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[annabellelaw.livejournal.com]

I’m going to put this up on my LJ so that people can learn a little bit more about me.

First off I’m multiple. What does that mean?

Well, a multiple is a person with more than one personality I guess. What this means for me is that there are two people in my head, using the same body. The other person who lives with me inside here is Ash. Multiplicity is sometimes called DiD or MPD but I don't like those psychicatic terms as they refer to disorders of the mind; remember: homosexuality bisexuality and not being a good christian used to be 'mental disorders'.

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How does multiplicity happen? There are a lot of ways, but three main ones. The one that appears most often in ‘official’ literature is trauma-based multiplicity. This is where a child suffers from some trauma (abuse, death of a loved one) and their mind doesn’t have the tools to cope with it, so their mind splits (or a new personality appears) and produces a mind able to deal with the trauma and erm… I guess a day-to-day mind. Well, with me there’s only two of us, but in other ‘systems’ (as some multiples refer to themselves) there are lots.

Erm, I should probably break here to explain some terms. 

‘Fronting’ is where one ‘member’ of a ‘system’ is in control of the body. ‘Co-fronting’ is where two are in charge jointly at a time. A ‘front-runner’ is a personality that is in charge a lot (in systems with lots of members there are usually a core group of front-runners who deal with the outside world). An ‘inner-world’ is a mental head-space where those who are not fronting spend their time… not all multiples have one (I don’t)… and can be like anything (I’ve heard descriptions of castles, cities, cottages, fantasy-worlds, alien-planets, modern offices from other multiples). ‘Switching’ is when the person controlling the body switches places and another person takes charge. A ‘trigger’ is something that causes switching. ‘Switchy’ is when you are in a situation where several of you are constantly switching places.

The terms I use differ slightly, I usually say ‘up’ instead of ‘fronting’ and ‘down-inside’ for when one of us isn’t fronting.

Sorry, erm, oh… types of multiple formation. Well, there’s trauma-based systems of course, and this is the one that pops up most in psychiatrists offices. Because psychiatrists only see multiples who are trauma-based and having problems, all psychiatric material assumes that multiplicity is caused by trauma and need to be helped. As such multiples who see psychiatrists for other problems are likely to be misdiagnosed and some form of ‘cure’ attempted; or schizophrenia will be diagnosed, as the symptoms can be similar. Usually this is ‘integration’ where the psychiatrist will try to force the various personalities to become one ‘healthy’ mind. As such, healthy multiples (that is, multiples who are OK with being several people sharing a body) who need to go to see a shrink for other problems avoid doing so and tend to get worse or not receive treatment. It is possible for one personality to have mental problems or delusions but for others to be perfectly healthy, but explaining to someone who has official books saying that multiples are mad and need to be cured that you are fine but the other people in your head are depressed means that at best you won’t receive the care you need and in some cases may be imprisoned against your will!

We really need some sort of multiple-awareness march. We could march 10,000 of us down the street and still only have 1 person in the march if we picked the right system. : )

Sorry, oh, other types of multiple formation. Well there are non-trauma multiples. When children are young they test out various world-models. They figure out that behaviour A brings reaction A, behaviour B brings reaction B and behaviour C brings reaction C. If the child learns that behaviour A & B are incompatible with behaviour C then the kid has to pick wither to go with being the type of person that behaves like A & B or, be the type of person that behaves like C. Of course, this isn’t a series of conscious decisions, it’s just how minds develop. Often part of a developing mind (a ‘mindlet’?) goes “I want to be A&B and C” and the mind splits. One of these ‘mindlets’ ends up going inside and forming part of the unconscious mind and one of these ‘mindlets’ ends up being more useful (or more used) and ends up as part of the mental toolkit/worldview of the conscious mind. Sometimes though instead of forming one ‘conscious’ mind you get a couple of conscious minds co-existing. Each of these co-existing infant minds has a mental toolkit for dealing with the outside world, and each of these toolkits is equally valid but mutually incompatible (like one has the tool “To get sweets I should be good and I’ll get them for being good” and another has the tool “To get sweets I should ask for them and if I don’t get them I’ll cry and scream” and another has a tool-kit which has the tool “I should push other children over and take their sweets”) so they don’t merge into a single mind but end up co-existing.

