Dilemma

[cross-clan.livejournal.com]

I'm not trying to ruin any-ones easter; but I have a dilemma that some of you my have some insight on.
I will try to make this as short as possible.
My spouse and I both have systems that basically were created from the same group of people, our family's through their religious organization.
I haven't had any relations With my family for some time; However my spouses mother wants to see our "babies" especially on holidays.
The problem is that she has had an abusive childhood as well, and is plural, And hasn't accepted any of her other souls. When she visits, Nether of us trust her around the children. Furthermore even when we watch her around the children she can't seem to stop making inappropriate comments like, Have you identified any faces? or makes references to putting blood in thier food. This is triggering and unacceptable to us, but when we try to confront her she switches to a younger person. We are really tring to respect her position because hes didn't have a peachy life ether. So we've given her every excuse as to why she can't come over, and we are running out. Any suggestions?

- Beth

Comments

[mylittlebox.livejournal.com]

"We don't want you here. We feel as though your visits are not beneficial to us or to our children."

If she asks "Why?" tell her:

"I'm sorry, but the decision is made."

[cross-clan.livejournal.com]

We've told her similar things,and maybe a week would go by then some-one else would come out and show up. short of moving we feel stuck.

-Beth

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

Blood in their food? O_O

Whut?

[cross-clan.livejournal.com]

She's been konwn to be more graghic than that. And when she says these things we tell her to leave. She just doesn't seem toget it.

-Beth

[our-menagerie.livejournal.com]

Tell her it doesnt matter who is out, none of them are welcome in your home until she gets the help she needs? I am nice to most people to the detriment of myself but everyone has to draw a line somewhere and Id say that is over the line but thats just our opinion.

[weirdiguess.livejournal.com]

Don't stand for it. If you don't or can't trust her around the kids, that's all you need to know. You don't have to justify yourself unless you want to, and they're your damned kids. You've got a right to stand your ground.

If you want to set up conditions like her getting help or keeping those comments out of the house, do it, if you want to explain why she's not allowed to visit, do it, and if you want to just say no and not give any reasons or excuses, do it. You're the one who gets the final say. Don't take any crap when it comes to your kids.

[aristastarfyr.livejournal.com]

Agreed. To me, this is a safety issue, regardless of who's out and about. If your mother and all her people refuse to listen to you that you don't want her around, then go to the police and get a restraining order.

It's sad that there was such abuse in all your lives, but only you can stop the chain. Your children can't and they come first. Sympathy does not equate allowing this terror to continue.

[lightning-seeds.livejournal.com]

Being a multiple is like being a small country... the country as a whole is responsible for what each member does. Your mother-in-law, as a whole, is not safe for your children to be around.

You and your husband, likewise as small countries, get to decide what sorts of agreements and treaties you will have with the world beyond your borders. Your children's well-being is also your responsibility.

If a firm explanation doesn't do the trick, a la mylittlebox's suggestion, then I recommend using aristastarfyr's suggestion and resorting to legal means.

I made the same decision years ago with my family and my own children and have never regretted it.

[delraith.livejournal.com]

That decision was a good decision.

Do act on keeping that woman away from your children, who knows what I would do if someone dared to threaten any kids I would have.

---

Hi mom! We wont read your journal cuz we're guessing you dont want us to, but hi all the same.

We we're going to say, "You have our mum's painting as your userpic." Then we put the dots together...

[lightning-seeds.livejournal.com]

Hey kidlet.

Thanks for the validation of my decision to keep you guys as safe as I could.

You can read if you want... just don't lead anyone else back with you. Not everyone we know is multiple or multiple friendly and we want a place where we can be open.

Love you!

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

If you don't want her near the children, then don't let her.

-Butterfly

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Doesn't matter whether or not she's plural. If she's making abusive or frightening statements to your children or you, you don't have to stand for it. If you have to get a restraining order, get one.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

I think the previous comments are great.

I'd add to it: if our system were non-functional and doing abusive shit I would not only /expect/ but /hope/ that people would keep their kids away from us!

I'm sorry, but if a system cannot take responsibility for making sure everyone behaves around my kids, that entire system is not welcome. Ever. End. of. story.

I think there is a compassionate way to explain it to her, although that doesn't mean she will hear it. You can say that you appreciate that she has had a rough life. You can tell her that you love her and that you will continue to be in touch with her and that you want to continue to be a family. BUT, your childrens' safety is your top priority and you have had concerns. Whether you are right or wrong it is your decision to make as the kids' parents, and it is made.

So she cannot come and see the kids any more, unless she has been in therapy for a year and there is a plan in place. (Or whatever you want to say, but I say a year minimum.)

Period. No arguing. I suppose you could /briefly/ tell her what the behaviour is that concerns you. But it is not a negotiation. It really doesn't matter who is 'wrong' and who is 'right' - they are your kids and you do what you think is right in terms of protecting them.

And then if she shows up, you lock the door. And if she has a key, change the locks today. If someone else shows up, tough shit for them. It is not a democracy.

All this is going to make family gatherings awkward but you know what? Your kids should not be exposed to this nonsense. I have sympathy about the idea of taking the kids out, etc. - my mother is not quite so crazy and we do that kind of mixed gathering thing - but really if she's making references to /blood/ in their /food/ that is freaking disturbing to young kids. And there is no way to control that. She's lost her chance.

Then send your husband to take her out to lunch or whatever to show her that you're not rejecting her, but that you are rejecting her abusive behaviour and protecting your kids. That's your job as a parent. Don't parent her; parent your kids.

[cross-clan.livejournal.com]

Thank you every-one. These comments have helped us greatly. I have some new ideas try out. being blunt may be the best course of action.

-Beth

[pthalo]

I'd avoid them. She isn't respectful to you.