I'm Sure This Has Been Asked Before

[adreamerforme.livejournal.com]

How do you manage having different sexualities in a system?

(We write these posts in third person only to avoid confusion.....)

We have almost a full range in our group, a Straight woman (Lala), a bi-curious lesbian (Anam) (she claims lesbian most of the time, but we know better), and a lesbian (Sadeyl). We also have different sexual interests. Lala and Anam are interested in BDSM in different degrees, but Sadeyl detests the idea (she believes partners should be equal in sexual activities as well as life activities, and she hates pain).

This is what we're struggling with right now because we all wish to front and we all wish to have lives that suit us. We're trying to figure out how to give everyone what they want in some way without bothering others in the group.

Any ideas, suggestions, or stories how you worked out issues like this.... are most appreciated.

THANKS!

Anamyse

Comments

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

I can say what works for us.. is that many of us have different partners..
Brighid has her husband.
I have my Lady.(which is really strange since I'm gay, but it works)
The rest of Valerian house has their Sir & Ma'am
Micah and Gabe have their wife.

It took. TAKES.. lots of talking, and working together, and working with our partners.. but I can say we've never been happier, more stable, or safer in our lives..

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

I don't think we can say anything that sounds better than your comment, Darius. :)

Amalah

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

tank you.. it's what works best for us.. but we don't expect it'll be something feasible for everyone.. we're very glad we are so fortunate to have the partners/people in our lives that we do.

[ricktboy.livejournal.com]

I have my Lady.(which is really strange since I'm gay, but it works)


Don't worry about it, mate. I've been there. I'm as gay as they come, but I fell for a little dyke once. It happens, as long as you're happy, 's all that matters. I learned that from 'er.

Wolf
Pack Collective

[our-menagerie.livejournal.com]

Dude Im gay and have a Mistress. People use to say that meant I wasnt really gay but I am! lol thanks for saying that bcuz it made me feel not quite so weird about it.

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

you're welcome.. it used to.. and still does have me questioning my orientation, but my relationship with Ma'am.. is really important to me. I love her as my Owner, my friend, and my Alpha.. but not as a lover.... that's different.

[our-menagerie.livejournal.com]

I guess thats where I get confused because my Mistress is all of those things and my lover too and She is lesbian. *shrugs* It just works for U/us somehow and so we just try to ignore all the labels other people put on us.

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

*nods*
that could be interesting.. *thinks* Ma'am claimed me to keep me safe and give me structure.. and support.. cause she loves me..and well lots of other things.. The important thing is that people are happy, and safe.. however they define that..

[mylittlebox.livejournal.com]

Often, Auroch and I work out something sexually for each other.

If not, he can usually tone down his desires to something merely rough and dominating with whatever parter I have, rather than the destructive sexual behavior he seems to have toward everyone else but me. I think he resents me looking outside of him for a partner, though.

And usually, the partner doesn't know. They just think I have nights where I'm wild.

[ex-pinkmonk.livejournal.com]

We're having that problem right now. Only two people (including me, the House) are sexually active, but we've really been hitting a wall. It gets compounded with the fact that Joely's a gay male in my female body. I guess I have no actual advice since I'm struggling with the balancing act too, but I do wish you luck.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=multiplicity&keyword=gender+/+sexuality&filter=all might help...

[ricktboy.livejournal.com]

in the honeycomb, we have a rule that no one is denied their own life. While inside Faith and Tara are married, they are polyamorous, like I am with my husband(he's a singlemind).

Faith,Tara,Wolf and Liz have all had outside-body relationships, and both my husband, and their partners are always aware of our multiplicity.

Faith, Tara, Wolf and myself are all into BDSM, in different ways, but Liz isn't at all.

Faith and Liz are bisexual(Liz leans more towards men) Tara's a lesbian, and I'm genderqueer bisexual. Wolf's gay.

hope it helps.
Rick
Pack Collective

[our-menagerie.livejournal.com]

Hi Im fish, Im a gay guy in a female body but I have a Mistress in the BDSM sense who is also my lover, and I have a boy in Her system who is also my lover though he isnt around much. Most of the girls in here are lesbian and into bdsm. Being involved with another body who is also multiple helps some people even though that has its own challenges. Also being polyamorous the body could have more than one outside lover if you believe in that sort of thing. We do but not everyone thinks its right. Then there are some in here who just dont have relationships because it would be too hard to involve any more bodies, not to mention find someone else who would understand all the intricacies of our relationships. Sorry I dont have any really concrete advice, it is hard, but you just have to find what works for you best.

[tempusfrangit.livejournal.com]

were the rainbow, man. we cover the spectrum and then some. its all good, tho, since it all works out for us somehow. unless someone gets uppity and demands to date just one of us and were stuck in a situation where we cant do shit. it's happened. bah.

that never works out, tho. the holding of one person. cause everyone else gets pissy. anyroad. later.

