when I heard someone call my name. I glanced around, and then ran to class, thinking it was one of the meaner girls trying to make me look like an idiot. It happened again as I was leaving school that day. I let it go, but it kept happening. At first, I only heard the voice at school. And then I heard it at home, in my room, and I was terrified. I knew it was a male's voice, and he sounded much older than me. I was certain that he, whoever he was, was chasing me. I felt hunted, or pursued or something. I started trying to hide from this mysterious man whom I couldn't see. I'd rush between classes, play music, and even hide behind groups of my friends as if I expected him to jump out at me suddenly. He never did, and eventually I let my guard down a bit. Finally, one day after school, I noticed the local outcast girl (you know - the kid everyone makes fun of?) scurrying along on the side of the hallway. I couldn't help thinking that she really needed to start acting better. Scurrying around just made people think she was scared, and she shouldn't act scared. Normal, boring middle school thoughts. Soon, I heard him say my name for the thousandth time. I snapped, and shouted "What do you want?" To my surprise, he responded, "If you really feel that way about her, you should say something." I snapped back that I didn't have any feelings for that girl. He replied that I clearly felt that she should stand up for herself, and that was a feeling.
By the time I was on the bus, I'd forgotten everything but his voice. I was only thirteen, but I felt a rush of pleasure when I heard it. It was so... beautiful. I felt a rush of sexual feelings that lasted for several hours. Being young, I didn't think to be ashamed or worried by that. I just knew that I had to talk to him again, had to meet him. It wasn't until much later that night that I remembered that he had been speaking from inside my head and began to think about the implications.
Jenkins (that is one of his names) and I developed a quick rapport. I didn't question his reality, and he didn't question mine. I tried so hard to get him to tell me where he was, and, more importantly, who he was, but by the time I entered high school I came to realize that he didn't have answers to that. Most of my junior high and high school years were spent acting as our censor, for lack of a better term. Occasionally, I would slip up. A few times I answered him out loud (like in the beginning) instead of subvocalizing, and that caused problems. I remember the first time he fronted. It was during the summer, and I had just had a fight with my friend. I was laying in bed crying, and I felt him wash over me like a sweet and terrifying wave. Again, I felt sudden sexual desire as I lost control to him, but I did not become amnesiac in any way - I watched him wash my face, change into blue jeans, and sit down at my mom's computer to read an article about Gillian Anderson (we were both big X-files fans at the time.) After that, I wanted him to do it all the time, so I had to be very careful and control myself, or risk being discovered.
It's been something like ten years since I first met him. He's still here, and we've become very efficient at hiding ourselves, yet still manage to enjoy each other greatly. He sometimes takes classes or writes for me, and sometimes he fronts for an entire day to do whatever he wants. When I buy clothes, he always has a say. For my birthday last July, he played a trick on me. We were in a Big Box Mart, and I was looking at school supplies. "You need a birthday present," he said, and the next thing I knew I was outside with my shopping bag. I had all of my purchases, but the bag also contained several makeup items that weren't on my receipt. I'm pretty sure he shoplifted them, though he won't admit it really, but I guess it's the thought that counts.
Last week, I was under a lot of stress, and I sort of let it slip to my therapist (whom I see for bipolar disorder) that Jenkins exists. I'm pretty frightened about it, though Jenkins seems pretty chill. He keeps saying that my therapist is a good person, and wouldn't hurt either of us. At the end of the last session, the therapist was very flustered. It was like he started having hot flashes or stomach cramps when I told him about Jenkins. He tried to quote Thoreau ("I am large; I contain multitudes,") but it came out ("I am large; I contain multiple.") Now I'm pretty scared.
My two questions:
1) Anyone else told a therapist something like this? What happened?
2) Why do I feel so sexual towards him? It never dissipated, even though I was 13 and he was (and still is) 26. I feel like I'm cheating on my SO, but I can't help it.
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no subject
Date: 2007-09-11 09:26 pm (UTC)Anyway, having romantic/sexual relationships or feelings towards a headmate isn't unusual. I don't think there has to be a "why" anymore than there has to be a "why" between singlets who are attracted to each other. And, er, we've told a counsellor about us, and it went fairly well, but we did play the whole thing down quite a bit.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 12:27 am (UTC)No one in our group has ever really felt any sexual feelings towards one another, but I agree with commodity_sign in that you need intimacy to have everyone be content. I wouldn't be worried about it though. There are groups where some have children with each other. I don't consider it cheating at all.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 02:53 am (UTC)As for the SO... can't say. We personally can't handle dating at this time because it became such a mess.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 02:57 am (UTC)One of my headmates is incredibly cunning and dark. He's done things to me, or tried to do things to me, that are unforgivable- he's betrayed my trust and stabbed me in the back numerous times, even trying to kill me. He doesn't care about me in the least. He would stop at nothing to get what he wants, only what he wants, and that is power of the body. I hesitate to use the word "evil", but what he has done even just this last week is so unthinkably manipulative and ruthless that I'm afraid it's becoming silly to think otherwise.
On the other hand, a queer turn of events has come about- knowing this evil mastermind that lives in my head, knowing his ruthlessness and passion, his willingness to do anything, no matter how twisted, in order to reach his goal- it's one of the most seductive and sensual experiences of my life. Imagine a young Hannibal Lecter at the back of your mind, constantly pushing buttons and turning keys on you, learning about your every weakness and vice, always trying to escape, forever using you. I hate him, and I'm inexorably drawn to him, like I've never been seduced by any of my headmates before. He's nearly ruined my life, and I can't escape the way he makes me feel. He knows this. He uses it. I can't trust him. It's a weird place to be in, for sure.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 03:30 am (UTC)By the way, there is nothing wrong with desiring an in-system relationship. I am married to one of my system-mates myself. As long as your partnership is healthy and truly consensual, then it does not matter.
Richard
Fen Group
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 04:51 am (UTC)What other things seem to need to be addressed, or seem unhealthy?
no subject
Date: 2007-09-12 10:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-14 04:59 pm (UTC)Coming out to a therapist
Date: 2008-09-22 03:40 am (UTC)Therapists FLIP OUT when there is any hint of a multiple. That's been my experience. I can't remember 8-12, so they assumed I had been molested, which turned out to be wrong.
I think all multiples have way above average coping skills, plus these on line forums. Reading about others has been a God send for me. One of my alters had been out for three years pretending to be me, and after finding these online sites about DID, and reading and learning from others with DID, she let go and let me be in charge again. We are co leaders now, and she writes on my skin if she disagrees with something I'm thinking. Who can I tell that to? I'm in a position I can't tell anybody I'm DID, so it's great to have these sites.