Questions:
Dec. 14th, 2003 02:45 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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multiplicity_archivesI know none of you can diagnose me with dissociative identity disorder, but I am curious to know what extent of dissociativeness I have reached.
Psychiatric background: I was always really dissociative as a child. In school, I'd get yelled at a lot for not hearing other people talking to me. I suspect I appeared somewhat autistic. It was life threatening a few times when I was so unaware of what was going on that I ended up in a dangerous situation (like walking off of a cliff because I wasn't actually aware that the trail was turning). I was 14/15 when I finally got put into therapy for "chronic/severe/clinical depression" which later they changed to "dysthymic disorder." I was institutionalized about four times for "depression and suicide." I was diagnosed pretty quickly with "post-traumatic-stress-disorder." The list goes on: insomnia, anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue syndrome.. All of the diagnoses after that point just flew around in the air, changing every year to something new. Borderline PD to Manic Depression to possible Schizophrenia blah blah. It doesn't seem to stop. I was put on a huge amount of different psychological medications for years, none of which ever did me any good.
Medical background: I'm not sure this applies, but I think it might relate because it's a somatic disorder. I was diagnosed with severe irritable bowel syndrome which is chronic and I got from my father. It means that all of my psychological and physical stress goes to my stomach. This condition has left me bed ridden and close to death several times in my life. Sometimes I wonder if the "trauma" my therapists label me with might actually just be my physical condition.
Personal healing: I have had journals since I was 10 years old. I still continue to write in my journals every day. It's a dependency really. At one point, one day, I started having a conversation with myself in my journal, but it didn't feel right. It felt as though someone else was answering- mostly because the responses came too suddenly, without thought and I had no will to revise what was said. It was extremely natural and flowed very well. So I just kept writing. Then, soon after, I decided to confront the person. I asked them who they were. Once I got answers, it became extremely complex. I devoted my journals to different aspects of my personalities and I'm such a geek, I made a website categorizing them [http://www.websurfer13.com/sisters.htm]. I've found that it's constantly evolving. Someone new pops up every now and then and I have to take notes on it. Being perceptive is the most important part of actually figuring out about them- rather than just using my imagination. I feel like some of them drop hints here and there and expect me to find them later. Some feel as though they are already dead. Others feel like they're not even here yet- just manifestations of what I will become in the future. None of this makes sense to me. I just go with it because it's healing for me and helps me stay organized with myself.
I want to know if any of you relate to this. I want to know which parts stand out to you. I want to know if this is just bullshit in my head. I want to know how to expand my journals and personality exploration. I want to know how the dynamics of this works. I want in deeper. I also want to know tips on controlling the 'switching.' I only feel that I only switch when necessary. Otherwise, I have no control over it. Usually I'm not even aware that I'm doing it. It just happens. (Especially during sex and when I'm stressed out). I often find that I cannot talk about it or what I'm experiencing hardly at all with anyone. Is that normal? I try to draw all these elaborate journals and websites to help others see what is in my head, but I'm still unsatisfied. I feel as though I have so much creativity and understanding hiding inside me somewhere and I just can't seem to tap into it.
Psychiatric background: I was always really dissociative as a child. In school, I'd get yelled at a lot for not hearing other people talking to me. I suspect I appeared somewhat autistic. It was life threatening a few times when I was so unaware of what was going on that I ended up in a dangerous situation (like walking off of a cliff because I wasn't actually aware that the trail was turning). I was 14/15 when I finally got put into therapy for "chronic/severe/clinical depression" which later they changed to "dysthymic disorder." I was institutionalized about four times for "depression and suicide." I was diagnosed pretty quickly with "post-traumatic-stress-disorder." The list goes on: insomnia, anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue syndrome.. All of the diagnoses after that point just flew around in the air, changing every year to something new. Borderline PD to Manic Depression to possible Schizophrenia blah blah. It doesn't seem to stop. I was put on a huge amount of different psychological medications for years, none of which ever did me any good.
Medical background: I'm not sure this applies, but I think it might relate because it's a somatic disorder. I was diagnosed with severe irritable bowel syndrome which is chronic and I got from my father. It means that all of my psychological and physical stress goes to my stomach. This condition has left me bed ridden and close to death several times in my life. Sometimes I wonder if the "trauma" my therapists label me with might actually just be my physical condition.
Personal healing: I have had journals since I was 10 years old. I still continue to write in my journals every day. It's a dependency really. At one point, one day, I started having a conversation with myself in my journal, but it didn't feel right. It felt as though someone else was answering- mostly because the responses came too suddenly, without thought and I had no will to revise what was said. It was extremely natural and flowed very well. So I just kept writing. Then, soon after, I decided to confront the person. I asked them who they were. Once I got answers, it became extremely complex. I devoted my journals to different aspects of my personalities and I'm such a geek, I made a website categorizing them [http://www.websurfer13.com/sisters.htm]. I've found that it's constantly evolving. Someone new pops up every now and then and I have to take notes on it. Being perceptive is the most important part of actually figuring out about them- rather than just using my imagination. I feel like some of them drop hints here and there and expect me to find them later. Some feel as though they are already dead. Others feel like they're not even here yet- just manifestations of what I will become in the future. None of this makes sense to me. I just go with it because it's healing for me and helps me stay organized with myself.