[debonnairejacob.livejournal.com]

The 'bonder/host/core is a pansexual biological female. Her gender is fluid (partly do to me we think) as is her sexuality.

Jacob is a heterosexual male. "I deal with her involvement with her male lovers simply by stepping aside when she is with them. I am allowed outlets (it helps that she's in a polyamorous relationship with a very understanding primary and that she doesn't mind women I'll admit). Currently I'm involved with the member of another system, though they don't view themselves as a system (it's confusing around here)."

Ballari is young yet (20) and she's just not quite sure. Her first love was a woman and she's currently in love with another man. I don't understand what the big deal is. I love. That's it. (The 'bonder takes a similar view.)

Selene is...how do we put this as politely as possible? "Screw politeness. I like sex period. I fuck. We'll leave it at that."

Again, the host/'bonder/whatever-you-call-it is polyamorous. Though luckily for us, she's found two people who are accepting of us, and one of them offers each of us someone. It's difficult to explain without giving away personal details, but I hope we've helped some.

- Jacob mostly.

[debonnairejacob.livejournal.com]

* Her gender is fluid (partly due to me we think) as is her sexuality.

Yes, I will be nitpicky about such things.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Our solution: Polyamory.

Put simply, our issue is not with what sexuality we all have. We could all have the same sexuality. It wouldn't mean we'd be sexually attracted to the same people, so the problem would still be the exact same.

[tessagratton.livejournal.com]

We're exceedingly open with our partner. She knows that sometimes she gets who she gets, and if that isn't what she wants, she can say so. We try to be respectful. Sometimes she requests one of us.

It works, for the most part. The only people who aren't the happiest are a couple of hetero girls we've got. but Tynan can easily push them back from fronting. There's a lot of negotiation. And our partner is kind of fractured a little for us. She knows which "parts" of her prefer me, or Ter, or Wind, etc.

I should make Luc respond, because he doesn't babble like I do. I'm not even sure if you can really understand what I'm saying...

Devyn et al

[adreamerforme.livejournal.com]

I understand, yeah.

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

Do you have in-house relationships?

Because that's how a lot of us operate. Body-wise we don't do very well in relationships where more than one person is involved, over a long-term basis, although fortunately, our partner& are also multiple. But a lot of us in system have relationships with each other that are very important to us, and some of us are engaged or married to each other. IMO, this actually makes it easier, if we don't have to seek out additional physical partners for someone to get the right genitalia they're looking for.

Admittedly, we're biased on this subject because we have been told before that multiples not in poly relationships in the earthworld are depriving others in-system of their chance for a relationship, but that goes back to the whole 'it's only real if the earthworld body does it,' doesn't it? Which is a prejudice that... hasn't been very useful for us. Some of our most longstanding and stable relationships are between others in this group, so who is anyone to tell them that those are not real?

[omnamahshivaya.livejournal.com]

I feel like the real me is gender neutral. I thought of myself as "Artist" and not female or male. I have noticed that when you fuck, to have some pain while you fuck actually makes the pleasure better in contrast. Not a lot, just a little.... like, a pinch or a bite.... feeling dominated. I get off feeling dominated and the feeling of losing my control to a force bigger then myself. I do not have any active partners right now. I had an affair with that art teacher this summer.... but, he has a girlfriend he lives with in Texas, and a girlfriend in Bavaria and in Italy. To him, it was a one time deal. He was so incredible too. I have been married three times. I give up. I am longing for it, but I repress it. I am celibate. Too scared to make a bad choice again. My imagination and my dreams hold me over. What I would do to fuck with someone who actually wanted a relationship and respected me and understood me and let me be me. I doubt it will ever happen. I thought that art teacher was a possibility. nope. but, if I am borderline.... which I suspect more of being the more I read about it, then I am not ready to be in a relationship since I am such a mess. I can't even keep a promise to my therapist to not email this guy. I am just not reliable to my own promises and I do not trust me... how am I supposed to trust another person to be in a relationship? i do not trust me!

[duckbunny.livejournal.com]

We haven't really had a problem yet, but we've been thinking about the issue. There are three of us in this system, one of whom is ten and uninterested in sex. I'm a straight male, which complicates things since our body is female.
Ellen, who as far as I'm concerned is the birth person, is straight and in love - which is why we've been thinking about it.
The conflict in sexuality isn't an active issue for us, because we're agreed that we'll go with the body. We're Christian and determined to be either monogamous or celibate. The problem has been more to do with how I cope with the body dysmorphia that's bound to arise, and also with my disinclination to have sex with a male - I'm not going to go out and find a girl, but that doesn't make me comfortable with the body's role.