There are other theories like mind possession by spirits and odd things, but I think those are too much like religion and not enough like common sense.

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What is multiplicity like? Well, obviously it’s different for everyone. I can only say what it’s like for me.

Some times I’m not aware of the outside world, when I’m ‘deep down’, sometimes I’m aware but it’s like being in a dream or being very sleepy, sometimes it’s like I can see what’s going on and everything but Ash is in control, and sometimes I’m in control. When Ash is ‘up’ but I’m in charge it feels like he’s looking over my shoulder. Sometimes I can’t remember things that Ash has done when he’s up and I’m not and I get sort of gaps in my memory. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I can get his memories randomly afterwards, kind of like when you remember a dream that you’ve had a long time afterwards. The same is true for Ash, you know, like when I’m up and he’s ‘deep down inside’ he won’t know what’s going on and stuff.

Sometimes we ‘talk’ and we can hear each others voices in our head, sometimes we can just kind of feel the other person, and sometimes we can’t.

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Why am I multiple? Well, my theory is that when we were young we were one person, but early in puberty we decided to be more ‘cool’ (we had braces and stuttered and had silly hair like tim-nice-but-dim) so we decided to model ourselves more on the Fonz and the Cat. I think that’s when ‘Ash’ was born, because he’s more confident than me, and I’m the original. I think I should have been born a girl but the pressures on us to conform and be manly together with the decision to be cooler ‘made’ Ash and pushed me deep down inside for years and years and occasionally I’d kind of pop up near to the surface but not really enough to be aware, then some years back in our early 20’s I resurfaced.

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How are Ash & I different? Well, the most obvious difference is that the body is male and so is he so he ends up ‘up’ a lot, but I’m definitely female (I guess that makes me a non-operative FtM transsexual or something, but I just prefer the term ‘girl’ or ‘trans’). My body disgusts me at times… if I had my way I’d be up on an operating table tomorrow! Everything about my body depresses me when I think about it and makes me want to cry (I’ll stop writing this bit now because I’m starting to cry now). Erm… oh, he likes mint-choc-chip ice-cream and I like strawberry ice-cream. I like dressing how I feel and looking how I feel to try to make my body on the outside look like I feel – Ash doesn’t approve of wearing skirts at all. Erm… I like pink, I guess I overcompensate by trying to be over-girly sometimes, but I do like pink. Girly things make us switchy. I deal with pain better than Ash, but just hitting him doesn’t make me come up (the opposite infact), and sometimes I like pain. Erm, I’m sexually submissive (he’s not), more submissive in generally really I guess, he’s more assertive than I am. Our libidos are different, mine is huuuuuge (Ash jokes sometimes that I’m just a crotch on legs). We both like sci-fi and fantasy. I like pop songs, 80’s pop and stuff like Aqua and Brittnay and definitely Madonna and Gwen Stefanni things. Erm… he likes 80’s rock and some techno stuff and film soundtracks. Oh, we both like the fruity-oaty-bar commercial from the film Serenity. He’s like 29, I’m younger (he says I act like a teenager sometimes)

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Erm, what would you like to know about me? Do you have any questions? Hi!

Comments

[xanguisettex.livejournal.com]

we don't really have inner space either. we co-front. don't really switch anymore either, though i will talk when asked to. i stay on the sidelines but i am always there when needed. integration isn't really feasible or possible, and i don't think it will ever happen. this started due to trauma, but it works and keeps us alive and...well living. and honestly, that's a good thing. i don't think it could have otherwise.

anyway good summary of things. nice to meet you.

sarah