(no subject)

[walkerinthegrey.livejournal.com]

My name is Lucien, and I am a member of a multiple system.
It's shocking for me to admit it, but I suppose that I must.
I've been living an online life entirely separate from the others in my system, something that none of the others have tried. I've posted here and there in this community and in some other multiple's journals under Ace's username, taka_kitsune. I suppose it's all of ours, in some ways, since it was our journal before Ace realized that she wasn't alone, before we were allowed to be people in our own right.

I suppose my biggest problem with being multiple is that I am male, and the body is not. Does that make me a transsexual? *Laughs* I suppose it does. It sounds a lot kinkier when speak of it that way. Looking in the mirror is always a shock, seeing this pretty blonde looking back at me. The eyes are close, though. Grey. The body's eyes change, and when they are grey... I can almost see myself looking back through them, as if this face was but a mask, as if I could peel it away.
But I cannot. I will never be myself again, in my own body. I'll never have the chance to kiss someone I love with my own lips... Hell, I'll probably never have a chance to kiss anyone at all, and even if I could... they would never love me for myself. It depresses me. Extremely, sometimes. I feel like I'll drown in my lonliness, like I will die here in this prison of flesh. And fuck subtlety. I miss my dick.

I once had a conversation with a girl who was in love with a fictional character.
How do you explain it when you yourself are a fictional character in love with someone real?

I am rambling, though.
I'll go back to smothering my thoughts in online gaming and perhaps in sleep.
Though someone else always takes the body at night.
If it were me, I would stare at the ceiling till sunrise.
Alone in the flesh, if not in the mind.

Comments

[taka-kitsune.livejournal.com]

AArgh. Why don't you talk to me about these things before you go and spill your guts to an anonymous online community?

*sighs*
*hugs*
I love you. I want you to feel better.
But I refuse to get a sex change just for you. (Joking.) (No, saying that I'm joking does not mean that I will get a sex change for you.)

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

One of my 'brothers' has the same problem: he will only assume corporeality in an emergency, because he doesn't like being male in a female body. I thought to get him up here to talk to you himself, but he won't do it (he doesn't much like the computer either)... however, where you say,

"I will never be myself again, in my own body"

... he asks if you know what happened to your own body or how you come to be in the one you have now, adding that he doesn't mean to pry.

We are all sorry for your loneliness. *three hugs*

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

I'd just like to let you know you are not alone by any means. Most of the frontrunners in my system are male and this body is female. Things have got to change. And they will. Even the ladies agreed -- they don't care what gender the body is as long as it's healthy and comfortable.

I sometimes think of myself as transgendered but I have my own body back home too... and that's very real. So to me, it's more like changing the body so that it more reflects who we really are.

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

One of the hardest things for many of us about sharing this body is realizing that in this world, many of us will never have bodies which even remotely resemble who we truly are.

Whether it's because the gender of the body doesn't match, or the ethnicity, or even the species... there are days when we look in the mirror, and it just comes crashing down on us and it -hurts.-

Most of the time we've become numb to it, but every once in a while it decides to smack us for a loop, and we get bitter and resentful. In those moments, it feels shameful and humiliating, dishonoring, that people outside our body will never see what we truly are.

interesting thread

[sexylittleone.livejournal.com]

I'm what is called a Hyr...a female but present as masculine more or less insome ways. shrugs... I was male for a lot of years too...but changed bc I realized I am more female really... I just retained alot of masculine traits.

so thats how it has come down to...and I can relate to hating the body. I hated it for a long time too. Now I am female its not so bad really...but ya I can definitely remember feeling very odd about being ina female body.

Certainly it sucked I'll admit that...and well heh...wanted more than anything to get rid of breasts lol.

so ya you're not alone.

