Functionality/dealing with others

[shandra.livejournal.com]

I'm liking all the discussion lately. I was thinking about this question of boundaries vs. giving people a chance and thought some sharing might be useful. 

I was thinking about the whole question of people inside a system (like, people in our system) who don't behave appropriately to our friends/loved ones.  In the past, and occasionally in the present too although less and less in some ways at least, we have sometimes lashed out at people. I certainly have, and probably will again.  The thing is that a lot of our path towards being comfortable and happy as people has been to learn NOT to lash out at our own and each other's friends.  

How we learned this was, sadly, in part by losing relationships that were valuable to us. That's what motivated us to change.  For example, I had a SO who was deeply important to me, a relationship of 7 years. When I was made non-corporeal and lost about a year's worth of time, other people in my system severed that relationship and it never really recovered despite his willingness (eventually) to believe in our multiplicity.  

That was a very painful experience, and it did HELP (not RESOLVE, but help) when it came to my feeling equally trapped/uncertain about other people's significant others... I at least learned not to break up with other people on someone in my system's behalf.

For that reason I truly believe that putting up with erratic and disrespectful behaviour from people within a multiple system is entirely UNhelpful.  

I don't mean that I feel I have to write someone off the first time some "angry other person" comes and tells me off (and actually I have a  fairly high tolerance for conflict, being of the feisty-protector persuation).  But if a system repeatedly allows one of its members to attack me, and doesn't work with me and each other to resolve the situation in some way, then I do feel perfectly okay in establishing boundaries, and even walking away. I think sometimes that is the most respectful thing to do.

I was wondering what other "tough love" lessons people had learned, if people feel like sharing.  

ETA: Sorry about the lj-cut; darn rich text editor ;)

Comments

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

This is very true. I've often been stuck between my ex and Tahl, trying to stop Tahl hijacking to say very angry things at times, and trying to negociate between them. They're mellowing out, slowly, but the conflict between them put the seal on the end of my relationship, sadly.

Boundries are important, I think. You have to know when to say 'no', or decide when enough is enough. I also think that boundries should be wide and flexible, and set according to what you're willing to offer others. It seems to work for me.

[overlord-mordax.livejournal.com]

Massha and I have a hard time being civil to one another a lot of the time, let alone managing to agree on major life choices. I've experienced similar relationship problems to you, thankfully so far Massha hasn't managed to get my boyfriend so pissed at me he never wants to date me again, but there've been times that I was worried. Esspecially when she makes it clear that she does not like him most of the time. We're still trying to figure out how to work that out to everyone's mutal comfort.