Us & Them

[mylittlebox.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure how to do this. He's busy now, otherwise I'd be a lot more confident. Or I might not be doing this at all. It would all depend on his mood today.

My name is Amber. I have people living inside of me -- one, in particular. I say this because I'm not sure sometimes if he's a fracture -- a multiple -- or an actual entity. He has his own thoughts, memories, from way before I was born. On Halloween, he had his birthday. His 2,917th birthday. He was born in Assyria, when it was still a thriving empire. He knows too many things, ancient things, to describe in this post.

His name is Auroch, and he is a serial murderer and a rapist. He is incredibly violent, intelligent, charming, witty, and very handsome. He is the most dangerous person I've ever known.

There used to be others, but in the Divide, the War, he killed them all. I feel them stir sometimes, but never enough to wash him away, or come between us.

He has spent years torturing me in my own mind, telling me it is for my own good. Telling me it makes me strong. Telling me he loves me, and that I belong to him. And for all the wrong he does, all the pain, he does keep me safe. He has always protected me and kept me safe, even when I didn't want protection. Even when it meant nearly killing some of my closest friends. He still protected me.

Sometimes we share memories. Sometimes we don't. Right now my head is foggy from my medication (I'm sick, so I'm on Nexium). Perhaps later would be a better time to talk.

I need people who understand us. Who understand me. And he needs to be let out more. Because if I don't let him out, he'll find a way out -- and that has potentially fatal results for anyone who gets in his way.

Comments

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

Are you saying you like what he does? Or that you don't like what he does?

Amalah


what do you mean when you say he's either a fracture, a multiple, or a real entity? fractures and multiples aren't real entities? Kes

[mylittlebox.livejournal.com]

Both. It's confusing. I hate being... tortured. I hate opening my eyes and seeing everyone around me cowering in horror. I hate being hijacked for weeks at a time. But then he'll crawl into my bed at night, and whisper in my ear, and tell me how much he loves me, and that he'll never ever let me be alone. He knows so much more than I do, it's... difficult not to look up to him sometimes.

I didn't mean to imply that multiples, fractures, are not real entities. I meant... it's difficult to explain, but I meant that he seems to have his own soul, his own life, even before me. When he touches me, I feel it. When he wants me to see him, I do. He can even manipulate what I see or feel. If he hurts me, I feel it as though someone outside my body did it.

I guess that's what I was saying -- that he feels similar to someone who once had a body beside my own.

[isshindenshin.livejournal.com]

Both. It's confusing. I hate being... tortured. I hate opening my eyes and seeing everyone around me cowering in horror. I hate being hijacked for weeks at a time. But then he'll crawl into my bed at night, and whisper in my ear, and tell me how much he loves me, and that he'll never ever let me be alone. He knows so much more than I do, it's... difficult not to look up to him sometimes.

Forgive my bluntness, but I struggle with this almost every day of my life, and you might want to read up on Stockholm Syndrome.

For me the key was to find someone who really did want me to be stronger. He's often firm and authoritarian with me because of it, but never cruel, and pain is always accepted with consent. It's one thing to want a master and mentor and another thing entirely to be in love with a monster. Just because you're supposedly "weak," doesn't mean you don't deserve better.

[mylittlebox.livejournal.com]

I'm very familiar with the concept of Stockholm Syndrome, which makes my behavior even worse in my mind. I tried to rid myself of Auroch once. I didn't hear anything from him for a good couple of days, and I felt lost. I felt empty. I cried hysterically. When he came back -- as violent as his return was -- I felt relieved. It's terrible to live that way, I know, but I'm afraid to lose him.

As of late, he's been a lot... better. He hasn't done anything to hurt or torture me. He's been very quiet. Which usually means something is wrong or going to be wrong very soon.

[octobersea.livejournal.com]

Forgive my bluntness, but I struggle with this almost every day of my life, and you might want to read up on Stockholm Syndrome.

That's brilliant. Too many people think that alters/others/whatever are not real somehow and have to be dismissed, and I love that you actually are seeing it for a psychology like any other.

[isshindenshin.livejournal.com]

I guess I have to, seeing that I'm an alter. *wry grin*

~ Straifling, off to more psychology

[matrexsvigil.livejournal.com]

That seems awfully familiar to me. Maybe not as extreme, but I have Andre. I (well, all of us, really) are still trying to decide if he is part of me or is the demon he claims. While he may not be as violent, he is as possessive and 'loving' as Auroch.

Maybe we should talk sometime. (worldofro@yahoo.com)

-P.C.

--"Off the Pink."--

[mylittlebox.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you were able to understand what I meant by my description of Auroch's status, and my confusion as to whether or not he was ONLY inside of me, or outside as well.

I will e-mail you.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

I can't shake the feeling that I've seen this story before. I think you posted it in at least one other community (soulbonding?) besides what must have been your own journal, perhaps the one you had before this one, some time ago.

You're not alone in your experience -- certainly not the first community member to describe such a thing (http://community.livejournal.com/multiplicity/154641.html) (more here (http://community.livejournal.com/multiplicity/165748.html), please take the responses to heart).

[mylittlebox.livejournal.com]

I've never posted this to a community. Nor really in my own journal. How odd.

I'll read the links you gave me. Thank you very much for your help.

[mylittlebox.livejournal.com]

Please check the IP addresses. This user is correct. We are two different systems.

[ladycatherina.livejournal.com]

Well - I'd suggest reading up on relationship abuse, being with Auroch is a relationship like any other. And a lot of times people feel very close to their partners, very much in love with them and very attached, even when the relationship has problems.

There's a difference between someone wanting you to be stronger and to protect you, and working WITH you, helping you in ways that build your self esteem and leave you feeling less dependent on them or scared of them, and someone who tortures you without your consent.

Maybe a therapist would help you work through things with Auroch - just describe him as a partner or friend.

[mylittlebox.livejournal.com]

Auroch really doesn't like therapist. He nearly put our second to last one in the hospital. He's very uncooperative that way.

Maybe, if he keeps to himself as much as he has been lately, I'll be able to at least talk to someone about him.

[underlankers.livejournal.com]

We had that problem for about 2 years. We had a whole gang of internal people who attempted to destroy our life. The earlier group of fronters banished them and I was a big part of that banishment. Don't give up, as eventually you'll be able to either control or banish Auroch.
Godzilla^Crew.

[notquitequiet.livejournal.com]

I've been in a very similar situation. I know how tricky and confusing and terrible it is, at least. ...If you'd like to talk, my e-mail address is ej_alfred@yahoo.com .