Adriana (not telling you My former name, sorry)

Not alone

[gia1977.livejournal.com]

Nope not alone! Jesse and Jake are male! I know I take on masculine tones or find myself somewhat dressed extremely tomboy-ish mode, as they are out. Used to freak me out, but now I'm getting used to it! I like how men get scared around me when Jesse or Jake come out. Makes me feel a lot safer. (They are my protectors) So, one for the boys! *thumbs up*

[myrai.livejournal.com]

I once had a conversation with a girl who was in love with a fictional character.
How do you explain it when you yourself are a fictional character in love with someone real?

If you are here and talking to us, I don't think you're a fictional character, not the way people usually say "fictional". Maybe you have fictional origins - I don't know - but since you have your own thoughts and feelings, you're obviously real. Not having your own body doesn't make you not-real.

...I miss my own body, too. The one I have now is the right gender, at least, but it makes me sad to know I'll never really look like me again.

Viola

[storyteller2001.livejournal.com]

hi lucien.

we just wanted to respond a little bit to some of what you said. we understand that gender stuff can be really difficult and really confusing, and that's exponentially more complex when you bring multiplicity into it.

we have a wide mix of genders in here. there are several hundred of us and we kind of run the gamut in lots and lots of areas. as a system we consider ourself to be transgendered, though not transsexual. most of the folks here are pretty ok with the body being female. though it really bothers some of the guys. randy was the first guy we met who it really bothered. he stayed out for a long time and flirted with our roommate. :) he only left when we had to go to the bathroom (and to make matters worse it was that time of month...) that was too much for him and we haven't seen him since. if ryan comes out and the body is wearing a skirt or dress, he'll put on sweats or something before he'll go out.

but the one who did the most work (and had the most issues) on this was tom. he was the first guy who had a very strong self identity and self-image of himself as male. and he wanted to interact in all ways as a man. including sexually. he has/had a girlfriend in our partner's system. the first time they had sex it worked really well for both of them. and phone sex worked. but after the first time he became very self-consious and felt like he was inadequate and he couldn't make love to her the way he wanted to, etc. we tried to find some support for him, but the different f2m lists and stuff ignored our letters asking for help or resources. so we started a mailing list called mpd_and_gender. he worked on stuff on his own, we worked on stuff with him. his girlfriend worked on stuff with him. she had no complaints and felt he was more than adequate, but he couldn't accept that. he kind of had a semi-psychotic break (unrelated to the gender issues) a few years ago and hasn't been out since. we miss him.

our partner is also multiple and they likewise have many genders in their system. as a system, they are an m2f transsexual. which makes things a little complicated for the guys in their system. there are relatively few of them. one of her guys has a girlfriend in our system and they are Very sexually active. he sometimes has similar issues to those that tom dealt with. he considers himself to be a man in a woman's body, which confused some people in here initially, though we understand it better now.

like i said...multiplicity complicates things exponentially.

anyway. i'm sorry to ramble so long and i hope we didn't say anything bad or inappropriate adn didn't bore you to tears. :)

one last thing...while it may not feel that way right now, it is very possible to be seen, accepted, and loved completely for who YOU are, not just for the body or the system. and this isn't JUST possible with other multiples. it is possible with singleton's too.

take care and good luck. feel free to email us if you want.
storyteller

[36.livejournal.com]

"Hell, I'll probably never have a chance to kiss anyone at all, and even if I could... they would never love me for myself. It depresses me."

I have to totally disagree with this, it's perfectly possible to find people who'll love you for you and not your body. It hasn't been hard for me.

-Adam (happily in love)

[theothermes.livejournal.com]

Um dont know really what to say but i know about the male being in a female body thing. My name is Justin and I'm 15 and well my core is a female. The only other boy inside is chris and well right now he is a ghost um, long story. But anyway I'm just now really coming out in the body some and it feels weireder then hell. I don't like it at all but Adriana is trying to help me. I guess a part that helps is well I'm bi so no matter what sex we get with, I'm ok. My core is into women thou so, thats sort of cool hehe. She um has a Mistress who is a alter in another body. But um yeah, I understand the whole boy in female body thing, believe me.