I want to know if any of you relate to this. I want to know which parts stand out to you. I want to know if this is just bullshit in my head. I want to know how to expand my journals and personality exploration. I want to know how the dynamics of this works. I want in deeper. I also want to know tips on controlling the 'switching.' I only feel that I only switch when necessary. Otherwise, I have no control over it. Usually I'm not even aware that I'm doing it. It just happens. (Especially during sex and when I'm stressed out). I often find that I cannot talk about it or what I'm experiencing hardly at all with anyone. Is that normal? I try to draw all these elaborate journals and websites to help others see what is in my head, but I'm still unsatisfied. I feel as though I have so much creativity and understanding hiding inside me somewhere and I just can't seem to tap into it.
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My Two Cents
Date: 2003-12-14 05:50 pm (UTC)Do what is healing for you.
Date: 2003-12-14 06:11 pm (UTC)Your being multiple may be unrelated to dissociation. The "dissociative" episodes you describe may have nothing to do with a mental condition. They could be neurological.
Sometimes I wonder if the "trauma" my therapists label me with might actually just be my physical condition. Quite likely. Also, diet can affect emotional and mental status as well as physical health.
At one time, when homosexuality was not a subject for primetime television, young people who were gay had no words to describe their feelings. Being unable to speak of your experiences is unsurprising in a society that denies visibility and cultural permission to multiples except in terms of irrational and criminal behaviour -- exactly as gays were once portrayed.
You are already doing what is the best advice we could give you -- your own self-inquiries. Luck to you! Keep writing.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-14 06:58 pm (UTC)Thought Policemedical establishment, where I stayed until I turned 18 and could legally walk away.I don't see a lot of difference between the APA and the Inquisition, except that their methods are subtler, and I do not acknowledge the validity of their "diagnoses". Dr. Thomas Szasz (http://reason.com/0007/fe.js.curing.shtml)'s got THEIR number, all right.
Medical background: I've had musculoskeletal pain since my teens, when they were calling it "arthritis"... the word these days is "fibromyalgia", but I don't see that changing the label has changed the pain any. If I do not eat right, sleep enough, drink enough water, get enough fresh air and exercise, and avoid the substances that cause me problems, I have pain - sometimes enough pain to incapacitate me for significant periods. When I take proper care of myself, I do not have pain, or not enough to worry about. Y'know, all those years when the doctors were supposedly "treating" me, they never even asked what I ate. Amazing, eh?
I've been writing all my life, and I do have conversations "with myself" in writing... with my "muses", more specifically. It gets a little complicated, because this is quite distinct from internal conversations with the co-occupants of this body, my two 'brothers' (who consider themselves to be a single person in some regards.) Neither of them write; one of them doesn't even know how and seldom speaks - that's the one who has to be corporeal for a couple of hours a day, and gets very unhappy if he can't be. Unfortunately, he is not able to deal with people/civilization at all.
This caused problems with "uncontrolled switching" in the years before my/our situation was set up to give him the time and space to live a physical life. His twin is prone to periods of black melancholy and "post-traumatic death syndrome", flashbacks of an entirely different life, severe guilt, grief and rage over things that certainly never happened in/to this body. Sex... *sigh*... yeah, we never have really gotten that one worked out satisfactorily; celibacy seems to be the most expedient solution. Most of the time, though, things are peaceful in the House these days; we work together pretty well.
*shrugs* I don't talk about ANY of this with most people, and only talk about some parts of it with a few close friends. I consider it highly unstrategic to give people any excuse to discount or marginalize me, and anyway, I have no real explanation for why I'm so weird in so many ways. My family called me "changeling" when I was little, not really as much in jest as they pretended... it was as accurate a label as I think I'm ever going to get. Well hey, in cultures where people seriously believe in changelings, the common response is to kill them. I don't forget the lessons the public schools and the
Thought Policemedical establishment taught me about what happens to people who are too visibly different.My advice? Refuse to label yourself as "disordered", or to let anyone else label you that way. If you have no illness a doctor could cure (or that you would want cured), there's really no point in having a diagnosis.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-15 01:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-16 10:35 pm (UTC)I always feel like when the others come around and we talk that they could be my thoughts. But at the same time they defintly aren't.
If you are trying to switch you could find activities which draw certain person or people out. If you are trying not to switch let me know.
Mel, Tara, Holly, Pattie ... et al ... ASRAIS
interesting thread
Date: 2003-12-17 01:51 pm (UTC)shrugs that is my best advice. what you've done so far seems to be excellent...and helpful for you all. I hope it continues & works for you. *S*
El